god created me special. he timed everything out the be perfect for his plan of my life. i often like to think that i know what i am doing when in all reality i have no clue. take being a husband for example. no clue. my wife needs me to be romantic. really no clue. i am about as emotionally level as they come (most of the time) and so this is hard for me to do. i have to be super intentional about my words and actions so that i don't ruin whatever slight bit of romance that i have created. i love my wife and would give up anything up for her. she makes the dark days sparkle when she kisses my lips.
but i needlessly worry that i dont convey my love to her. i allow myself to become intimidated by my lack of knowledge and abilities.
I wrote this such a long time ago, somewhere in 2005, my world was completely different, and i didn't know any better.
oddly enough, i was vulnerable in this moment. i was truly sharing a small piece of my heart with you. i bravely admitted here that i had no clue. the problem is that i did not let these words that i said shape my curiosity at all. i should have asked why do i think i know it all, do i portray that to the world, and if i do, how do i portray it. am i being like Christ in this?
when i said i was as emotionally level as they come why did i not ask myself, is there a reason that i became this way, don't i want to feel emotions. when did i stop dreaming about things. why were the words so hard to come by.
the next line, i needlessly worry that i don't convey my love to her is a sword into my heart. i bought into a lie. i thought she knew how i feel back then. i thought i was working so hard to let her know that i didn't have to ask her if she felt loved. we spent time together, so i thought we were ok.
I WAS WRONG
Kim, I am sorry I bought into this lie. I am sorry I left you unloved. Please believe this in your heart.
When I was in Seattle, with Dr Hawkins and Chuck Knopf, I learned why I didn't ask these questions back then.
The answer is simple, I didn't want to feel the pain of the truth. I created an environment where I did not have to. I created my own reality in which I was king. I created a persona that had no room for me to be wrong, and that everybody had to appreciate me when I was right. I spoke words just to be heard by others, and because I thought I was right, my words needed action by others.
All this so I did not have to hurt, that I did not have to feel shame, that I did not have to feel weakness.
Henri Nouwen wrote this truth in "Out of Solitude":
But underneath all our emphasis on successful action, many of us suffer from a deep-seated, low self-esteem and are walking around with the constant fear that somebody will unmask the illusion and show that we are not as smart, as good, or as lovable as the world was made to believe. Once in a while someone will confess in an intimate moment, "Everyone thinks I am very quiet and composed, but if only they knew how I really feel...." This nagging self-doubt is at the basis of so much depression in the lives of many people who are struggling in our competitive society. Moreover, this corroding fear for the discovery of our weaknesses prevents community and creative sharing. When we have sold our identity to the judges of this world, we are bound to become restless, because of a growing need for affirmation and praise. Indeed we are tempted to become low-hearted because of a constant self-rejection. And we are in serious danger of becoming isolated, since friendship and love are impossible without a mutual vulnerability.
I really wanted to add some emphasis in there, but there is so much truth I didn't want you to miss it because of something that means more to me this moment.
The truth comes down to this. Kim and I stopped being truly vulnerable with each other despite our great need for love from the other person because we were afraid the other would stop loving us. We were afraid the other would stop loving us because we were both hurting so much on the inside....
Kim, I am here now, with my heart waiting to be laid bare to you. I am here for you.
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