The message I hear, the conflict I have

The message I hear is that she wants me to be ok with her taking advantage of me. The message I hear is that I should not trust her. The message I hear is that she has killed her conscience, that she has no compassion or consideration left for me. The message I hear is that she chooses to only care about herself.

The conflict I have is that it hurts to be taken advantage of. The conflict I have is to respond with jabs of my own. The conflict that I have is to protect myself. The conflict I have is to not forgive. The conflict I have is to not extend grace. The conflict I have is to hate rather than to love, to push away rather than to foster.

I hear her attempt to justify her actions and I think, say, bullshit. I hear her put all the blame on me and I wonder aloud, "how the hell did we get here?"

I am human and I lose some of these conflicts. I lose them often. My conflicts are what I need to worry about though, and not the messages, because the messages come from more places than just Kim.

I feel like I say this all the time, that I have gained little ground.

Father God, you know my heart. You see what nobody else does. Please renew me, please restore me, please draw me close again. Thank you for adopting me into your family.