resonate

after inviting myself to a friends house to dinner tonight, (where are my manners, right?) i am left pondering some of the points of our conversation.  conversation that wasnt planned or scripted or for a specific purpose other than catching up.  i hope i brought something to them.  i know they brought something to me.

there are parts of our conversation still resonating in my mind.  statements, questions, encouragement that has sparked a wildfire of thoughts within me.

in a part of our conversation i was telling how i am learning that my personality can be one that needs people but also, at the same exact time will push people away.  i told them how in part i am anxious and fearful of what could happen, even to the point that i become like a coward, and do nothing at all.  yes, while it is true that somebody that has had a spouse become indifferent to them (for whatever reason they have) and leaves will find it difficult to trust people in certain ways...but my need for safety runs deeper than that and stems from other experiences in my life.

a major thought that keeps coming to mind, is what is my purpose?  why have these things really happened, and not just this divorce, but all of my life.  what is coming next.  will i be brave enough and committed enough to follow God in this.

perhaps it is not time for me to know.  perhaps i am still like a person recovering from a major surgery and need to heal.  i am asking the questions though...perhaps soon i will understand the answer...