Scared of what?

What are you scared of, what fear are you letting stop you?

It was the question Rich threw at me.

And it hit home.  

Our conversation was filled with talk of our most vulnerable selves, our subconscious, and the wall of fear. 

But Rich didn't let it end there. 

Nope. 

He challenged me to ponder what it would look like on the other side of the wall of fear at work, at home, and in my personal relationships. He challenged me to take steps toward the other side of the wall instead of waiting until I felt it was the perfect time.

Rich's challenge was really a challenge to step out of my comfort zone. 

So onward I will go, taking steps, and beginning to change my internal conversations. 

Dreams

I just found a notebook that had been lost over 6 months ago. 

First page in I wrote DREAMS

Check these out:

Write books - husband and wife relationship, becoming a man

Speaking engagements 

Marriage Ministry - healing broken marriages and those in crisis

Mens healing ministry - understanding our wounds and growing 

The target building

A wife who loves God and wants to help fulfill these dreams. A partner in crime 

For Ryan to keep his sensitive heart and be the leader 

For Noah to believe in himself and chase the adventure 

For Liam to usher many to tr precense of God with his worship 

Calvary men's ministry 

Provision 

Deep friendship 

I love being able to look back and see progress made in these dreams.  In my heart, the progress is confirmation 

That old message is still there

There is a message that I just can't shake from my head.  The past few months have been so full of successes, movement, and growth that it is absurd this message still lingers in my mind. 

It is the message that I am not good enough. Dress it up however you want, but the message is still the same. 

Your house isn't clean enough. 

You don't work enough. 

You need to return voicemails faster. 

You can't lead anybody. 

You are a lousy soccer coach. 

You are single. 

You can't meet deadlines

You don't follow through enough. 

You don't pay close enough attention to the small things. 

You are too fat. 

You aren't fashionable.

You don't love well. 

You are selfish.  

You don't do enough for your boys. 

I have been so firm and filled with confidence for a while, I don't know where this snuck up from. But I am in a funk right now. Today. Tonight. 

I'm hoping this is just a lack of sleep and that tomorrow I can start with a fresh outlook. 

Wow was I lost

In the last 24 hours I have read most of what I have on this blog, including the many unpublished posts. 

Was I ever broken!

I have gobs of journals lying around my house of the deeper struggle and inner turmoil I had experienced as well. 

But looking back from this part of the journey, I know I am a better man because of it. 

In many ways, I have become a man. I don't mean the "I've got a big boy job and responsibility" but rather that I am able to make decisions about my life, set goals and chase after them.  I am able to take rejection and learn from it.  I am comfortable in my own skin. I can laugh and enjoy life. I can admit I don't have all the answers. 

I've grown from a boy into a man, because of the brokenness that I talk about here. 

My heart could be broken again

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

These words from C.S. Lewis have meant so much to me in the last 3 years. I memorized them and quoted them, to myself, friends, even strangers. 

I had a paraphrased version that helped people see the truth that is here.  

Previously these words helped me pursue Kim when she left. On days when I was too wounded and had no natural desire to press on, these words were a challenge and an encouragement to me.  I remember telling myself that if I really loved her I had to be willing to go where nobody else would go and that I had to do what nobody else would do. I told myself that I needed to remain vulnerable to her so that she could see my heart. 

Today though, a few years since these words first hit me, the truth is ringing home again.

I have begun to date. If texting with people and flipping through online profiles is really what dating is these days. I've messaged with lots of women and only 1 has made it to a first real date.  And then a 2nd date. And hopefully a 3rd date soon. I like her and I find myself looking forward to talking with her more and more. 

But there is this hesitation inside of me. 

What if you like her more than she likes you?  What if you begin to care deeply for her and then it's over. What if you love her and she has an affair and leaves you for somebody else. 

All fears, which mean this is the enemy speaking to my wound, like he is an expert at doing. 

Here is what I know: I am not dating the woman that left me. I am not the same man that was left.  I want to be known in the depth of my soul. In order to be known in the depth of my soul, I have to share my fears and my dreams. Ultimately, I have to be willing to experience hurt if I am going to fully experience the joy and oneness I really long for. 

Please don't date daddy

Ryan overheard me making plans with a friend to watch Fury next weekend. I said I'm open unless I have a date. 

He made a comment on the way home about it and during snuggle time, it all came out. 

I am broken by his fear. 

"Daddy, please don't get married really fast like momma."

After a lot of conversation about why I want to date and have a wife, and what God created us for (Noah was here too, so I left out the sex part) the rest of the story came out and the wound of both the boys was exposed. 

They are afraid that our safe place, our team, is going to be broken up and they will be left all alone without somebody to love them. 

I am broken by this. After assuring them I will not leave them and the woman I find will also want to love them and care for them I tucked them into bed. I couldn't hold it in anymore and I just cried for a few minutes. 

I once read that people will see God similarly to the way they see their father.  I hope it is true. I hope these boys will know that just as I am on their side, and they experience me not leaving them alone in this life, that they will know God in the same way. 

God please strengthen them through this.