Saturday, November 03, 2012

The Nike box

The tote said memories. I knew better but I ventured into it anyways.

Some pictures, an a couple shoes boxes.

The Merona box was the 150 or so wedding cards. I glanced through each one to see who they were from. There was only a small percentage that had real notes to us. It was easy enough though.

The next box, it was a Nike box. Inside was something that tore my heart from my chest, slammed it to the ground, and had a dance party on it.

Cards I had sent to Kim, words of love, words of truth, words of promises, words of longing. Each card was filled with an expression of the deep affection we shared.

I was good too. My words were fragrant as a rose, perfectly selected to emphasize my feelings and thoughts toward Kim.

The box was a punch in the gut not because Kim is gone, but because of the reason why she is gone. The box was a punch in the gut because I let life get in the way of me declaring myself in the ways I did when our love was young. I became busy with life, complacent, absentee.

Kim wanted me to see her in the way I had before, to be present with her at all times, just like I had promised. She wanted me to assure her that she was beautiful and valuable.

I have analyzed this before, I already knew this is how I failed her, but this Nike box was a reminder of it.

So today, I am trying to slow down. Today, I am trying to be more available. Today, I am learning ways to be present with others, giving of myself without the expectation of anything in return.

And today, I am praising God that he gives 2nd chances, that he loves to redeem failures like me, that he is a wondrous creator that makes masterpieces.