i want blood for this

tonight i listened to a few Mark Driscoll sermons from the Real Marriage series.  #4, the respectful wife, was emotional.  my heart yearns to be treated that way.  it is almost as if God set it up for me to watch that, to let my emotional walls come down and be honest with myself, and then have it followed up with #5, taking out the trash.

taking out the trash is about repentance and forgiveness...about being bitter or being better.

my new years resolution was to fill my 2012 with forgiveness.  forgiveness for myself and for others.  forgiveness from God.  like all good resolution makers though, i have fallen a bit off that wagon.

you would have thought that having conversations this week with close friends would have been enough for me to be willing to let myself go there...but they weren't.

it wasnt until tonight, watching these sermons that i allowed myself to open my heart and touch this sore spot within me.  it wasnt until the testimony at the end of #5 where the man said to mark. "i want blood for this" and mark responded, "you've already got blood for it, its the blood of jesus"

it is my sin that has made me bitter.  it my unforgiveness i need to confess.

while i do that, if you want to watch this great series, you can find it here:  http://marshill.com/media/real-marriage

if you dont want to watch that great series, then please consider starting an account at kiva, they are giving you a free trial loan if you have never been there before. http://www.kiva.org/invitedby/rob4400 

controlled chaos

i had the honor of throwing ryan a birthday party this past weekend.  it wasnt for just any birthday though...this was his 2nd birthday.  being that ryan is a leap day birthday, his actual birthday only comes every 4 years.  and every 4 years we celebrate.  small parties and gatherings on the in between years, because he is special, but that 4th year, we celebrate.

this year i wasnt going to let being a parent down change the celebration that he has been waiting years for...truth be told, i have been looking forward to this as well because it is a way to celebrate just how special this little man is.

it was time to live a memory.

12 friends for an overnight, lots of pizza, an all you can eat sundae bar with an array of toppings, nerf gun wars that allowed free reign of the house (and to shoot ryan's dad), freeze tag, staying up super late, mounds of pancakes and paper airplanes.

there was a moment when a parent dropped off some overnight stuff and he said it looks a bit chaotic.  i tried to assure him that i was maintaining control, that although it looked like chaos, it was controlled chaos.  it seemed to suffice.

it was a riot.  more than that actually...the reason the boys had a blast is because it was controlled chaos.  i had parameters they needed to follow (which they all did wonderfully) but a lot of freedom within those lines...and my soccer whistle if i needed to regain control...

i just got this email right now "Rob, thanks a lot for hosting the party on Friday.  Looks like you had quite the crew, I bet Ryan had a blast.  I'm also sure you are eligible and entitled to an award.  Nick was talking about it for the balance of the weekend."

the party is over though and it is time to return to life "as normal"

i can't help feeling like my life is in a bit of chaos right now though...breaking a lease on a vehicle, selling the house to avoid foreclosure, a messed up debt to income ratio, a bout of pink eye that took me away from work that i was already behind on, the legal ending of my marriage to kim, etc, etc.  it is enough to make me feel edgy and a little irritable.

instead of jumping off the edge though, i am bringing this to God and trying to leave it there.  i like to be in control, or at least feel like i am, and that is why trying to leave it there is so difficult.  it is my deep desire for comfort that has me continually taking these concerns back.

i felt the Holy Spirit say to me as I returned to the building from lunch, "Rob, this is controlled chaos.  You don't have control, but I do."  that truth is what i need to remember heading into the rest of this week, month, year.

ryan's party is not only a memory that we share, but it will also be a living example for me.  the purpose of that controlled chaos was fun for all (which was had)...the purpose for this life of controlled chaos is to draw me closer to him, to develop my character, to make me more like jesus, to show how God is in control, and ultimately for his glory...he is in control.

rules, rules, rules

i have learned i am a rules guy.  i like to play by the rules.  i like to enforce the rules.  i like the comfort that rules give to me.  (that is a statement all in itself, but i am not going to be addressing that one today, i dont think)

my desire for rules and boundaries has had me spending the last 7 to 10 days asking myself and others questions about how i should be living my life.  pointed questions, like how should i be responding to kim while going through a divorce.  how close should i let other people get to our situation.  what is my part of our marriage covenant made between us and God supposed to look like right now.  what are my friendships with single women or women going through a divorce right now supposed to look like as to still honor the promise that I made to Kim.  am i guarding and leading my heart the way i should be as a person trying to follow his Creator?  how much alcohol is ok for me to drink with people that are inviting me out (because they care about me and what to know that i am ok).  how can i be the father these boys really need to have to become strong men when i only get to see them 50% of the time.  how can i demonstrate the way they are supposed to treat their mother when they don't ever see us interact.

these questions, and many like them, are leaving me in an uncomfortable and unfamiliar spot.  i want to do what is right, i want to be who i should be.  i want to honor my God.

this morning it just came down to me sitting and talking with my God.  asking and saying "why am i not hearing from you.  i want to know these things.  i want to do what you want me to do."

i didnt get answers to any of my questions directly.  i am still confused, and without rules...

I was reminded of this from Proverbs 3 though:

5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;

6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.t

I thank God for this and he reminded me of a thought from last night's service at Calvary...A long obedience in the same direction.

God has already given me the "rule" I have been looking for...and it is sad to say that He still needs to remind me of it considering how often He has told me...but there it is..."Rob, don't do this by yourself.  Trust me that I have your best interest in mind.  I created you and I know what you need.  You too often run off in your own direction when you should be running to me.  Run to me Rob.  Run to me."

You are being loved

I often do not allow myself a lot of grace. I often guilt myself for failing in something. I heap the shame on thinking I deserve it.

It is stupid stuff sometimes too, like shaming myself for hurting emotionally. Seriously, I do that. I tell myself I should be over that, or that it is not worth hurting about. I feel badly for having relationship that make me smile and laugh because there is a part of me that feels like there always has to be this deep honest conversation happening so that the relationship has meaning.

There are a lot of lies I am telling myself

It is that reason why the Steven Curtis Chapman song "You Are Being Loved" has moved to the top of my favorites list in the last couple days.

While I was on the treadmill this past Friday night I came across this song and heard these words:

You ought to see the smile
you're bringing to your Father's face
You ought to hear Him sing His version of Amazing Grace
'cause that's the song being sung over you
By the God who breathes life into you

You are being loved
You are being loved
Right now at this very moment


My Creator loves me, right now, just as I am, this very moment.

And that is amazing

thinking about this...

This past Sunday I found myself spending time looking through a website called barewalls.com.  A site where you can find all sorts of different paintings or magazine covers.  I recently began reading a book by Henri Nouwen titled The Return of the Prodigal Son that stems from a fascination he had with Rembrandt's masterpiece named the same as the book.  I am only a few chapters in, but Nouwen shares the lessons he personally learned as he pursued the truths within this story that is so small considering the breadth of the Bible.

My time on barewalls.com though was not entirely spent on that masterpiece though.  I decided to find other works by Rembrandt because I am finding his work intriguing.  Intriguing is almost too light of a word.  As I saw the different works, I was drawn in.  Many of them were tied to scripture, to Jesus and his death, but the one I was fascinated by, was the one below.  I saw names of Abraham's Sacrifice,  Abraham and Isaac, and the Sacrifice of Isaac.  I still don't know what it is officially called.

Many thoughts came to my mind as I got lost in this image.  I am not sure exactly how much time passed, 20 minutes perhaps, but I could not draw myself away.

Here is what I wrote a friend shortly after discovering this work, "the angel of God pulling back Abraham's hand that was yielding the unsheathed knife while the other exposed the neck of the one who could bear the promise that God had given him.  That obedience, that faith, it just stirs something inside of me that I cannot take my eyes away from."

I have thought about this painting more and more over the last few days.  I hope someday to own a copy, and to study it and meditate on what God is truly teaching us here.  It is more than just obedience and faith, because those are only surface words to describe Abraham's actions here.  There is Isaac as well, and the love his father has for him.  The pain that must have been felt as he unsheathed his knife indicated by the way that Abraham held his son's face so that there is no eye contact possible.

He was going to do it.  He was going to offer his son as a sacrifice to his Creator.  The trajectory of the knife's path as it is falling in comparison to the position of his hand shows that he was in motion.  This painting makes it seem that he was in the act of sacrificing his son.

No, obedience and faith are too light of words for what this is...but I cannot choose the correct ones either...

And then there is this simple question...what should my response be in light of this truth?

grandparents

A weird week for my grandparents this week...my Grandpa Harvey moved into an assisted living complex because his Alzheimer has increased to the point that my Grandma can no longer care for him by herself...and today on the way to the salon my Grandma Peoples had a fall that is leaving her with almost 300 stitches in her scalp due to an 8" gash about 1" deep.

Watching the way their children and grandchildren (my parents, aunts, uncles, siblings, and cousins) have responded reminds me no only how much we need each other but also how people will respond when our needs are made known to them.

I want this to be a lesson that I take and learn from.  I want to build deeper relationships with my family so that we can support each other better.  I want to have friends that can lean on me just as I can lean on them.  I desire community in my life.  And not just for me, but for you, my friends, as well as my children and your children.

Do you want this too?  If so, lets build this together.

What to write...

I feel that I need to write something, anything, just to keep some momentum with my blog, with my openness. I just don't know what to write. I actually feel a little numb.

Until right now. Literally right now, so bear with me as I process these emotions. I am on my way to Chicago for the first time since last June when all 5 of us went together. Not just landing in O'hare like I did in November but an actual visit to the city. The AHR Expo is in town (a big heating nerd convention and well, I am a heating nerd) so a few of us are making a trip down.

I was reminded by a friend recently that the first are always the hardest. First holidays, birthdays, and other special events. I thought getting past Liam's birthday, Christmas and New Years meant I was going to be able to slide until Valentines day and then Ryan's birthday. I thought I had a couple weeks.

Seeing the sign for a restaurant across from Wrigley did it though. It touched a place in my heart that I have not been allowing myself to venture into. Kim and I would frequent this city and it has a special place in my heart because of those many memories.

My "work" today will keep my mind occupied as I walk around viewing and learning about all sorts of products and whatnot so I will be able to escape this a bit today. The truth is though there is only so much escaping I can do and only so much I should do, if I want to be healthy (emotionally available to others and able to love) that is.

The path to healing lies within these moments, within these firsts, as I abide in Gods grace and mercy.

He has brought me far already and I look forward to the day to be able to look back on this part of the journey knowing that it was through this deepest darkest valley that I learned to feel his presence more closely and listen to his gentle voice, to cast off my own desires (which is so difficult at times) and to fully trust him and his ways.