The tote said memories. I knew better but I ventured into it anyways.
Some pictures, an a couple shoes boxes.
The Merona box was the 150 or so wedding cards. I glanced through each one to see who they were from. There was only a small percentage that had real notes to us. It was easy enough though.
The next box, it was a Nike box. Inside was something that tore my heart from my chest, slammed it to the ground, and had a dance party on it.
Cards I had sent to Kim, words of love, words of truth, words of promises, words of longing. Each card was filled with an expression of the deep affection we shared.
I was good too. My words were fragrant as a rose, perfectly selected to emphasize my feelings and thoughts toward Kim.
The box was a punch in the gut not because Kim is gone, but because of the reason why she is gone. The box was a punch in the gut because I let life get in the way of me declaring myself in the ways I did when our love was young. I became busy with life, complacent, absentee.
Kim wanted me to see her in the way I had before, to be present with her at all times, just like I had promised. She wanted me to assure her that she was beautiful and valuable.
I have analyzed this before, I already knew this is how I failed her, but this Nike box was a reminder of it.
So today, I am trying to slow down. Today, I am trying to be more available. Today, I am learning ways to be present with others, giving of myself without the expectation of anything in return.
And today, I am praising God that he gives 2nd chances, that he loves to redeem failures like me, that he is a wondrous creator that makes masterpieces.
3 comments:
Rob - it's sobering when we are reminded / confronted with the contrast between what we say and what we do. Our response should be to acknowledge our brokenness and (re)turn to God for more grace and the power to change our behavior. We should not be discouraged in this process nor should we believe the goal is to be "fixed" - Paul said he needed to be (constantly) reminded of his weakness so that God's strength could be revealed - and he was "Paul"! Thanks for sharing this aspect of your journey...
Rob - I read your post "The Nike Box". I get the impression from reading this that you blame yourself for your failed marriage. It's good to recognize your faults and weaknesses and work on them so you can be a better, healthier you. But you also need to remember you were not in the marriage alone - it takes two. Kim has her own faults and weaknesses that affected the marriage - whether she decides to acknowledge them and work on them as you have is her personal choice. Blessings to you Rob - it sounds like you have come a long way!
Reading all of these posts one can tell that you truly loved this woman with the deepest part of your soul. Most women can only dream of being loved this much. You at some point must ask yourself "Did I fight for her as hard as I could?" It would seem from the posts the answer is yes. The failing part is not on you then brother.
Post a Comment