Today was a unique gift. This winter season has been a gift but today was very special. On my lunch and amid frustration I drove to Pere Marquette. There was a summer such a long time ago I would go to that beach, I would walk the pier and I would talk to God, even just sit in the lake and let the waves pour over me as I waited for him to reply. My struggle then was God what is next. Can I, should I really go to Oakland, what about leaving my friends, what about leaving Kim, what about leaving all the things I am doing and could be doing at OVCC. Do you really want me to give all these things up?
Today as I walked the pier the sun was painted in the sky just like a summer day. The pending threat of the coming winter was silently speaking to me by the ever present chill that reminded me this day was special, unique.
I was there for the same purpose as those summer days though. I wanted to meet with God. I wanted to hear from him and calm my heart about what is next. Just like those summer days I cried over what I am leaving behind on this next stage of my journey. The life I envisioned is gone. The woman I love is gone. I am entering this next stage with massive wounds that need to be tended to and a great fear that I will be abandoned again by other people. I want to be needed by somebody, to be important to somebody, to be cared for by somebody. I want to be accepted for who I am even when I screw up.
My needs are still present and my wounds are still fresh, but God is calming my soul. He is reminding me that there is nothing I can do to make him love me any less, that the height and depth and breadth and length of his love is so immeasurable. He won't leave me wounded and is promising to heal my broken heart. He is promising and abundant life, filled with joy and strength in my inner being.
I don't know what location this journey will take me to, there isn't a set destination like Oakland, California but I am ready to continue just as I was in those summer days of long ago and to find out just what exactly he has in store.
1 comment:
Rob - it may feel (at times) like you are yelling into an abyss but God is present and people are too (they just may not leave comments). I am praying for you!
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