Holiday depression

I don't know why I was surprised when earlier today my heart began to sink. This feeling has crept into my life for the past 20 something years around this time. Holiday depression is alive and well in my life. 

And I hate that it is. It is the one tradition that I wish I could be rid of. 

There is a Christmas Day, when I was 15, where I remember just sitting in the corner of the crowded room and just started bawling my eyes out.  So much noise was going on, nobody even noticed. Surrounded by people, but yet all alone. 

And I don't know if I am really all that different now.  

The evidence of brokenness was present then just as the evidence of brokenness is present by my empty house now. 

I have learned something in the past 20 years though. Maybe I should even say experienced something. Psalm 23:4. 

Even when the way goes through Death Valley, I’m not afraid when you walk at my side. Your trusty shepherd’s crook makes me feel secure. (Psalm 23:4 MSG)

Death Valley...a place of little life, little growth, animal skulls, and no life giving water. It is the antithesis to the Garden of Eden or the Promise Land (that flowed with milk and honey).  I have also likened it to Mordor in the Lord of the Rings. It is a depressing place. 

Holiday depression, feeling low becuase of the presence of brokenness, is alive, but it won't be forever.  It really points to my personal need for Jesus' birth and my personal need for a Redeemer. It points to the truth that if all was left to my own doing, I would screw it all up, big time. 

This growning in my heart reminds me to make room for Emmanuel, because God really is here with us, just like Psalm 23:4 says. 

I still think holiday depression sucks, but maybe I won't hate it because it has a redemptive purpose.