Last night, for the first night since August 28th, I slept in our bedroom.
When Kim left, I gave her our bedroom set to take with her, leaving me with our couch to rest my body. It can probably be said that was stupid, I am still not sure. I know I want her to come home, and if one day she looks back and sees the sacrifice I made for her, then it will be well worth it and not stupid.
That is just to say I did not have a bed for this time. I could have prioritized the purchase of a box spring and mattress to go with a frame that is a family heirloom, and I still may for sentimental value, but I never did.
I was too scared...too scared to come back into this room...too scared to be alone...to scared to face the absence of my life as I knew it 6 months ago...to scared to face my failures as a husband.
I am left dumbfounded when I think how much I have let fear rule my life. Fear that I wouldn't be accepted, fear that I would be found a fraud, fear that I would be alone...and those are just the ones that I can admit.
Satan lied to me and I bought it. I had been hurt before, wounded deeply, and so I believed the lies...
The truth is being made known though and those fears are being exposed as lies.
As many fears and lies I have found so far, I am trying to replace them with God's truth.
I was ready to face the pain and lies that were held within my mind's eye of this room and so I called my stepmom who had offered one of their spare beds to me to accept the offer. Within hours I had a new bed here and setup, not even one of their spares.
Somebody asked me if I was finally starting to move on...no, I have decided to face this pain. I am not embracing it and will not hid from it any longer, it is time to walk through it and to learn from it.
It is time to expose these fears as what they are...lies from the deceiver that is looking, searching, for those he can devour. I may be wounded, but you may not have me nor my wife or children. God is for us...your weapons will not prosper.
When Kim left, I gave her our bedroom set to take with her, leaving me with our couch to rest my body. It can probably be said that was stupid, I am still not sure. I know I want her to come home, and if one day she looks back and sees the sacrifice I made for her, then it will be well worth it and not stupid.
That is just to say I did not have a bed for this time. I could have prioritized the purchase of a box spring and mattress to go with a frame that is a family heirloom, and I still may for sentimental value, but I never did.
I was too scared...too scared to come back into this room...too scared to be alone...to scared to face the absence of my life as I knew it 6 months ago...to scared to face my failures as a husband.
I am left dumbfounded when I think how much I have let fear rule my life. Fear that I wouldn't be accepted, fear that I would be found a fraud, fear that I would be alone...and those are just the ones that I can admit.
Satan lied to me and I bought it. I had been hurt before, wounded deeply, and so I believed the lies...
The truth is being made known though and those fears are being exposed as lies.
As many fears and lies I have found so far, I am trying to replace them with God's truth.
I was ready to face the pain and lies that were held within my mind's eye of this room and so I called my stepmom who had offered one of their spare beds to me to accept the offer. Within hours I had a new bed here and setup, not even one of their spares.
Somebody asked me if I was finally starting to move on...no, I have decided to face this pain. I am not embracing it and will not hid from it any longer, it is time to walk through it and to learn from it.
It is time to expose these fears as what they are...lies from the deceiver that is looking, searching, for those he can devour. I may be wounded, but you may not have me nor my wife or children. God is for us...your weapons will not prosper.
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