If I sit still long enough there is a nagging voice that creeps into my thoughts. "he is better than you" is the message the voice broadcasts. This message is brought through words like "I hate the way you fold my clothes", "you never keep the house clean enough", "this doesn't change anything" "Ira is such a great father", and the point blank "Ira is everything to me that you are not".
It is Kim's voice that speaks to me in this way. It is those words, and the ones similar to them, that have scarred me.
It has been 1 year since Kim wrote him questioning if she ever loved me and saying that I was just the one she expected to rescue her from her parents house.
I sometimes hate that I can remember facts and pieces like this because I would rather forget these things and not have them bite at me anymore.
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The time I mentioned the other day as a gift, it is also a gift because I get to heal. As a person who is highly dependent on the approval of others who was abandoned by the person I allowed more closely than anyone ever, you can be certain that I need to heal...
If you knew me years ago and had a conversation with me today, you would see that I am different, that I act differently, that I talk differently, that I believe differently about myself.
That, I believe is the key to who I am today, believing differently about myself. I have allowed my past and other people to form my identity. On this journey, I have begun to see myself differently. I have begun to see myself through the eyes of Christ.
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Kim may have left me for another man, but my Creator pursues me today...and that is a thought worth remembering
1 comment:
I have no idea how I got to this Blog page or what made me start reading it. But what I read here touched me in a very deep way. I read in this Blog a Godly man that has had his heart torn out. About a wife that thought the grass was greener and has actually walked away from a loving family unit and chooses not to be with her children as much or raise them in a solid Christian family unit. All I can say is I hope you have found peace my brother. I look at the date on this post and its 2012. This makes me want to read on and see how God has worked this trial to his glory. As he always does if we look and wait long enough.
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