I feel that I need to write something, anything, just to keep some momentum with my blog, with my openness. I just don't know what to write. I actually feel a little numb.
Until right now. Literally right now, so bear with me as I process these emotions. I am on my way to Chicago for the first time since last June when all 5 of us went together. Not just landing in O'hare like I did in November but an actual visit to the city. The AHR Expo is in town (a big heating nerd convention and well, I am a heating nerd) so a few of us are making a trip down.
I was reminded by a friend recently that the first are always the hardest. First holidays, birthdays, and other special events. I thought getting past Liam's birthday, Christmas and New Years meant I was going to be able to slide until Valentines day and then Ryan's birthday. I thought I had a couple weeks.
Seeing the sign for a restaurant across from Wrigley did it though. It touched a place in my heart that I have not been allowing myself to venture into. Kim and I would frequent this city and it has a special place in my heart because of those many memories.
My "work" today will keep my mind occupied as I walk around viewing and learning about all sorts of products and whatnot so I will be able to escape this a bit today. The truth is though there is only so much escaping I can do and only so much I should do, if I want to be healthy (emotionally available to others and able to love) that is.
The path to healing lies within these moments, within these firsts, as I abide in Gods grace and mercy.
He has brought me far already and I look forward to the day to be able to look back on this part of the journey knowing that it was through this deepest darkest valley that I learned to feel his presence more closely and listen to his gentle voice, to cast off my own desires (which is so difficult at times) and to fully trust him and his ways.
No comments:
Post a Comment