Happy 3rd Liam

One of the most difficult things that I have to navigate as a divorced parent is missing out on birthdays. 

Forget the reminder of a broken family within the absence of my son on his special day, it is the absence of my son that does it. 

Yes, we will have our time together, and we will celebrate, but it is all the other echoes that creep into my mind. 

I love you Liam and I enjoyed our conversation where you proudly told me not only are you three but also that you had boogers in your nose. 

And tomorrow night it will be time to celebrate you for all that you are. 

A response to that kmart ad

I wrote these thoughts in regards to the "jingle bells" joe boxer as that Kmart put out this year:

There are a ton of messages out influencing all of us, conditioning all of us, through television.  Agree, disagree or feel indifferent to these messages, they are still there.

As a father who is trying to rise above the limited expectations of our society  and be an example for the young men I am responsible to train at the same time, I am glad to limit the messages I am putting into myself by "boycotting" television. 

While I do not find this specific commercial raunchy, there are some messages that I don't like within it, mainly the ones that take your sexuality from the private to public.  This ad was designed to be sexual because of the hip movement, the same effect could possibly be had while jumping up and landing.  And then there is the term "ring her bell"...yeah, that one is there too. 

There are many more actually, but we have become so conditioned to the messages that we miss all these undertones.

As a society, we have allowed for the belief that the way we are cared for by another is sexual performance and pleasure, and we have missed out, leaving people lonely, empty, and searching.

I understand the fight against the commercial, but it shouldn't be this one commercial.  It should be so much more. 

It does not insist on its own way

Since I used to be a sports fanatic, I took the term CBA (collective bargaining agreement) from the MLB to refer to the give and take I expected in my marriage with Kim. 

This CBA was really a "you do this for me and I will do this for you"  

In reality, we manipulated each other, possibly me more than her 

I would do this so I felt cared for.  I would do this so I felt secure. I would do this for so many other reasons. 

But in all my positioning, it was ultimately all about me, and I sinned against her. 

Friends, please don't do what I did. Make it about her.

restless

my heart is unsettled.

with every beat a different thought comes to mind.

at 1 am in the morning, i should be fast asleep, but there is no rest.

i am caught in between a place of dreaming about what God is going to do and fearful of what God is going to do at the same time.

i spent the night at abbafather.com glancing at books, being pushed by the spirit.  the excitement of seeing men grow around me, of my own becoming, and the oh so blessedness of seeing my own boys become men, i am beside myself.

i do need to sleep though.  God please give me rest.

Four Loves

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.

With those words, CS Lewis challenges my being.  I want to connect deeply with a woman, but I want to stay safe.  I cannot have both. 

So I am here, ready to travel outside of myself, ready to listen, ready to be vulnerable. 

In all actuality, it takes a strong man to be able to do this. God help me to be strong. 

Falling out of bed

Liam loves to sleep in a bed with somebody else.  Most of the time it is Ryan or Noah, sometimes with me.  We all enjoy the snuggles he gives, but as he grows older, I have been trying to get him to stay in his own bed.  

Tonight was no different. I put him back in his bed a few times but while I was off with laundry and a bit of reading, it was the edge of Ryan's bed that he fell asleep on. 

Until a few minutes ago. 

I don't think Liam has ever fallen out of bed before but after he didn't stop whimpering for a minute I went to him.  Scooping him from the carpeted floor I said softly, "this is why we sleep in our own beds."  Kissed and covered, and all whimpers gone, he went back to sleep quickly. 

Back to my book I couldn't escape the thought, "how many times have I fallen out of a bed I wasn't supposed to be in?"  I don't mean sleeping around type beds, Kim was my only and will be until I am married again at some point, but metaphorically speaking.  How many times have I fallen on the floor, hurting myself, because I didn't listen to the one that gave me life?

And while I answer "too many to recall" I take solace knowing that Gods affection to me is greater than I will ever understand. 

i have started to write too many times

i have started to write a post so many times this summer but have not  been able to finish it.  or if i had finished it, allow myself to post it.

here is why:  kim is single again.  and i am overjoyed.

part of me can't post because i dont want to say anything that will give a bad impression of her.  part of me can't post because i feel shameful for being overjoyed when i know that she is hurting.

i really see each interaction as an opportunity for us to begin to build a new relationship.

there is so much more going on inside my head and my heart,  pieces that i cannot write at the moment.

one thing is for certain though, no matter what level our relationship reaches, i need to seek my value and worth from my Creator God, not his beautiful creation.