here i sit

Its late on a Friday night.  The clock says 7:11.  I am at work.  In the office.  The place where I hid.  I hid often.  I didn’t always work, but I was salary, so once the day was over, working at my own pace was acceptable.

But today, here I sit. And the spirit just came over me and said, remember those days.  Remember those days when you hid.  Remember those days when you were broken so badly you needed to hide.  Remember the tears that you cried sitting in that corner spot.  You were looking for answers.  You didn’t want this, you didn’t ask for this, but here it was.  The death of your dreams.  your wife left you.  She found another guy who would love her.  You were no longer needed.  You weren’t good enough.  You failed.

You failed.

Even as I write that this moment, the sting comes back.  If I am not careful, I may even succumb to those thoughts again.  they really are strong within me still.  It is hard to say, my marriage is over because I did not love well enough, because I was a boy in an adult body, because I didn’t understand the deep responsibility of loving a woman, the heavy task that it is to love.

But the truth of my past failures is not the only truth that rings in my life today.  I am more than what I have done wrong in my life, just as they are a part of me, so is the truth that I have done well.  I have had successes.  I have loved others.  I have grown.  I have a message to give.  I am worthy to be loved.  I am good enough.  I have greatness living in me. 

The dreams that I once held may have died, but there are dreams that live within me today.  You may laugh at some of them, but I haven’t given up on dreaming.  I am putting feet to some of these dreams, and my dreams are becoming goals. 

It has taken me forever to claim the truth that just because I failed at something, that it does not mean I am a failure.  Kim and I together failed at marriage.  I may fail at it again, but my dad has shown me that just because you fail once, doesn’t mean you will fail the second time.  At work, I fail all the time, but I still come to work and (usually) bring my best.  

No, I am not a failure; I am more.