blank screen

i have been sitting, staring at this blank screen, wondering what to write.  there are so many things i feel, but only so many of them stem from conversation that is safe.  it has never been my intention to bash or belittle kim, or to have my words impact the way people may treat her.  i care deeply for her still today.  i hurt for her.

it is the logical, analyzing part of me that believes statistics...but that is only part of the reason that i hurt for her.

here it is...i have her bible from high school.  i have read letters she wrote to herself.  i have read the journals she kept.  i spent more than half my life with her.  i like to think i know her...

i dont know what happened though...i know who she could be...i know what she aspired to be...and i know she is never going to get there the way she is going...

so i sit here in the quiet of the night and hurt for her.

often.

and i feel helpless as i watch her waste her potential and throw away the things she once held dear.


i dont know when i am supposed to stop caring, or if that means i have not emotionally divorced myself from her or if this is all part of the grieving/mourning process associated with divorce.

i do know that i wish somebody would get her attention and speak deep into her soul...


it is odd to think that when i remarry, the woman God has for me will understand these feelings from a past life, and that she will know how to love me despite the wounds that are ever apparent right now as well as the deeper wounds associated with this divorce, marriage, and my childhood.

it is odd to think that God has allowed these events, all events in my life to shape me into who i am today.

it is odd to think that God has adopted me into his family, that he considers me a son worthy of a full inheritance.

it is odd to think that God considers me, as fallen as I am, to be his masterpiece and that he has prepared works for me to do.

it is odd to think that God knew everything about me, in completeness, while i was still in my mothers womb.

these things are odd think because i used to think i understood God and the ways that he works...but I have learned that I do not understand much at all.

I have begun to gain an appreciation of his ways...especially as I consider all the graceful gifts he has given that I do not deserve...that appreciation leads me to worship.



oh, and i want to go on the record as hating the term breast feeding...