more of the same

May 25^th –

                7a           Saw ring on kim’s finger

                9a           sheriff sale of house

                10a         coworker confirmed ring was engagement ring

May 26^th –

                All day   noah’s first birthday without us as a family

    5p          got packet from lawyer with kim’s latest motions which include allegations that the house             has not sold because I have kept it a complete disaster as well as allegations that I have not paid certain bills that are my responsibility and as a result destroying her credit.

May 28^th –

     All day   memorial day, one of the days we always spent with kim’s family.  Also the 1 year date of when kim wrote ira many things, including that she never really loved me.  Supposedly, this was the start of their relationship, but I no longer buy this.

It was a hard weekend to make it through, but I did, mostly. 

It is easy to just force a smile and push through, but that gets tiring.

There are more hard days to come in the next few months, days that will be made through just as these were.

There are many more good days to come though as well.  There will be days of renewal, joy, fullness, and celebration.  I look forward to those days.  I will welcome them will arms wide open.

Memorial Day

If I sit still long enough there is a nagging voice that creeps into my thoughts. "he is better than you" is the message the voice broadcasts. This message is brought through words like "I hate the way you fold my clothes", "you never keep the house clean enough", "this doesn't change anything" "Ira is such a great father", and the point blank "Ira is everything to me that you are not".

It is Kim's voice that speaks to me in this way. It is those words, and the ones similar to them, that have scarred me.

It has been 1 year since Kim wrote him questioning if she ever loved me and saying that I was just the one she expected to rescue her from her parents house.

I sometimes hate that I can remember facts and pieces like this because I would rather forget these things and not have them bite at me anymore.

...

The time I mentioned the other day as a gift, it is also a gift because I get to heal. As a person who is highly dependent on the approval of others who was abandoned by the person I allowed more closely than anyone ever, you can be certain that I need to heal...

If you knew me years ago and had a conversation with me today, you would see that I am different, that I act differently, that I talk differently, that I believe differently about myself.

That, I believe is the key to who I am today, believing differently about myself. I have allowed my past and other people to form my identity. On this journey, I have begun to see myself differently. I have begun to see myself through the eyes of Christ.

...

Kim may have left me for another man, but my Creator pursues me today...and that is a thought worth remembering

Rejoice and be glad

May 25th was a day.

Not just any day, and it was a day I knew was coming.

May 25th was the day the sheriff sale of my house took place, starting the 6 month countdown of the days the boys and i have left here. I am being told there still is a chance at a short sale during this redemption period I have, so I am working towards that and hoping for the best.

At the same time, it is good to know where I am at and more so how to plan.

The other big event of May 25 is that when I picked Liam up to bring him to daycare, I saw the band on Kim's finger. A few hours later a coworker confirmed my finding by mentioning her relationship update on facebook to "engaged".

I was a little foggy anyways because I stayed out too late Thursday night celebrating a friends birthday, but on a day where I really needed to perform, I was finding myself easily distracted. When I was ready to talk, God brought the right person to me for this conversation

Although I want a deeply connected relationship with a woman, I have been becoming increasingly aware how exactly this time without anybody is a gift to me. It is a gift because it allows me to address the baggage I carry around. It is a gift because I more easily have time to meet with my Creator. It is a gift because it allows me time to mature into somebody that can lead, and lead well.

My friend Jeff reinforced many of these thoughts to me and as we talked hope for a future was bubbling inside me.

There are many destinations on my journey through this life, and the one that I am most excited about is not the day where I get to hold somebody and call her mine and for her to call me hers, but for a time much sooner than that, a time where I have put down my defenses and let myself be known deeply and a time where words, thoughts and actions flow freely from my heart.

I am certainly heading there...

And that is why I can sing "this is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it"

a ministry of brokenness

i have a pretty high iq.  no, really, i do, this isnt just me tooting my horn.  my iq, at last test, is 143.  really, the way i understand it, this just means that i have the ability to process information.  i can take information of some kind and figure out a way that it makes sense in my mind so that i can turn it into something useful.

sometimes this is really bad because it allows me to think too much or worse yet, more easily justify making a decision that i really should not make...especially with how i spend money.  the numbers spin so fast in my head as they compute that you would think you were watching a slot machine go round and round.

however, this also allows me to find better ways at doing things when i evaluate them.  they are not better because i say they are, but because my mind allows me to piece together option after option until the "perfect" combination comes out...sometimes they need a little tweaking still, but it sure gets close to operating better.

this ability truly is a gift from God, one that i am not thankful enough for because it is something that i have grown accustomed to over my life.  this is how i was made.

in my conversation with al last week, i shared with him that i believe i am being given a ministry of brokenness.  a ministry of brokenness?  rob, you are making that up...and maybe i am, but that is not the point.  to me, a ministry of brokenness has allowed me to see people as people and as a result allowed me to relate on a different level.  

i may have a high iq, but i have many things to learn.  this divorce has taught me a few things...some of which relate specifically to this ministry of brokenness.

take what i have learned with my finances for example...things i needed to learn, things that i would not have known with out this time in life, things that i can pass on to others.

other examples include what i have learned about parenting, cooking, maintaining a house...not that i have learned all these things, but i have learned and will continue to learn.

i have also learned, that as a rule, the church, organization or body, does not really know how to help somebody as they go through a loss like this.

i really dont know what all this means, or where i am going with this post exactly, but i do know this...these lesson i have learned are not lessons i want to waste.

thoughts from last night

it is the times like right now that i struggle most with loneliness.  the kids are in bed, the day is pretty much done, and it is time to decompress.  i get lonely because these moments, just like my guinness, should be shared with somebody close to my heart.  these moments were made for conversation, for openness, for reflection, for evaluation, for vulnerability.

a little over a week ago, al asked me a question, well he really made a comment but knew that i was going to change it into a question..."i don't think you have ever had a real relationship"  it is a stinging comment, stinging because what he was really saying is "you dont let people close enough to know the real you"

what if i dont even know the real me.  what if the reason that i dont let people know the real me because there is a place i dont want to go.  i dont know that place.  i dont know if it even exists, i am just asking the question.  that is probably me just deflecting...there is a place, and it is a place of pain.  i feel it is a place of selfishness though.

it is a place of pain because i am in need.  i am in need of attention, i am in need of hugs, i am in need of affirmation and encouragement.  it is a painful place because i have to stare the fact that i am broken directly in the face.  once i go there, i cannot leave that place the same.  the other thing lurking in the shadow of that place are the faces of the ones that have failed me.  i had expectations on these people and they did not give me what i needed.  there was no attention, or hugs, or affirmation or encouragement.  when i go to that painful place, i will leave there forgiving and letting go of bitterness.

i think we all have a place like this, if we were honest.  we all wear masks or have a protective false self because we dont want to be hurt in that way again.  isnt it ironic though that this place of pain is also a place of healing.

these last 11 months have been a journey like no other in my entire life.  i am on a journey into brokenness, into that place of pain.  i am good with this, because i know on this journey that i will learn to lose my life in favor of what my Creator has for me instead.

these times of loneliness can be thought of two ways...either i can drink from a cup of bitterness and resentment which will only breed discontentment or i can see these times of aloneness as a way to continue on my journey into brokenness through solitude.  spending time alone with my Creator is the more worthy of the two, and I hope to pursue that more and more.

these moments are gifted to me to allow me to struggle to and through this place of pain...

We

It was a simple word that triggered my unforgiving sadistic side to show.

We

Kim is going to the Yankees/orioles game tonight at Camden and after she was done talking with the boys she wanted to ask me a question

She asked "who do we like New York or Baltimore". We? Did she really just ask we? "you can like whoever you want" was not the answer she wanted. While she was trying to be peaceable with me (although it was to gain information from me that would help her look less foolish) my wound was cut open by her use of we.

She retorted with "I thought we hated the Yankees" (then why did you ask). "Kim you can like whoever you like, but there is no more we, you ended the we"

Perhaps one of these days I will lay down all this hurt and be able to let this burden go. Perhaps one of these days I will actually be a conduit of Gods love in spite of myself

Baby steps Rob, baby steps

Never?

Of all the words said in his office today, the ones that are stuck in my head went like this

"I don't think you have ever had a real relationship"

I want to struggle with the meaning of this. I want to be redeemed from the truth of this.

Please pray to that extent

Like father like son

I am like my father, who is like his father, who was like his father...this pattern goes back to the first father...yup, all the way to Adam.

For me, being like my first father is often not appreciating the gifts that God has given me...more specifically the people that God has placed in my life as gifts. Adam didn't appreciate Eve the way he should have, especially after he sinned..."the woman you gave me" was the way he pushed blame off. At this same moment though he devalued Eve.

Think about it, isn't it true that every time we don't thank God for somebody He has placed in our lives that we really don't have the right view of them. And if we don't have the right view of them, aren't we devaluing them?

I have begun to believe that we can't truly appreciate something until we understand that we are in need and that this person or thing fills the need we have.

Take my sister Trisha for example...for years I have kept her an arms length away but because of the brokenness I have experienced through this divorce I have realized I am need of my family. I posted something yesterday about a meeting I was concerned about on Facebook. Yesterday she said she would pray. Just now she asked how the meeting went.  She loves me.  She is a gift.  After all these years, I have begun to be truly thankful for my sister...but it began with me realizing my need.

It is the same way with friends...I appreciate them (you), am grateful for them (you), because they (you) care and fill a need I have. I hope I give you something in return.

It is the same with my worship of God as well. Before I did not understand as I do now my need for a Saviour. Today I see differently. I have begun to see the many ways (major understatement) that I have been trying to earn grace instead of simply receiving it. I see that I can simply receive grace because of what Jesus did on Calvary. My brokenness pointed me to my need for my Creator and Jesus blood was the path to get me to him. My Creator is slowly making me whole. I worship Him because of who He is and what He can do.

So, I may be like my father, but I am trying to change that. I am trying to appreciate.

Scared and alone

I was singing along with the radio (third day's king of glory) as I turned the corner onto mills coming home from Meijer. The Remax sign was still there and I thought about mowing the lawn or not mowing the lawn. This lawn that has been mine for almost 9 years will soon, one way or another, no longer be mine. My realtor says that now is the time to get aggressive with the price, maybe dropping as much as $20,000 off the price. When she told me that at soccer team pictures tonight I think my face went pale. I had it in my mind that I had another 7 months here...Licia is right though, it is better for me to have a short sale happen than a complete foreclosure.

That wasn't my thought as I pulled into into my driveway though. I got scared. I thought about all the good times here and my dreams to add on and tweak the house to my liking...an attached garage with a master suite above it, a real dining room, an island in the kitchen, laundry on the main level. And oh the heating/cooling system I would have had...mini splits, radiant heating, modulating boiler and solar panels (yes I am still a hvac nerd in my dreams).

I became scared of where I am going to live and how I am going to afford a place good enough for the boys. It didn't matter in that moment that less than 2 hours before I set up an interview for a part time job at Meijer.

My fears gave way to sadness, mourning a little bit the pending loss of this part of my life. I've known for a while this was coming, but part of the reality needed to be dealt with today.

And thoughts of being alone snuck in there too...mostly because it would be great to have a partner who was in this with me, to be able to share whatever concern I was feeling and have her just speak to my fearful heart and encourage me. Maybe some people would say in the fact that I think I need someone in that way that I am not healthy enough to be with somebody right now. I don't know, maybe they are right. I would like to think differently though. I would like to think that even God said after shortly creating man that it was not good for him to be alone and then went off to find a partner for him (and then made woman).

So since I cannot dream about my house tonight, because it will soon be somebody else's...I will dream about my partner that God has for me and look forward to that day where I will be encouraged by her when I struggle through life like tonight's thoughts and feelings

What else is anger

Just a simple question today...a quote from a nouwen book called the way of the heart

"what else is anger than the impulsive response to the experience of being deprived?"

This question found me after a weekend of asking god to draw me close and show me himself, to help me glorify him. In that weekend I was told to submit to others, to obey God in my actions (to be really concerned with his glory first, not my own), and reminded that the place this battle of self will vs what I was created for is called solitude.

Where does this question find you...how will you answer the deeper question that lies within it?