i am such a nerd

in one of the books i am reading...i am reading a lot more these days by the way...it says responsible men are like christ, who did not let his mother, disciples, or others determine his thoughts, attitudes, or actions.  he was completely plugged into the father, the holy spirit, and the word of god.  that's why he was able to be more like a thermostat, affecting his circumstances, rather than like a thermometer, merely reacting to his surroundings....

this paragraph speaks to me so deeply...jesus was a thermostat not a thermometer...

the reason that this speaks so deeply is because i understand what a thermostat does.  i know there are wires that run to an equipment interface board (wiring hub) or directly to some equipment itself.  i know this thermostat controls what the equipment does because it reads the temperature surrounding it, has a program, and then uses the knowledge that it has and the information that it has gathered to make a decision...a decision to tell the furnace to fire or not...a decision to change the temperature in the surrounding area or not...and a thermostat always acts appropriately...

jesus, please make me a thermostat...

from the mouth of babes

while cleaning their room in the last 10 minutes i have heard the boys singing:

i do, i do, i do believe in you

oh, happy day, happy day.  you took my sins away

god you are faithful, god you are faithful, god you are faithful


thank you jesus for these moments.  i pray for many, many more like them.

a closed spirit

i wounded her enough over our marriage in the little things that she closed her spirit to me. it was a raised voice here, a harsh word there, no encouragement while she struggled, and not valuing her opinion...among so many other things.

i acted in a way that had no repentance of my sins. i did not ask for forgiveness. everything kept building up on each other.

she had to close her spirit to protect herself.

today, i am at the same point...but only if i choose to be...in all situations we have the choice to lead our hearts or to follow them...my choice today is to love kim with all i am and allow myself to be in a spot that i may be hurt again or to act in a way protect myself from her actions and any further pain...

phillipians 2:7,8 says but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. and being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.

it is possible that i am reading this wrongly, but what i am reading is that jesus took pain after pain for us, all the way to the point of his death...those pains were unneeded pains to him, because he was perfect, and he is god...he did these things as an expression of his unconditional love for us.

i could close my spirit to kim, and i could protect myself from any pain that could be caused by the rejection that is to come if i put myself out there...but how would that be loving her unconditionally...i would be saying, kim, i will love you as long as you do not carry on in your pursuit of your own happiness instead of what god has for you...

jesus has not stopped loving kim despite the choices that she is making. i committed to her that i would love her for better or for worse, essentially that i would love her unconditionally. today, i can choose to have integrity and choose to stand up to my commitment. today, i can choose to love her as i said i would.

and that is my choice...to love. i will lead my heart and not close my spirit to her. this day, and every day to follow, i will choose to love.

a different view

god is faithful to his promises.

that is the view that i want to pursue.

i think ryan said it best 3 weeks ago, the night that i had to tell the boys that mama wasnt coming home and wasnt going to be living with all of us anymore...

3 hours after we started talking and after many tears had been shed and many questions were asked...i was laying in bed with the very somber boys...trying to answer more questions that noah had...

but ryan blessed my heart so much that i started to cry..."but daddy, don't say mama isn't coming home, because god has a special plan for each of us."

god's promises to me are plenty...and he is faithful...

set your minds on things above, not on earthly things colossians 3:2

is she really gone forever

it has been nearly a month since kim filed for divorce. my world continues to be torn apart. the reality of this action is hitting everything...

i have nobody to come home to on certain days anymore. i have nobody to to tuck into bed some nights. i have nobody to sleep next to and cuddle with. i have nobody to share my heart with the way i shared it with her.

all i have is emptiness.

but yet somehow god is going to use all this for his purpose and his glory. he is shaping me right now into what he has always wanted me to be.

i still want to scream though.

wireless...finally

we are now home. the immediate family rush is now over. time to get down to business, pictures of noah. now, i am not as cool as some of my friends, and on top of that i do not know how to create massive picture files. but what i can do is give you 5 of the best shots i've got. then in a couple days i will show you noah's first bath. it is video...

ok - so heeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's noah.



this was very shortly after he was born. thank you andrea for the hat...and for everything you did to help kim.

all that hard work makes a baby tired

funny story. not more than a minute after kim put this on him the bottle he had just eaten went all over it. it was just coincidence.


yes - that is a real smile from big brother ryan. he really loves his little brother (so far)


this one is my favorite.

welcome noah

i was only a day off in my prediction that noah would be born on the 25th of may. we did go in on the 25th, but it was the 26th after all. noah was born at 7:42 am. he weighs 6lbs 9oz and is 18.5" long.

he is a real cutie too. if you don't believe me than come see him. i will get pictures onto this site as soon as i can figure out how to get past the novell security at the hospital.