todays thoughts

There are some days I horribly miss Kim.

 

Somehow, I believe there should be shame in this.  Not shame in her being gone and my role in that…that regret and remorse is healthy…but shame in missing her, in having those emotions.

Why shouldn’t I miss her? 

Yes, there have been many painful happenings over the last 9 months specifically, but if I love her as I have always said, those events should not create an environment where I stop missing her.  Those happenings should hurt.  They do hurt.  Anybody sitting with me or working alongside me can see the toll these last 9 months have taken on me.  It is ok for me to miss her.

I have heard that grieving is a process…a process that can take different amounts of time.  With every unresolved phone conversation I am starting to see why “God hates divorce.”  I am also starting to think that perhaps it may be easier to have a spouse pass away than to have this constant contention.  I am also reminded that I have lost so much.

Perhaps the scariest part of these phone calls to me though is that I often realize (albeit sometimes after the conversation is long over and I have to apologize) just how wounded I am.  Wounded isn’t even a good enough word…I am brokenhearted.

Maybe the day will come sooner, maybe it will come much later…but there will be a day when I won’t be brokenhearted…I think it is possible that even on that day, there will be a part of me that will still miss her.

I miss her today.