Detachment

Why bring me to this place, why create this heartbreak if you are not going to speak to me, if you are not going to heal me from what holds me back from being what you created me to be

I grow tired of sitting in this desert. I grow tired of the detachment of my idols. The evil places inside of me seek a safe comfortable place.

Come speak to me, come satisfy my deepest longings. Come soothe me with your presence. Let me know your peace.

Identity

I think I did well with my 2012 resolution. Most certainly better than any other resolution of my past. I resolved to learn to forgive. It turns out forgiveness is a continual process that at its core is derived from love. Forgiving is painful and freeing at the same time. Forgiving is letting somebody close enough to you and risking that they will hurt you again. Forgiving is complicated.

I have many to forgive still and many layers of forgiveness that need to be applied to others. Progress was made. Lots of it.

As I will share with friends in 24 hours, I will declare my intentions to spend 2013 finding my identity. I will embrace my being the beloved. I will break free from the chains of codependency. I will no longer listen to the lies of self rejection.

This is no small task, it will take a journey to places deep inside me, places that need to be redeemed by Jesus, but it will be worth it all.

I am so looking forward to 2013!

i am a child of God

i cannot remember a christmas that i have been more excited about than this christmas.

strike that, i cannot remember ever really being excited about christmas.

dont get me wrong, there were always moments of christmas past that i really enjoyed but there has always been a sense of brokenness that has stolen my excitement.  while i dont remember many things from my childhood, i can remember when this brokenness first showed up and i know it has plagued me since.

even though the voices of the brokenness in my life has increased, there is a voice that is even louder speaking to me.

it is the voice of my creator whispering words of love and affirmation to me, calling to me, filling the empty parts of my heart.

after our forefathers decided to do things their way, God set his plan of redemption in place...and maybe it was already there before we were created.  either way, when we broke ourselves and made it impossible for us to commune with our creator, God provided a way back for us.

the christmas story really starts there, when we first sinned.  the angels proclaimed it to the sheperds, "peace on earth, goodwill toward men"  the holy one came down to reconcile us to him.  he came to redeem.  he came to restore what had been lost.

redemption, restoration, reconciliation

i want these things in all areas of my life, and even though there are some ways that restoration is just not possible, new life CAN come from what has died.

when i started to listen, i began to hear something different than the voices of the world, i began to hear something different that my self rejection screaming at me.  i began to hear the voice of God tell me that i am loved, that he came down next to me to pick me up and restore me.

the voices of self rejection are still strong, but there is a greater voice, it is the voice of redemption, restoration, and reconciliation.  it is the voice of my creator tell me of my worth, telling me that i am a child of God.

christmas is exciting to me this year because we celebrate the beginning of God's biggest act of love, because we celebrate God's plan of redemption for mankind as he reconciles us back to him so that our relationship can be restored.  we celebrate because through God's son Jesus we can once again be told that we are his child, his beloved.

there isnt any bit of brokenness that is bigger than that.

Ghandi and Jesus

I learned very early in life that when talking religion that Jesus is normally the correct answer.

While I learned this in a Baptist church in Grand Haven, it turns out that I would have learned this at most gathering places (even the, gasp, Catholic ones)

The other day I bought this piece of wall art. As soon as I saw it I was drawn to it. Many words, many colors, many fonts, many little quips.

Today is a new day, you can start fresh, wipe the slate clean, begin again
Embrace kindness
Practice compassion
Stand up for justice
Talk to strangers
Ask for help
Listen with your whole heart
Offer hope
Work for the common good
Live well
Be the change you wish to see in the world

It is a powerful piece that I proudly am hanging in my kitchen as a reminder to me and a conversation piece to all who see it, including my 8 year old

I later found out that "be the change you wish to see in the world" is a quote made famous by Ghandi.

With or without Ghandi saying those words, a person should ask themselves, "what change do I wish to see in the world?"

I want to see Gods redemption and restoration that comes through Jesus. More simply I want to see Jesus

Maybe I am over thinking this here, but I think it is pretty cool that Ghandi is encouraging me to be like Jesus.

The Nike box

The tote said memories. I knew better but I ventured into it anyways.

Some pictures, an a couple shoes boxes.

The Merona box was the 150 or so wedding cards. I glanced through each one to see who they were from. There was only a small percentage that had real notes to us. It was easy enough though.

The next box, it was a Nike box. Inside was something that tore my heart from my chest, slammed it to the ground, and had a dance party on it.

Cards I had sent to Kim, words of love, words of truth, words of promises, words of longing. Each card was filled with an expression of the deep affection we shared.

I was good too. My words were fragrant as a rose, perfectly selected to emphasize my feelings and thoughts toward Kim.

The box was a punch in the gut not because Kim is gone, but because of the reason why she is gone. The box was a punch in the gut because I let life get in the way of me declaring myself in the ways I did when our love was young. I became busy with life, complacent, absentee.

Kim wanted me to see her in the way I had before, to be present with her at all times, just like I had promised. She wanted me to assure her that she was beautiful and valuable.

I have analyzed this before, I already knew this is how I failed her, but this Nike box was a reminder of it.

So today, I am trying to slow down. Today, I am trying to be more available. Today, I am learning ways to be present with others, giving of myself without the expectation of anything in return.

And today, I am praising God that he gives 2nd chances, that he loves to redeem failures like me, that he is a wondrous creator that makes masterpieces.

certain joy

there are certain joys about being a parent.  tonight after all the fun of halloween was over ryan and i had a few minutes to talk.  i called him to the couch i was sitting on and rested my hand on his knee as he was telling me about school.

it was so fulfilling just listening to this little man.  his long term sub is finishing this friday, she has been with them since the beginning of the year, and today she made a comment about reese's peanut butter cups so ryan wanted to be certain to bring her some.  we talked about homework and his party at school.  ryan is a great kid, and his mind is so wonderful.  we even talked about math.  ryan doesnt like it so much, but i love it.  when he told me he was struggling with crossboxing.  i dont know this term but its something to do with subtraction when you need to borrow from multiple columns.  i got all giddy and went to the table to get some paper and crayons to show him my "easy way" of doing it.  (i always looked for the easiest way to come to the correct solution)

when ryan went to bed he woke sick noah (he missed trick or treating) who came out and sat next to me.  it quickly became him leaning and laying on me.  he is warm and lethargic, but was showing some improvement from 4 hours ago when he could have passed for a zombie.  we snuggled for a while and told noah there is no school for him tomorrow unless he gets a lot better and then he trotted away and back into bed.

caring for these young men is a joy because when i sit down and savor moments like these, i am reminded that i am a son as well.  it is the best image i have for how God loves me.  perhaps the greatest of joy from these moments comes from knowing that as i target knowing God intimately and tangibly that these boys will follow me and begin to target the same.

i think it is fitting that i end with this quote i stumbled upon earlier tonight

don't fear failure, fear spending your life succeeding at things that really do not matter

nick wagenmaker once said

lately it seems that i have often been asking questions regarding the future.

what is next.  

when is next.

who is next.

where is next.

i am in a bit of a fog and my restless heart doesnt it like it.  deep inside i long for security.  i long for safety.  i long to be known.

so just like the many sunday afternoons of the past 18 months, i find myself at work.  i am filling my time with studying new products, music videos, admiring rembrandt's artwork through a computer, watching sports scores, and tying up loose ends to customers needs.

but in all of this, i am talking with my Creator as well.  asking these same questions and hoping today is the day i am quiet and still enough to hear his answer.

there are certain things i know about my future, but there are just as many things i now about today.

scattered across my desk are little notes, definition to words, and scripture i have posted.  

"love wins" 

"die to yourself"

"you are the God who works wonders; you have made known your might among the peoples" psalm 77:14

"love - unselfish, loyal, and benevolent concern for the good of another"

"cherish - 1a) to hold dear, feel or show affections for 1b) to keep or cultivate with care and affection, to nuture 2) to entertain or harbor in the mind deeply and resolutely"

"partnerships are formed when both people believe that a greater benefit lies in uniting energies, talents, and resources than in remaining separate."

there is a good many thought provoking notes i have at my desk, positioned with purpose as well.  the note that got me today though was my checklist.  the checklist with 13 words on it, positioned in 5 rows.  the checklist that when i can check all of them off, i will know the next season in life will be here.  these 13 words look like this:

finances

personal healing

personal growth

becoming highly disciplined

learning to submit to God

several months ago, my friend nick wagenmaker spoke to my restless heart.  he didnt know about my list, but he did know i had experienced a great deal of brokenness.  he likened my life to one who had major surgery.  he told me to rest and heal.  slow down.  you dont have a major surgery and get up like nothing ever happened.  "rob, you are in recovery."  his point was taken.  

as i listened this evening, i looked over at my list, and God reminded me to stay in this moment.  He brought the surgery/recovery talk with nick back to mind, and showed me where i am now.  i am out of surgery.  i am out of critical condition, i am almost out of recovery, but i have to pass physical therapy first.  God reminded me to not worry about what is next, but to focus on today.  focus on becoming stronger.  

recovery was a season of healing.  

today is a season of growth.