Monday, October 31, 2011

eyes that see

I have been listening to "When Fish Fly" audio book recently.  I first listened to this book early in June was taken back by some of the lessons I was able to glean at that time.

I let the book sit for a long time, but with my trip to Seattle drawing near (I leave after work on Tuesday) I was getting excited about seeing these fish actually fly during my visit, so excited that I had to listen to this book again.

These recent times though, the book has been kicking me in the butt.  My life is different today, and the words of this book, words like vision, being, intentions, are speaking to me.

What I have been learning through this book and other things is this:

The vision we have creates our beliefs, the beliefs we have create who we are, who we are dictates our actions in all circumstances.

This is hard for me to fully grasp at this moment, but I feel like I am beginning to.

Maybe I am all wet with this, but this is the reason why it is so important for us to find our identity in Christ and to set our minds on things in Heaven, not on earthly things.

When we remember what God has done for us, and what God has given us, it changes who we are.  When we are a changed person because of this, it changes our actions.

More thoughts on this to come...

Thursday, October 27, 2011

for you

I want to fix all your problems.  I do not want you to hurt, ever.  I want to control the circumstances around you to give you a safe environment.  I want you to have all you think you need and want to make you happy.  And I don’t want to fail in this.  I can’t let myself fail in this, so I hold onto everything I can in order to manipulate it and get the outcome that I want to see…

But yet I have failed mightly because I have not given you a place to struggle and grow and become who God has always intended for you to be.

And even in my best wisdom, I would never be able to help you become what God desires for you.  I am not the one that promised to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11).  I am not the one that can move mountains without their knowing it (Job 9:5).  I am not the one that can speak to the sun and make it not shine (Job 9:7).  I am not the one that made the constellations (Job 9:9).  Nobody says about me that I perform wonders that cannot be fathomed and miracles that cannot be counted (Job9:10).  Nobody seriously says, if Rob is for us, who can be against us (Romans 8:31).

Over the last 11 years I should have been there to struggle with you and I should have done much less controlling of things that I actually had no business trying to control…and I will still screw up in this I am sure…

I am here today to struggle with you though…I am here today to help bring you closer to our creator…I am here today to love you.


There are changes that need to happen in my life that are spiritual.  God has called me to so much more than what I have been.  Piece by piece, I am learning these things.  Bit by bit I change, giving Him more control of my life.  Just like Driscol said after describing the role of a husband, who the hell do I think I am to treat God’s daughter other than how God says.  But it is not just how I am as a husband; this is about listening to God, doing what God says, and repenting when I don’t.

There are changes that need to happen in my life emotionally.  Dr Hawkins is going to be helping me with this, helping me learn how to respond out of the person that I actually am, instead of the person that I have created to protect me.

There are changes that need to happen in my life physically.  I have a glucose intolerance, meaning I need to change my diet and I need to exercise more.  I need to lose weight.  I have been making some changes, but I have not committed myself to doing this as Dr Ant has said.  I have little excuse, and perhaps not any good excuse, as to why I have not made these changes yet.

There are changes that need to happen with my finances.  I need to get caught up on bills.  I need to save.  I need to pay tribute to God.  I need to invest.  I need to buy clothes that fit me.  I need to get a bed and dressers.  I need to learn to cook and make time to cook so that we do not need to eat out for meals.  I need to get a lawyer.

There are changes hat need to happen in so many other ways as well.  Changes that I cannot begin to understand or digest just quite yet, but changes none the less.

Friday, October 21, 2011


11 years ago we were dreamers in love.  We joined the other on a journey of happiness, dreaming of a house to make a home, a family to raise and nurture, and the days far away when we became old with each other.  

It was us against the world.

Somehow we stopped dreaming and striving for what we wanted in the beginning.  We became comfortable and tried to make it through life…but we started traveling alone instead, looking for a way out of our pasts, out of our misery and pain.  

The world is too much alone.

The dream is there for us still, waiting for our return to being dreamers in love.  I see a path back to the place where we can dream.  

Can you trust me enough to come with me?

no celebration

there is no celebration in me today...only brokeness...i miss her...

i miss her smile

i miss the way she sleeps while i drive

i miss her seeing into me and past my masks

i miss the toothpaste cap not being on all the way

i miss the toilet paper being pulled in the wrong direction

i miss the curling iron being left by the sink

i miss everything about her

god please restore us quickly, there are so many memories that we have left to make together...

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

to seattle i go

i am scared to go to this intensive, afraid that i am so far from the person that i should be that there is no way out.  i am scared i am wasting my money.

i am trying to embrace the changes i need to make though, because i have only left pain in the lives of those around me.  i will embrace these changes.

i need to learn to feel.