a certain pain

There is a certain pain in my heart.  Pains actually.  There are pieces of my childhood I would rather much forget.  Pieces that I have done so much to forget in every way possible.
There are wounds that run so deep in the core of my heart that they have shaped who I have become.
...and God has stripped me of all my coping methods in order to expose my deepest wounds.  He wants me to face them so he can heal me from them.  It is almost like he is taking his finger and pressing into these wounds to remind me they are there, just so I cannot claim ignorance any longer.
I still don't want to face them, but in order to have my heart I must.  I don't want this pain but in order to be rid of it and be the man I was created to be I must endure this. 
The man I was created to be...the husband who recklessly loves...the father who encourages and trains...the friend filled with care and compassion...all of this and more is on the line.
The stakes are high in this battle.  Lord, please make me strong and courageous.

Finding the me you always saw

Kim, tonight when I told you thank you I meant it.  This troublesome spot we are in is not what I want at all.  I want you here by my side, today and forevermore.  In this time though, as I have been trying to find a way to save our marriage, I have begun to find myself.  That is where my gratitude lies.  This pain filled journey broke the facade I had created and as a result I don't have to be the same man I really wasn't.  I get to find that man you always saw and hoped would come out now and nobody will look down on me for searching.
I am finding that I have so much to learn, so much to heal from, so much to experience, so much to offer...and I believe this is just the tip of the iceberg!
But Kim, I am lonely without you.  You are my life companion, my soul mate.  We have been through so much already.  I believe that just as our Creator has always had these things I am finding in store for me (and I was blinded too) that he has similar things and plans in store for you.  I hope and pray that we get to experience these things, these plans he has for us, together.
Until that day comes, I will press on in this journey, hoping that when you see me again that I will be found one step closer to the me you always saw.

dreaming of a day

I am dreaming of a day where I live completely for the glory that God is due.  I dream of helping other men awaken from their slumber that was caused by the world's lullaby.  I dream that my family and friends, known and yet to come, will join together to take back the ground that we have allowed Satan to build strongholds on.  I dream of loving Kim until death parts us and to see the same with these men and their brides.  I dream of our children being blessed because of our faithfulness to You.  The time is drawing near for these dreams, and many others like them to become reality.  God please show me the next step.  Guide me, us, in this battle please for without your life giving power we are doomed.
The battle is near, you are at hand Lord Jesus.  Your victory and glory will be known for generations.
Lord God please prepare us for this battle before us.

too focused perhaps

Hebrews 12:2-3 MSG
Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we're in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed-that exhilarating finish in and with God-he could put up with anything along the way: cross, shame, whatever. And now he's there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!
I have a lot of pain.  Kim has a lot of pain.  Our helpless boys have a lot of pain.  We perhaps are too focused on our pains.  I know I have been, look at my last post and you will see the hurt and frustration dripping from it. 
It is still here too, the pain, just because I allow frustration to take over from time to time and become the me that I don't want to be in attempt to protect myself in the future doesn't mean the pain goes away.
Jesus is the example of what I am supposed to be as a husband and this brief description from Hebrews 12 reminds me that he sacrificially took blow after blow.
I know I don't have the answers but the last part gives perspective.  Perspective of who I am.  Perspective that should bring remembrance of the grace and mercy bestowed to me, that should be flowing to others as well, especially my beloved.
Disallowing perspective that brings humility is allowing a place for pride and selfishness to grow...and I have given the enemy a stronghold there.  God please break apart that stronghold with the mighty flood of Jesus blood.
I don't think one can be too focused, but I believe it is easy to be focused on the wrong thing.

raw turkey

AAAHHHHHHHHHHH

I am not really sure where the A should stop and the H should start, but i hope you get the message.

I am sitting here, at work, alone feeling like a raw turkey while Kim is with the boys and "people she loves."  Hearing those words stabbed my heart and writing them is bringing a vomit filled migraine if i don't get it under control or release these emotions because I am not one of the people there.

I have had enough of this.  I am trying to love Kim even though she has begun to create a new life and does not want me to love her.  It seems like she is trying to get me to give her reasons at every turn to justify her decisions.

We just need to learn to co-parent she says.  I agree, but my method would be a little different...ya know, like deal with our personal issues that have haunted us for our entire lives, learn to feel real emotions, and work like crazy to love and respect the other.

We will be giving our boys a legacy of divorce and pain.  I know you don't really want to do that Kim.

You didn't intentionally lie to me when you said for better or worse, I know you believed it but yet you are walking away because it is easier than to deal with your past.  Kim, why don't you see this is our worse.  Our better (and best) is yet to come if we fight this out.

We can fight this out, instead of fighting each other, and our entire lives will be better because of it.  Parenting will be more fulfilling, our jobs will be more rewarding, volunteering will bring happiness, our relationship with God will be filled with peace, joy, and contentment.

Divorce will bring us painful things like shame, guilt, and regret.

Kim please just stop for a minute and see that we can do this.  Stop and see that you are just running from the pain inside you.  Stop and see that I am here to help you through this.  Please Kim, stop and see.  Please.

what good would it do

On November 5th, while walking the shoreline of Pugent Sound, it was apparent to me that enough was enough.  The fear of my shame had destroyed too much of my life.  The pain I felt inside could no longer intimidate me.  I decided in those moments there, that I am allowed to be wrong.  I decided on that shoreline the lies I believed no longer had any bearing in my life.  The persona I created could not fly back to Muskegon with me, it had to die.

This is my ebenezer.  The memorial of my shame and failures.

Jesus asked, "What good would it do to get everything you want and lose you, the real you?"


I am finding that answer.


I am finding that the real me, the me that God intended, is worth so much more than the perception I created.  

I will fail again, I am sure of it, but today, and because of God's grace to me, I have a new found freedom to fail because of the confidence I am gaining in Him and because of Him.

a reflection

god created me special. he timed everything out the be perfect for his plan of my life. i often like to think that i know what i am doing when in all reality i have no clue. take being a husband for example. no clue. my wife needs me to be romantic. really no clue. i am about as emotionally level as they come (most of the time) and so this is hard for me to do. i have to be super intentional about my words and actions so that i don't ruin whatever slight bit of romance that i have created. i love my wife and would give up anything up for her. she makes the dark days sparkle when she kisses my lips.

but i needlessly worry that i dont convey my love to her. i allow myself to become intimidated by my lack of knowledge and abilities.



I wrote this such a long time ago, somewhere in 2005, my world was completely different, and i didn't know any better.

oddly enough, i was vulnerable in this moment. i was truly sharing a small piece of my heart with you. i bravely admitted here that i had no clue. the problem is that i did not let these words that i said shape my curiosity at all. i should have asked why do i think i know it all, do i portray that to the world, and if i do, how do i portray it. am i being like Christ in this?

when i said i was as emotionally level as they come why did i not ask myself, is there a reason that i became this way, don't i want to feel emotions. when did i stop dreaming about things. why were the words so hard to come by.

the next line, i needlessly worry that i don't convey my love to her is a sword into my heart. i bought into a lie. i thought she knew how i feel back then. i thought i was working so hard to let her know that i didn't have to ask her if she felt loved. we spent time together, so i thought we were ok.




I WAS WRONG

Kim, I am sorry I bought into this lie.  I am sorry I left you unloved.  Please believe this in your heart.

When I was in Seattle, with Dr Hawkins and Chuck Knopf, I learned why I didn't ask these questions back then.

The answer is simple, I didn't want to feel the pain of the truth.  I created an environment where I did not have to.  I created my own reality in which I was king.  I created a persona that had no room for me to be wrong, and that everybody had to appreciate me when I was right.  I spoke words just to be heard by others, and because I thought I was right, my words needed action by others.

All this so I did not have to hurt, that I did not have to feel shame, that I did not have to feel weakness.

Henri Nouwen wrote this truth in "Out of Solitude":  

But underneath all our emphasis on successful action, many of us suffer from a deep-seated, low self-esteem and are walking around with the constant fear that somebody will unmask the illusion and show that we are not as smart, as good, or as lovable as the world was made to believe.  Once in a while someone will confess in an intimate moment, "Everyone thinks I am very quiet and composed, but if only they knew how I really feel...."  This nagging self-doubt is at the basis of so much depression in the lives of many people who are struggling in our competitive society.  Moreover, this corroding fear for the discovery of our weaknesses prevents community and creative sharing.  When we have sold our identity to the judges of this world, we are bound to become restless, because of a growing need for affirmation and praise.  Indeed we are tempted to become low-hearted because of a constant self-rejection.  And we are in serious danger of becoming isolated, since friendship and love are impossible without a mutual vulnerability.

I really wanted to add some emphasis in there, but there is so much truth I didn't want you to miss it because of something that means more to me this moment.

The truth comes down to this.  Kim and I stopped being truly vulnerable with each other despite our great need for love from the other person because we were afraid the other would stop loving us.  We were afraid the other would stop loving us because we were both hurting so much on the inside....

Kim, I am here now, with my heart waiting to be laid bare to you.  I am here for you.

i know you

There is plenty for us to talk about, but I know you are hurting and not seeing things as the Kim that exists beneath the pain would so my words will be meaningless to you.  

I know who you are in the depths of your heart.  I don’t have to ask questions of why because I already have the answer.  

I long for the day your pains are lessened so that your true self will show again because that is where you beauty lies.  It is where your compassion and kindness flow from.  It is your inviting smile that radiates not only from your lips but your eyes as well and lights up the dark places of the lives you touch.  It is where you are a mother that cares for her children above herself and leaves no question in their mind if they are loved.   

I know you the way nobody else does and your pain has lied to you, deceived you into believing something that is not the truth.  

I am not pursuing your heart because of my desires, I do not desire pain and suffering, but because the world is a better place with the Kim I know that exists beneath the hurts and the Kim that she hoped she would be.  

I hurt for you because I know you.  I ache for you because I see the true you still dying on the inside.  

Kim, I want the absolute best for you.  I know there is healing for you.  Will you please let me help show you the way?  Will you please trust me enough to know that I am not going to hurt you but that I desire you to be full and complete, that I want your life filled with abundance?

a few of my desires

words written in the september sun that mean more with each passing day:

i want to hear your dreams so that i can dream with you.

i want to know what you are thinking so that you know you are not alone.

i want you to share your heart with me so that your burdens don't weigh you down.

i want to embrace you and not let you go so that you will be protected.

i want to hold your hand so that i can lead you where God is calling us to go.

I want to make you smile so that your beauty is poured out for everybody to see.