looking back from then to now

Right now, when I look back on the last 6 months, I see that I have been brought quite a distance from where I was.  I have gone from being a man caught up in protecting himself and his interest, complete with the self-righteousness I had earned in my view of religious matters (all the things I wasn’t doing) to becoming a man who is willing to give up control of how the future unfolds and follow his creator on a great adventure.  I have gone from being a man who used people to help get the outcome I wanted and starting to become a man who is celebrating people for who they are, not for what they can do for me.  I have gone from being a man who would cower away from a challenge because of the possibility I may be hurt and as a result show that I am fallible and am becoming a man who knows he is broken and wounded but is confident I can continue moving forward because God is leading the way.

I have encountered God and I am experiencing his grace and forgiveness.  I am beginning to understand the depth of his love.  I am beginning to understand who he created us to be.  I am beginning to understand that the redemption that he gives, the eternal life that he promises, is not just something that we experience when we leave this world but rather that he desires every bit of our lives to be just like the perfection of the garden.

I have begun to take on a new identity as well.  The lies of the Enemy spoke to me and the wounds that he created in me, even from a very young age, shaped me into something that was different than what God had in mind for me.  I was full of pride and arrogance.  I was right and I was going to let you know it.  I was, to say the least, an ass.  There were so many parts of my persona that I created that were in place only to protect me from being hurt by other people.  For example, I had to have the right answer so that people would accept me, so that people would need me.  I need to be needed.  When I saw myself through the shame that I created, through the lies of Satan that I believed, I needed to protect myself.  If people only knew the truth about me…God sent me to Seattle and I was believing that it was to learn something to save my marriage, perhaps even something magical, but in reality, Dr Hawkins and Mr Knopf (my counselors) helped me face who I was, why I was that way, and showed me that I could be somebody different.

These last 7 weeks since I have returned from Seattle have been spent in solitude, reflection, and evaluation.  I have been processing my hurts and have begun to move forward…but only because of a greater search, my identity according to God.  God has been stripping away the lies that I have believed and begun to replace them with his truths.  It is part of the reason, if not the major reason, why being in the scriptures is so important, so that our minds can be filled with his truths instead of the lies from ourselves, the world, and from the enemy.  It is when I find myself with him, in his love, do I begin to see the bigger picture for my life, and only then that I can begin to forgive the people that have wounded me.

Perhaps some of you knew from the moment you first heard about this dilemma that Kim and I find ourselves in that this was about so much more than just our marriage.  This journey is about our marriage, but also about us specifically as parents, and coworkers, as neighbors, as friends, as children of the living God, about our eternity and future ministry.

This season has come for the purpose of getting us ready for the adventure that lies ahead, a journey that is full of life, and grace, and joy.  This season is not over, the painful truth is evident, but the expectation of what is to come eases this aching inside me.

I am afraid

How many times have I failed you lord?  How many times have I failed to give you control out of fear that I will be hurt again.  I try to protect myself instead of remaining vulnerable, instead of risking what may happen.
You tell me that you have plans for me, works for me to do, and an abundant joyful life to live.  You tell me that I am made in your image, fearfully and wonderfully made.
But yet I fear losing what I desire the most.  I have an idea on what Jarius must have felt like when he was told his child was dead and that he should leave Jesus alone.
Mark 5:36 is awesome though because it says, ignoring what they said, Jesus says do not be afraid, just believe.
This man was just told one of the most horrific things he could be told, your child is dead, and Jesus ignores it.  With good reason though...he knew the power available to take what is dead and bring it to life again.
Jesus words reach out to me as well...despite whatever looks to be apparent please help me to see you father and to not not be afraid and rather to just believe.

what i am fighting for

this morning, i was reminded what i am fighting for.  not what, who rather...and maybe a little bit of what.

noah was sick yesterday with flu like symptoms and had to be picked up from school.  by the end of the work day, i too was having flu like symptoms.  long story short, noah spent the night with me and kim was going to pick him up this morning.

it was in that time i was reminded who i am fighting for.  instead of fighting about schedules or running from pains that are too difficult to face, kim reached out to me in my need, and in doing so gave me a little piece of her heart.

and when she did that, she exposed me to the beauty that lives inside her, waiting to be revealed.

it is that beauty i am fighting to bring out.  it is her that i am fighting for.

father god i ask for strength and wisdom in this fight.  please help me fight for your daughter.

Back in the bedroom

Last night, for the first night since August 28th, I slept in our bedroom.
When Kim left, I gave her our bedroom set to take with her, leaving me with our couch to rest my body.  It can probably be said that was stupid, I am still not sure.  I know I want her to come home, and if one day she looks back and sees the sacrifice I made for her, then it will be well worth it and not stupid.
That is just to say I did not have a bed for this time.  I could have prioritized the purchase of a box spring and mattress to go with a frame that is a family heirloom, and I still may for sentimental value, but I never did.
I was too scared...too scared to come back into this room...too scared to be alone...to scared to face the absence of my life as I knew it 6 months ago...to scared to face my failures as a husband.
I am left dumbfounded when I think how much I have let fear rule my life.  Fear that I wouldn't be accepted, fear that I would be found a fraud, fear that I would be alone...and those are just the ones that I can admit.
Satan lied to me and I bought it.  I had been hurt before, wounded deeply, and so I believed the lies...
The truth is being made known though and those fears are being exposed as lies. 
As many fears and lies I have found so far, I am trying to replace them with God's truth.
I was ready to face the pain and lies that were held within my mind's eye of this room and so I called my stepmom who had offered one of their spare beds to me to accept the offer.  Within hours I had a new bed here and setup, not even one of their spares. 
Somebody asked me if I was finally starting to move on...no, I have decided to face this pain.  I am not embracing it and will not hid from it any longer, it is time to walk through it and to learn from it.
It is time to expose these fears as what they are...lies from the deceiver that is looking, searching, for those he can devour.  I may be wounded, but you may not have me nor my wife or children.  God is for us...your weapons will not prosper.