controlled chaos

i had the honor of throwing ryan a birthday party this past weekend.  it wasnt for just any birthday though...this was his 2nd birthday.  being that ryan is a leap day birthday, his actual birthday only comes every 4 years.  and every 4 years we celebrate.  small parties and gatherings on the in between years, because he is special, but that 4th year, we celebrate.

this year i wasnt going to let being a parent down change the celebration that he has been waiting years for...truth be told, i have been looking forward to this as well because it is a way to celebrate just how special this little man is.

it was time to live a memory.

12 friends for an overnight, lots of pizza, an all you can eat sundae bar with an array of toppings, nerf gun wars that allowed free reign of the house (and to shoot ryan's dad), freeze tag, staying up super late, mounds of pancakes and paper airplanes.

there was a moment when a parent dropped off some overnight stuff and he said it looks a bit chaotic.  i tried to assure him that i was maintaining control, that although it looked like chaos, it was controlled chaos.  it seemed to suffice.

it was a riot.  more than that actually...the reason the boys had a blast is because it was controlled chaos.  i had parameters they needed to follow (which they all did wonderfully) but a lot of freedom within those lines...and my soccer whistle if i needed to regain control...

i just got this email right now "Rob, thanks a lot for hosting the party on Friday.  Looks like you had quite the crew, I bet Ryan had a blast.  I'm also sure you are eligible and entitled to an award.  Nick was talking about it for the balance of the weekend."

the party is over though and it is time to return to life "as normal"

i can't help feeling like my life is in a bit of chaos right now though...breaking a lease on a vehicle, selling the house to avoid foreclosure, a messed up debt to income ratio, a bout of pink eye that took me away from work that i was already behind on, the legal ending of my marriage to kim, etc, etc.  it is enough to make me feel edgy and a little irritable.

instead of jumping off the edge though, i am bringing this to God and trying to leave it there.  i like to be in control, or at least feel like i am, and that is why trying to leave it there is so difficult.  it is my deep desire for comfort that has me continually taking these concerns back.

i felt the Holy Spirit say to me as I returned to the building from lunch, "Rob, this is controlled chaos.  You don't have control, but I do."  that truth is what i need to remember heading into the rest of this week, month, year.

ryan's party is not only a memory that we share, but it will also be a living example for me.  the purpose of that controlled chaos was fun for all (which was had)...the purpose for this life of controlled chaos is to draw me closer to him, to develop my character, to make me more like jesus, to show how God is in control, and ultimately for his glory...he is in control.