Chapter 15

Chapter 15 of "Healing the Masculine Soul" by Gordon Dalbey kicked my butt.  Dalbey recapped the story of Jacob, his life in general and his night of wrestling with God. 

This chapter kicked my butt because I have wrestled with God. Not to long ago my thoughts were, "I was to do this and then God, then you would do that.  I was supposed to pray this and you would do what I asked. God you were supposed to heal our hurts and save our marriage.  Do you really even care?  And what about the boys, what about the brokenness they will grow up in now?  God, where are you?"

The struggle inside of me was more than just about my marriage, about my boys safety, about finances, where we would live, or any other surface issue. The struggle inside of me was about who I was going to trust.  My struggle with God was really this question, "in whom do I trust?"

Chapter 15 kicked my butt because I saw myself in the story of Jacob for the first time. 

In the ancient Hebrew culture, a man's name carried his very essence and identity. No Hebrew parents chose a name for their baby just because it sounded nice, but rather becuase the name fit that child...The name Jacob, however, means "the one who grabs from behind" - that is, "the cheater" "the one who'll do anything to keep someone else from getting ahead of him."

...

Stranger still, we read that Jacob manages to get a hold on God - an armlock, maybe? - and he hangs on for dear life. Then God - in a move that would make any wrestler call "foul" - punches Jacob in the thigh, throwing his leg out of joint. Straining, aching, Jacob cries out at lady, " I won't let You go unless You bless me!"

And, of course, the blessing comes. But such a blessing!  "What is your name?" God asks. And remembering here the Hebrew custom regarding names, the question becomes, "Who are you?"

When he hangs on for dear life and answers, "I am Jacob, the one who grabs from behind, the trickster, the con man, the liar, the scared mama's boy" - then his spiritual assailant proclaims, "Your name will no longer be Jacob. You have struggled with God and with men, and you have won; so your new name will be Israel" (v. 28) 

Dalbey finishes the chapter talking more about our struggle, the struggle to be loved by somebody else and the struggle to love others instead of manipulating them to get what we want, and then in turn wounding them. And the struggle that we have with God where he will confront our inner darkness. 

Part of the story that I left out was that before God and Jacob wrestled, Jacob was being pressured on all sides of his live. His uncle he had cheated on his backside and his brother he had cheated ahead of him. He entered this gorge to find an escape from the pressure of his life. And God was there to give Jacob truth and purpose.

God was there to give Jacob a new life. 

And that is where I know that Jacob and I are the same. It was a boiling point that brought us to our wrestling a match, and our wrestling match left us changed.