Scared and alone

I was singing along with the radio (third day's king of glory) as I turned the corner onto mills coming home from Meijer. The Remax sign was still there and I thought about mowing the lawn or not mowing the lawn. This lawn that has been mine for almost 9 years will soon, one way or another, no longer be mine. My realtor says that now is the time to get aggressive with the price, maybe dropping as much as $20,000 off the price. When she told me that at soccer team pictures tonight I think my face went pale. I had it in my mind that I had another 7 months here...Licia is right though, it is better for me to have a short sale happen than a complete foreclosure.

That wasn't my thought as I pulled into into my driveway though. I got scared. I thought about all the good times here and my dreams to add on and tweak the house to my liking...an attached garage with a master suite above it, a real dining room, an island in the kitchen, laundry on the main level. And oh the heating/cooling system I would have had...mini splits, radiant heating, modulating boiler and solar panels (yes I am still a hvac nerd in my dreams).

I became scared of where I am going to live and how I am going to afford a place good enough for the boys. It didn't matter in that moment that less than 2 hours before I set up an interview for a part time job at Meijer.

My fears gave way to sadness, mourning a little bit the pending loss of this part of my life. I've known for a while this was coming, but part of the reality needed to be dealt with today.

And thoughts of being alone snuck in there too...mostly because it would be great to have a partner who was in this with me, to be able to share whatever concern I was feeling and have her just speak to my fearful heart and encourage me. Maybe some people would say in the fact that I think I need someone in that way that I am not healthy enough to be with somebody right now. I don't know, maybe they are right. I would like to think differently though. I would like to think that even God said after shortly creating man that it was not good for him to be alone and then went off to find a partner for him (and then made woman).

So since I cannot dream about my house tonight, because it will soon be somebody else's...I will dream about my partner that God has for me and look forward to that day where I will be encouraged by her when I struggle through life like tonight's thoughts and feelings