Monday, December 19, 2011

looking back from then to now

Right now, when I look back on the last 6 months, I see that I have been brought quite a distance from where I was.  I have gone from being a man caught up in protecting himself and his interest, complete with the self-righteousness I had earned in my view of religious matters (all the things I wasn’t doing) to becoming a man who is willing to give up control of how the future unfolds and follow his creator on a great adventure.  I have gone from being a man who used people to help get the outcome I wanted and starting to become a man who is celebrating people for who they are, not for what they can do for me.  I have gone from being a man who would cower away from a challenge because of the possibility I may be hurt and as a result show that I am fallible and am becoming a man who knows he is broken and wounded but is confident I can continue moving forward because God is leading the way.

I have encountered God and I am experiencing his grace and forgiveness.  I am beginning to understand the depth of his love.  I am beginning to understand who he created us to be.  I am beginning to understand that the redemption that he gives, the eternal life that he promises, is not just something that we experience when we leave this world but rather that he desires every bit of our lives to be just like the perfection of the garden.

I have begun to take on a new identity as well.  The lies of the Enemy spoke to me and the wounds that he created in me, even from a very young age, shaped me into something that was different than what God had in mind for me.  I was full of pride and arrogance.  I was right and I was going to let you know it.  I was, to say the least, an ass.  There were so many parts of my persona that I created that were in place only to protect me from being hurt by other people.  For example, I had to have the right answer so that people would accept me, so that people would need me.  I need to be needed.  When I saw myself through the shame that I created, through the lies of Satan that I believed, I needed to protect myself.  If people only knew the truth about me…God sent me to Seattle and I was believing that it was to learn something to save my marriage, perhaps even something magical, but in reality, Dr Hawkins and Mr Knopf (my counselors) helped me face who I was, why I was that way, and showed me that I could be somebody different.

These last 7 weeks since I have returned from Seattle have been spent in solitude, reflection, and evaluation.  I have been processing my hurts and have begun to move forward…but only because of a greater search, my identity according to God.  God has been stripping away the lies that I have believed and begun to replace them with his truths.  It is part of the reason, if not the major reason, why being in the scriptures is so important, so that our minds can be filled with his truths instead of the lies from ourselves, the world, and from the enemy.  It is when I find myself with him, in his love, do I begin to see the bigger picture for my life, and only then that I can begin to forgive the people that have wounded me.

Perhaps some of you knew from the moment you first heard about this dilemma that Kim and I find ourselves in that this was about so much more than just our marriage.  This journey is about our marriage, but also about us specifically as parents, and coworkers, as neighbors, as friends, as children of the living God, about our eternity and future ministry.

This season has come for the purpose of getting us ready for the adventure that lies ahead, a journey that is full of life, and grace, and joy.  This season is not over, the painful truth is evident, but the expectation of what is to come eases this aching inside me.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

I am afraid

How many times have I failed you lord?  How many times have I failed to give you control out of fear that I will be hurt again.  I try to protect myself instead of remaining vulnerable, instead of risking what may happen.
You tell me that you have plans for me, works for me to do, and an abundant joyful life to live.  You tell me that I am made in your image, fearfully and wonderfully made.
But yet I fear losing what I desire the most.  I have an idea on what Jarius must have felt like when he was told his child was dead and that he should leave Jesus alone.
Mark 5:36 is awesome though because it says, ignoring what they said, Jesus says do not be afraid, just believe.
This man was just told one of the most horrific things he could be told, your child is dead, and Jesus ignores it.  With good reason though...he knew the power available to take what is dead and bring it to life again.
Jesus words reach out to me as well...despite whatever looks to be apparent please help me to see you father and to not not be afraid and rather to just believe.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

what i am fighting for

this morning, i was reminded what i am fighting for.  not what, who rather...and maybe a little bit of what.

noah was sick yesterday with flu like symptoms and had to be picked up from school.  by the end of the work day, i too was having flu like symptoms.  long story short, noah spent the night with me and kim was going to pick him up this morning.

it was in that time i was reminded who i am fighting for.  instead of fighting about schedules or running from pains that are too difficult to face, kim reached out to me in my need, and in doing so gave me a little piece of her heart.

and when she did that, she exposed me to the beauty that lives inside her, waiting to be revealed.

it is that beauty i am fighting to bring out.  it is her that i am fighting for.

father god i ask for strength and wisdom in this fight.  please help me fight for your daughter.

Sunday, December 04, 2011

Back in the bedroom

Last night, for the first night since August 28th, I slept in our bedroom.
When Kim left, I gave her our bedroom set to take with her, leaving me with our couch to rest my body.  It can probably be said that was stupid, I am still not sure.  I know I want her to come home, and if one day she looks back and sees the sacrifice I made for her, then it will be well worth it and not stupid.
That is just to say I did not have a bed for this time.  I could have prioritized the purchase of a box spring and mattress to go with a frame that is a family heirloom, and I still may for sentimental value, but I never did.
I was too scared...too scared to come back into this room...too scared to be scared to face the absence of my life as I knew it 6 months scared to face my failures as a husband.
I am left dumbfounded when I think how much I have let fear rule my life.  Fear that I wouldn't be accepted, fear that I would be found a fraud, fear that I would be alone...and those are just the ones that I can admit.
Satan lied to me and I bought it.  I had been hurt before, wounded deeply, and so I believed the lies...
The truth is being made known though and those fears are being exposed as lies. 
As many fears and lies I have found so far, I am trying to replace them with God's truth.
I was ready to face the pain and lies that were held within my mind's eye of this room and so I called my stepmom who had offered one of their spare beds to me to accept the offer.  Within hours I had a new bed here and setup, not even one of their spares. 
Somebody asked me if I was finally starting to move, I have decided to face this pain.  I am not embracing it and will not hid from it any longer, it is time to walk through it and to learn from it.
It is time to expose these fears as what they are...lies from the deceiver that is looking, searching, for those he can devour.  I may be wounded, but you may not have me nor my wife or children.  God is for us...your weapons will not prosper.

Monday, November 28, 2011

a certain pain

There is a certain pain in my heart.  Pains actually.  There are pieces of my childhood I would rather much forget.  Pieces that I have done so much to forget in every way possible.
There are wounds that run so deep in the core of my heart that they have shaped who I have become.
...and God has stripped me of all my coping methods in order to expose my deepest wounds.  He wants me to face them so he can heal me from them.  It is almost like he is taking his finger and pressing into these wounds to remind me they are there, just so I cannot claim ignorance any longer.
I still don't want to face them, but in order to have my heart I must.  I don't want this pain but in order to be rid of it and be the man I was created to be I must endure this. 
The man I was created to be...the husband who recklessly loves...the father who encourages and trains...the friend filled with care and compassion...all of this and more is on the line.
The stakes are high in this battle.  Lord, please make me strong and courageous.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Finding the me you always saw

Kim, tonight when I told you thank you I meant it.  This troublesome spot we are in is not what I want at all.  I want you here by my side, today and forevermore.  In this time though, as I have been trying to find a way to save our marriage, I have begun to find myself.  That is where my gratitude lies.  This pain filled journey broke the facade I had created and as a result I don't have to be the same man I really wasn't.  I get to find that man you always saw and hoped would come out now and nobody will look down on me for searching.
I am finding that I have so much to learn, so much to heal from, so much to experience, so much to offer...and I believe this is just the tip of the iceberg!
But Kim, I am lonely without you.  You are my life companion, my soul mate.  We have been through so much already.  I believe that just as our Creator has always had these things I am finding in store for me (and I was blinded too) that he has similar things and plans in store for you.  I hope and pray that we get to experience these things, these plans he has for us, together.
Until that day comes, I will press on in this journey, hoping that when you see me again that I will be found one step closer to the me you always saw.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

dreaming of a day

I am dreaming of a day where I live completely for the glory that God is due.  I dream of helping other men awaken from their slumber that was caused by the world's lullaby.  I dream that my family and friends, known and yet to come, will join together to take back the ground that we have allowed Satan to build strongholds on.  I dream of loving Kim until death parts us and to see the same with these men and their brides.  I dream of our children being blessed because of our faithfulness to You.  The time is drawing near for these dreams, and many others like them to become reality.  God please show me the next step.  Guide me, us, in this battle please for without your life giving power we are doomed.
The battle is near, you are at hand Lord Jesus.  Your victory and glory will be known for generations.
Lord God please prepare us for this battle before us.

too focused perhaps

Hebrews 12:2-3 MSG
Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we're in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed-that exhilarating finish in and with God-he could put up with anything along the way: cross, shame, whatever. And now he's there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!
I have a lot of pain.  Kim has a lot of pain.  Our helpless boys have a lot of pain.  We perhaps are too focused on our pains.  I know I have been, look at my last post and you will see the hurt and frustration dripping from it. 
It is still here too, the pain, just because I allow frustration to take over from time to time and become the me that I don't want to be in attempt to protect myself in the future doesn't mean the pain goes away.
Jesus is the example of what I am supposed to be as a husband and this brief description from Hebrews 12 reminds me that he sacrificially took blow after blow.
I know I don't have the answers but the last part gives perspective.  Perspective of who I am.  Perspective that should bring remembrance of the grace and mercy bestowed to me, that should be flowing to others as well, especially my beloved.
Disallowing perspective that brings humility is allowing a place for pride and selfishness to grow...and I have given the enemy a stronghold there.  God please break apart that stronghold with the mighty flood of Jesus blood.
I don't think one can be too focused, but I believe it is easy to be focused on the wrong thing.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

raw turkey


I am not really sure where the A should stop and the H should start, but i hope you get the message.

I am sitting here, at work, alone feeling like a raw turkey while Kim is with the boys and "people she loves."  Hearing those words stabbed my heart and writing them is bringing a vomit filled migraine if i don't get it under control or release these emotions because I am not one of the people there.

I have had enough of this.  I am trying to love Kim even though she has begun to create a new life and does not want me to love her.  It seems like she is trying to get me to give her reasons at every turn to justify her decisions.

We just need to learn to co-parent she says.  I agree, but my method would be a little different...ya know, like deal with our personal issues that have haunted us for our entire lives, learn to feel real emotions, and work like crazy to love and respect the other.

We will be giving our boys a legacy of divorce and pain.  I know you don't really want to do that Kim.

You didn't intentionally lie to me when you said for better or worse, I know you believed it but yet you are walking away because it is easier than to deal with your past.  Kim, why don't you see this is our worse.  Our better (and best) is yet to come if we fight this out.

We can fight this out, instead of fighting each other, and our entire lives will be better because of it.  Parenting will be more fulfilling, our jobs will be more rewarding, volunteering will bring happiness, our relationship with God will be filled with peace, joy, and contentment.

Divorce will bring us painful things like shame, guilt, and regret.

Kim please just stop for a minute and see that we can do this.  Stop and see that you are just running from the pain inside you.  Stop and see that I am here to help you through this.  Please Kim, stop and see.  Please.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

what good would it do

On November 5th, while walking the shoreline of Pugent Sound, it was apparent to me that enough was enough.  The fear of my shame had destroyed too much of my life.  The pain I felt inside could no longer intimidate me.  I decided in those moments there, that I am allowed to be wrong.  I decided on that shoreline the lies I believed no longer had any bearing in my life.  The persona I created could not fly back to Muskegon with me, it had to die.

This is my ebenezer.  The memorial of my shame and failures.
Jesus asked, "What good would it do to get everything you want and lose you, the real you?"

I am finding that answer.

I am finding that the real me, the me that God intended, is worth so much more than the perception I created.  

I will fail again, I am sure of it, but today, and because of God's grace to me, I have a new found freedom to fail because of the confidence I am gaining in Him and because of Him.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

a reflection

god created me special. he timed everything out the be perfect for his plan of my life. i often like to think that i know what i am doing when in all reality i have no clue. take being a husband for example. no clue. my wife needs me to be romantic. really no clue. i am about as emotionally level as they come (most of the time) and so this is hard for me to do. i have to be super intentional about my words and actions so that i don't ruin whatever slight bit of romance that i have created. i love my wife and would give up anything up for her. she makes the dark days sparkle when she kisses my lips.

but i needlessly worry that i dont convey my love to her. i allow myself to become intimidated by my lack of knowledge and abilities.

I wrote this such a long time ago, somewhere in 2005, my world was completely different, and i didn't know any better.

oddly enough, i was vulnerable in this moment. i was truly sharing a small piece of my heart with you. i bravely admitted here that i had no clue. the problem is that i did not let these words that i said shape my curiosity at all. i should have asked why do i think i know it all, do i portray that to the world, and if i do, how do i portray it. am i being like Christ in this?

when i said i was as emotionally level as they come why did i not ask myself, is there a reason that i became this way, don't i want to feel emotions. when did i stop dreaming about things. why were the words so hard to come by.

the next line, i needlessly worry that i don't convey my love to her is a sword into my heart. i bought into a lie. i thought she knew how i feel back then. i thought i was working so hard to let her know that i didn't have to ask her if she felt loved. we spent time together, so i thought we were ok.


Kim, I am sorry I bought into this lie.  I am sorry I left you unloved.  Please believe this in your heart.

When I was in Seattle, with Dr Hawkins and Chuck Knopf, I learned why I didn't ask these questions back then.

The answer is simple, I didn't want to feel the pain of the truth.  I created an environment where I did not have to.  I created my own reality in which I was king.  I created a persona that had no room for me to be wrong, and that everybody had to appreciate me when I was right.  I spoke words just to be heard by others, and because I thought I was right, my words needed action by others.

All this so I did not have to hurt, that I did not have to feel shame, that I did not have to feel weakness.

Henri Nouwen wrote this truth in "Out of Solitude":  

But underneath all our emphasis on successful action, many of us suffer from a deep-seated, low self-esteem and are walking around with the constant fear that somebody will unmask the illusion and show that we are not as smart, as good, or as lovable as the world was made to believe.  Once in a while someone will confess in an intimate moment, "Everyone thinks I am very quiet and composed, but if only they knew how I really feel...."  This nagging self-doubt is at the basis of so much depression in the lives of many people who are struggling in our competitive society.  Moreover, this corroding fear for the discovery of our weaknesses prevents community and creative sharing.  When we have sold our identity to the judges of this world, we are bound to become restless, because of a growing need for affirmation and praise.  Indeed we are tempted to become low-hearted because of a constant self-rejection.  And we are in serious danger of becoming isolated, since friendship and love are impossible without a mutual vulnerability.

I really wanted to add some emphasis in there, but there is so much truth I didn't want you to miss it because of something that means more to me this moment.

The truth comes down to this.  Kim and I stopped being truly vulnerable with each other despite our great need for love from the other person because we were afraid the other would stop loving us.  We were afraid the other would stop loving us because we were both hurting so much on the inside....

Kim, I am here now, with my heart waiting to be laid bare to you.  I am here for you.

Monday, November 21, 2011

i know you

There is plenty for us to talk about, but I know you are hurting and not seeing things as the Kim that exists beneath the pain would so my words will be meaningless to you.  

I know who you are in the depths of your heart.  I don’t have to ask questions of why because I already have the answer.  

I long for the day your pains are lessened so that your true self will show again because that is where you beauty lies.  It is where your compassion and kindness flow from.  It is your inviting smile that radiates not only from your lips but your eyes as well and lights up the dark places of the lives you touch.  It is where you are a mother that cares for her children above herself and leaves no question in their mind if they are loved.   

I know you the way nobody else does and your pain has lied to you, deceived you into believing something that is not the truth.  

I am not pursuing your heart because of my desires, I do not desire pain and suffering, but because the world is a better place with the Kim I know that exists beneath the hurts and the Kim that she hoped she would be.  

I hurt for you because I know you.  I ache for you because I see the true you still dying on the inside.  

Kim, I want the absolute best for you.  I know there is healing for you.  Will you please let me help show you the way?  Will you please trust me enough to know that I am not going to hurt you but that I desire you to be full and complete, that I want your life filled with abundance?

Thursday, November 10, 2011

a few of my desires

words written in the september sun that mean more with each passing day:

i want to hear your dreams so that i can dream with you.

i want to know what you are thinking so that you know you are not alone.

i want you to share your heart with me so that your burdens don't weigh you down.

i want to embrace you and not let you go so that you will be protected.

i want to hold your hand so that i can lead you where God is calling us to go.

I want to make you smile so that your beauty is poured out for everybody to see.

Monday, October 31, 2011

eyes that see

I have been listening to "When Fish Fly" audio book recently.  I first listened to this book early in June was taken back by some of the lessons I was able to glean at that time.

I let the book sit for a long time, but with my trip to Seattle drawing near (I leave after work on Tuesday) I was getting excited about seeing these fish actually fly during my visit, so excited that I had to listen to this book again.

These recent times though, the book has been kicking me in the butt.  My life is different today, and the words of this book, words like vision, being, intentions, are speaking to me.

What I have been learning through this book and other things is this:

The vision we have creates our beliefs, the beliefs we have create who we are, who we are dictates our actions in all circumstances.

This is hard for me to fully grasp at this moment, but I feel like I am beginning to.

Maybe I am all wet with this, but this is the reason why it is so important for us to find our identity in Christ and to set our minds on things in Heaven, not on earthly things.

When we remember what God has done for us, and what God has given us, it changes who we are.  When we are a changed person because of this, it changes our actions.

More thoughts on this to come...

Thursday, October 27, 2011

for you

I want to fix all your problems.  I do not want you to hurt, ever.  I want to control the circumstances around you to give you a safe environment.  I want you to have all you think you need and want to make you happy.  And I don’t want to fail in this.  I can’t let myself fail in this, so I hold onto everything I can in order to manipulate it and get the outcome that I want to see…

But yet I have failed mightly because I have not given you a place to struggle and grow and become who God has always intended for you to be.

And even in my best wisdom, I would never be able to help you become what God desires for you.  I am not the one that promised to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11).  I am not the one that can move mountains without their knowing it (Job 9:5).  I am not the one that can speak to the sun and make it not shine (Job 9:7).  I am not the one that made the constellations (Job 9:9).  Nobody says about me that I perform wonders that cannot be fathomed and miracles that cannot be counted (Job9:10).  Nobody seriously says, if Rob is for us, who can be against us (Romans 8:31).

Over the last 11 years I should have been there to struggle with you and I should have done much less controlling of things that I actually had no business trying to control…and I will still screw up in this I am sure…

I am here today to struggle with you though…I am here today to help bring you closer to our creator…I am here today to love you.


There are changes that need to happen in my life that are spiritual.  God has called me to so much more than what I have been.  Piece by piece, I am learning these things.  Bit by bit I change, giving Him more control of my life.  Just like Driscol said after describing the role of a husband, who the hell do I think I am to treat God’s daughter other than how God says.  But it is not just how I am as a husband; this is about listening to God, doing what God says, and repenting when I don’t.

There are changes that need to happen in my life emotionally.  Dr Hawkins is going to be helping me with this, helping me learn how to respond out of the person that I actually am, instead of the person that I have created to protect me.

There are changes that need to happen in my life physically.  I have a glucose intolerance, meaning I need to change my diet and I need to exercise more.  I need to lose weight.  I have been making some changes, but I have not committed myself to doing this as Dr Ant has said.  I have little excuse, and perhaps not any good excuse, as to why I have not made these changes yet.

There are changes that need to happen with my finances.  I need to get caught up on bills.  I need to save.  I need to pay tribute to God.  I need to invest.  I need to buy clothes that fit me.  I need to get a bed and dressers.  I need to learn to cook and make time to cook so that we do not need to eat out for meals.  I need to get a lawyer.

There are changes hat need to happen in so many other ways as well.  Changes that I cannot begin to understand or digest just quite yet, but changes none the less.

Friday, October 21, 2011


11 years ago we were dreamers in love.  We joined the other on a journey of happiness, dreaming of a house to make a home, a family to raise and nurture, and the days far away when we became old with each other.  

It was us against the world.

Somehow we stopped dreaming and striving for what we wanted in the beginning.  We became comfortable and tried to make it through life…but we started traveling alone instead, looking for a way out of our pasts, out of our misery and pain.  

The world is too much alone.

The dream is there for us still, waiting for our return to being dreamers in love.  I see a path back to the place where we can dream.  

Can you trust me enough to come with me?

no celebration

there is no celebration in me today...only brokeness...i miss her...

i miss her smile

i miss the way she sleeps while i drive

i miss her seeing into me and past my masks

i miss the toothpaste cap not being on all the way

i miss the toilet paper being pulled in the wrong direction

i miss the curling iron being left by the sink

i miss everything about her

god please restore us quickly, there are so many memories that we have left to make together...

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

to seattle i go

i am scared to go to this intensive, afraid that i am so far from the person that i should be that there is no way out.  i am scared i am wasting my money.

i am trying to embrace the changes i need to make though, because i have only left pain in the lives of those around me.  i will embrace these changes.

i need to learn to feel.

Friday, September 23, 2011

beauty will rise

a favored music artist of mine, steven curtis chapman, suffered a tragic loss several years ago.  out of his suffering he wrote an album entitled beauty will rise.  in that album there is a song with that same title, a song that god has been using to speak to my lift me remind me of his promise.

slowly panic turns to pain
as we awake to what remains
and sift through the ashes that are left behind
but buried deep beneath
all our broken dreams
we have this hope

out of these ashes, beauty will rise

as i sit here looking at everything that isnt, like a home that has been burnt to the ground, and begin to pick up the pieces of my life and learn to live without kim, as i mourn the future that i thought we had together, in love at an old age, i have the promise of god that he will make something beautiful of my life.

i do not know what this beauty will entail, i do not know how soon it will show itself to be but i do know a couple things.

i know that god is faithful and always gives what he promises

more importantly though, i know that if god considers what is to become of my life and the life of my boys something beautiful, then by all means, i should consider it the same.  how dare i think i know better than the creator of this universe and the giver of life.

it hurts to be here, it hurts like hell, but at the same time, i am glad to be here because it means i am on the path of becoming something beautiful

Thursday, September 22, 2011

picking up the pieces

i have to start picking up the pieces of my life.  i have waited in limbo for a month, hoping that this is all just a nightmare.

but it is not.

i have lost the one person that i care about more than anything else in the world.  anything else

my hope is not gone though, because my hope is founded in something greater than her or i.

today though, i have to learn to live without her.  i have to fulfill my responsibilities without her.  i have to be a dad but i also have to be a mom.  i have to pay my bills.  i have to set my own schedule.  i have to cook meals. i have to clean.  i have to do laundry.

the challenge is in front of me, like it or not, but i will face this challenge head on, and i will conquer it.

i am becoming the leader of my house that i should have always been, and filling these roles is just a small part of it.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

168 days

march 6th

one week after ryan's 8th birthday

a few days after the party that was supposed to be the most awesome for him yet

less than 200 hours after he blows the candles out his mother and i will gift him something that will scar him deeper than what has happened so far

he will officially be the child of a divorced couple...and he will have to carry that with him for the rest of his life.

but his story will not end each of these 168 days before, and every day after, i will teach him to be the man that i have not yet been so far in my life.

boys, this is more than a promise that i am giving you...i will live my life as god desires me to and i will teach you how to do the same...i will help you become men.

Monday, September 19, 2011

i am such a nerd

in one of the books i am reading...i am reading a lot more these days by the says responsible men are like christ, who did not let his mother, disciples, or others determine his thoughts, attitudes, or actions.  he was completely plugged into the father, the holy spirit, and the word of god.  that's why he was able to be more like a thermostat, affecting his circumstances, rather than like a thermometer, merely reacting to his surroundings....

this paragraph speaks to me so deeply...jesus was a thermostat not a thermometer...

the reason that this speaks so deeply is because i understand what a thermostat does.  i know there are wires that run to an equipment interface board (wiring hub) or directly to some equipment itself.  i know this thermostat controls what the equipment does because it reads the temperature surrounding it, has a program, and then uses the knowledge that it has and the information that it has gathered to make a decision...a decision to tell the furnace to fire or not...a decision to change the temperature in the surrounding area or not...and a thermostat always acts appropriately...

jesus, please make me a thermostat...

Sunday, September 18, 2011

from the mouth of babes

while cleaning their room in the last 10 minutes i have heard the boys singing:

i do, i do, i do believe in you

oh, happy day, happy day.  you took my sins away

god you are faithful, god you are faithful, god you are faithful

thank you jesus for these moments.  i pray for many, many more like them.

a closed spirit

i wounded her enough over our marriage in the little things that she closed her spirit to me. it was a raised voice here, a harsh word there, no encouragement while she struggled, and not valuing her opinion...among so many other things.

i acted in a way that had no repentance of my sins. i did not ask for forgiveness. everything kept building up on each other.

she had to close her spirit to protect herself.

today, i am at the same point...but only if i choose to all situations we have the choice to lead our hearts or to follow choice today is to love kim with all i am and allow myself to be in a spot that i may be hurt again or to act in a way protect myself from her actions and any further pain...

phillipians 2:7,8 says but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. and being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.

it is possible that i am reading this wrongly, but what i am reading is that jesus took pain after pain for us, all the way to the point of his death...those pains were unneeded pains to him, because he was perfect, and he is god...he did these things as an expression of his unconditional love for us.

i could close my spirit to kim, and i could protect myself from any pain that could be caused by the rejection that is to come if i put myself out there...but how would that be loving her unconditionally...i would be saying, kim, i will love you as long as you do not carry on in your pursuit of your own happiness instead of what god has for you...

jesus has not stopped loving kim despite the choices that she is making. i committed to her that i would love her for better or for worse, essentially that i would love her unconditionally. today, i can choose to have integrity and choose to stand up to my commitment. today, i can choose to love her as i said i would.

and that is my love. i will lead my heart and not close my spirit to her. this day, and every day to follow, i will choose to love.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

a different view

god is faithful to his promises.

that is the view that i want to pursue.

i think ryan said it best 3 weeks ago, the night that i had to tell the boys that mama wasnt coming home and wasnt going to be living with all of us anymore...

3 hours after we started talking and after many tears had been shed and many questions were asked...i was laying in bed with the very somber boys...trying to answer more questions that noah had...

but ryan blessed my heart so much that i started to cry..."but daddy, don't say mama isn't coming home, because god has a special plan for each of us."

god's promises to me are plenty...and he is faithful...

set your minds on things above, not on earthly things colossians 3:2

is she really gone forever

it has been nearly a month since kim filed for divorce. my world continues to be torn apart. the reality of this action is hitting everything...

i have nobody to come home to on certain days anymore. i have nobody to to tuck into bed some nights. i have nobody to sleep next to and cuddle with. i have nobody to share my heart with the way i shared it with her.

all i have is emptiness.

but yet somehow god is going to use all this for his purpose and his glory. he is shaping me right now into what he has always wanted me to be.

i still want to scream though.