a little over a week ago, al asked me a question, well he really made a comment but knew that i was going to change it into a question..."i don't think you have ever had a real relationship" it is a stinging comment, stinging because what he was really saying is "you dont let people close enough to know the real you"
what if i dont even know the real me. what if the reason that i dont let people know the real me because there is a place i dont want to go. i dont know that place. i dont know if it even exists, i am just asking the question. that is probably me just deflecting...there is a place, and it is a place of pain. i feel it is a place of selfishness though.
it is a place of pain because i am in need. i am in need of attention, i am in need of hugs, i am in need of affirmation and encouragement. it is a painful place because i have to stare the fact that i am broken directly in the face. once i go there, i cannot leave that place the same. the other thing lurking in the shadow of that place are the faces of the ones that have failed me. i had expectations on these people and they did not give me what i needed. there was no attention, or hugs, or affirmation or encouragement. when i go to that painful place, i will leave there forgiving and letting go of bitterness.
i think we all have a place like this, if we were honest. we all wear masks or have a protective false self because we dont want to be hurt in that way again. isnt it ironic though that this place of pain is also a place of healing.
these last 11 months have been a journey like no other in my entire life. i am on a journey into brokenness, into that place of pain. i am good with this, because i know on this journey that i will learn to lose my life in favor of what my Creator has for me instead.
these times of loneliness can be thought of two ways...either i can drink from a cup of bitterness and resentment which will only breed discontentment or i can see these times of aloneness as a way to continue on my journey into brokenness through solitude. spending time alone with my Creator is the more worthy of the two, and I hope to pursue that more and more.
these moments are gifted to me to allow me to struggle to and through this place of pain...
3 comments:
facing your pain, will set you free. Praying for you friend.
Rob - you are correct in the fact that we have choices in these situations and I am praying that God gives you the strength and integrity to continue to make the right choices in your loneliness. I think of Jesus being alone, although surrounded by sleeping disciples, in His hour of need - which is why He is our perfect High Priest.
Rob~
I understand all too well your feelings of loneliness and for me they too feel at times like abandonment. I try to remember when the dark closes in and I feel so alone that there will be something good from the pain and the hardship. I am also very afraid to look too deep into my own soul to determine why it is that I keep people at a distance.
I know at some point we will both move through this and hopefully find the love, hugs, joy, and companionship we desire. Until then, stay as strong as you can and embrace the bitter moments, they will produce fruit in the future.
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