Psalm 123:3

Be gracious to us, O LORD, be gracious to us,
For we are greatly filled with contempt. (Psalm 123:3 NASB)

The death of self is the most difficult struggle I face. Am I willing to give up my dreams, my hopes, my everyday wants. An I willing to give up security, my kids, my neighbors, the better school for my boys.

There are many that understand this better than I, many that have a greater trust in God's provision and protection than I do but today I am faced with the idea that my plans, hopes and dreams are not just often found to be foolish, but also found to be contemptuous.

Contemptuous is a hard word for me to swallow. It leaves me questioning who I really am at the heart level and what I really am about.

Those questions are not fun questions because the answers are not easy answers, they take real evaluation and if I am to break free from my contemptuous lifestyle they will take me laying down my desires, even my deepest desires.

Tonight I am laying outside starring into the sky, waiting for something. I don't know what I am waiting for specifically. A sign, a miracle, Gods audible voice.

There is so much I can't wrap my head around right now.

God please be gracious to me. Please show me a better way. Please show me your way.