My heart could be broken again

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

These words from C.S. Lewis have meant so much to me in the last 3 years. I memorized them and quoted them, to myself, friends, even strangers. 

I had a paraphrased version that helped people see the truth that is here.  

Previously these words helped me pursue Kim when she left. On days when I was too wounded and had no natural desire to press on, these words were a challenge and an encouragement to me.  I remember telling myself that if I really loved her I had to be willing to go where nobody else would go and that I had to do what nobody else would do. I told myself that I needed to remain vulnerable to her so that she could see my heart. 

Today though, a few years since these words first hit me, the truth is ringing home again.

I have begun to date. If texting with people and flipping through online profiles is really what dating is these days. I've messaged with lots of women and only 1 has made it to a first real date.  And then a 2nd date. And hopefully a 3rd date soon. I like her and I find myself looking forward to talking with her more and more. 

But there is this hesitation inside of me. 

What if you like her more than she likes you?  What if you begin to care deeply for her and then it's over. What if you love her and she has an affair and leaves you for somebody else. 

All fears, which mean this is the enemy speaking to my wound, like he is an expert at doing. 

Here is what I know: I am not dating the woman that left me. I am not the same man that was left.  I want to be known in the depth of my soul. In order to be known in the depth of my soul, I have to share my fears and my dreams. Ultimately, I have to be willing to experience hurt if I am going to fully experience the joy and oneness I really long for.