Dad, I'm 11

"Dad, I'm 11"

These words gripped my heart. He is closer to being a man than the day of his birth. 

And I worry. 

Ryan is a great kid, but I worry if he is going to be a great man. Will he fall into something that will cause his life to stumble off the course his potential could take him. Will he get busted for drinking, use drugs, impregant somebody while in high school. 

My fear comes out of a desire to protect him but also from the question inside me that asks if I am doing enough. 

More important than that question is the one that asks, am I being the man I want him to be?  

Marvel cinematic universe

The boys and I love the superheroes of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, we are pretty big fans of Batman, and seeing the Rebel Alliance bring ruin to the Death Star brings shouts of jubilee. (X-Men and Hobbits too)

These fictional stories stir something inside us that draws us in.  Good conquering evil. We crave it...

I believe in our souls we really know that there is a war raging around us in a spiritual realm that directly affects our lives. And we want Good to win. Life is better when Good wins. Evil brings pain and death. Good brings peace and love. 

The Bible tells a story of Good winning over Evil as well and the result being the peace and love that existed before Evil tried to mess it up.  

I am looking forward to Good winning. 

Quiet

I get quiet when life gets tough these days.  I lose my desire to write, even to post on facebook. 

But how true is it that on most days we are battling some thing or another. How often do we really have a perfect life?

The latest audio book I have been listening to, "Waking the Dead" by John Eldredge, would suggest that there is a reason outside of ourselves for this reason of turmoil. A reason outside of the people in our lives, outside of the president or congress, a reason that finds itself in the spiritual realm. 

We have turmoil in our lives because we have an enemy. The enemy of our creator is the enemy of the creation. If the enemy mars the beautiful work of our creator, then our creator gets less credit for the wonders made (us). 

Our enemy uses chaos while trying to critically wound us. Our enemy has employed a seek and destroy philosophy. 

This perspective changes things for me. My circumstances may not change, but my actions can. 

Resting

It is shortly before 11a on Saturday. I am resting because I am tired, but there is shame in the resting. There is shame because the dishes are stacked high, the laundry is even higher, and there are piles of boxes that came out from my work van scattered throughout my house. 

Boys to entertain/train in the other room, a class to finish for a Monday time slot, and 2 soccer games to coach this afternoon add to the demand. 

I am resting because I am on the verge of freaking out. I need to be centered. There should not be shame, but shame existing only reinforces my need to be centered and travel back to my heart. 

Come and get your love

I think I listened to redbones "come and get your love" about 37 times today.  I shared it with a friend. Talked about it over sushi. I posted about it on Facebook. 

From the first note, this song moves me. It is like there is a spell that is being cast over me.  

And I want to dance (horribly, the dancing, not the desire, well sort of the desire).

Here is the truth. Deep inside me, I am calling out "come and get your love" to her. I mean, there isn't a her that I am actually calling this out to, but rather that my heart is ready for her to take up residence. 

And do you know what else is there deep inside?  Dancing. I have forever been afraid of looking crappy on the dance floor and having people laugh at me.  I want to be footloose, to be free.  I've started to dabble in the floor, and it's a blast. 

Just an hour ago I started to realize this connection as on the way home from a movie I swung by the State Park.  The moon shimmered off Lake Michigan as I pulled up. The black backdrop of the night sky setup the brilliance of each star. The air was heavy and brisk as I stepped out of the car. 

Like so many times before, I praised God for this scene that only West Michigan provides.

As that spiritual moment began, the song began to play for the 38th time. I danced as best I could.  

The depth of my heart joined the beauty of nature. In that moment I think God was smiling at all he created. 

An outsiders perspective.

For the last couple years I have been expanding my relational circles in order to meet more single ladies. Coed soccer, church, community events, local bands playing at a pub, bookstores...I've been busy. And I've always had an open eye. 

I don't have a game or a level of mystique to draw people in with.  I am straightforward, open, and prefer to talk about matters of the heart.  A friend of a friend even asked her if I was gay because I will openly talk about being a better man and loving better. Supposedly, men aren't allowed to do that.  (I hope you are shaking your head too, it is just nonsense.)

While I am still learning to honor myself, my desires and feelings, and will still shift into a people pleasing mode for fear of rejection, I am not blind to what I see. 

And here is what I see:

Single moms, you are strong women. You sacrifice much of what you want for the betterment of your kids.  You don't have to, but you choose to.  You know what love is. 

You have been deeply wounded by at least one guy in your life but you still hope to find that one person that can touch you in the depth of your soul. You dream of this and even if it is hidden away in the highest tower of your heart, this dream still lives. You want some one who can see you for you and just love you.  The dream is that he will walk with you every step of your life. 

You carry great beauty everywhere you go.  You are beautiful. You have not heard it enough in your life. You have not heard it enough today. Saying it with every synonym of the word still wouldn't be enough. Pretty, ravishing, stunning, beauteous, good looking, hot, attractive, alluring, dreamy, sexy, bonny...all of these words are not enough.  I can hear you now...but my thighs, my stomach, my stretch marks...you wouldn't think so if you saw me naked.  

STOP.  

You are beautiful. Maybe it was your eyes, or smile, or the way you walk, or how you were rocking that dress that first caught our eye, but that isn't what keeps us interested. It is who you are. It is your heart and your dreams that hook us. It is the beauty that lies inside of you.  Believe me on this.  Who you are is captivating. 

You are worth fighting for.  My friends with little girls are all caught up with the Disney princesses. Truth be told, we all are in a way. Cinderella was locked in a tower and had to be sought after. Snow White's heart lay asleep in the forest because of the posion apple. Briar Rose was asleep in her castle. Rapunzel was trapped in her tower.  These fictional stories are similar to yours. Whether it be towers to scale or dragons to battle, hearts are guarded. It will take time and effort by somebody who is willing to fight for you to really break past the defenses. Know that you are worth fighting for. 

There is so much more that could be said on a personal level, but these are pieces of the truth that I can see as an outsider. You are worthy to be loved, so keep dreaming and waiting for the day when you can rest in the arms of the one who will walk with you in your soul. 

Speak truth

If a man always speaks truth his words have power. 

When he tells a child he can do, the child goes on to conquer anything. 

When he tells his boss he will, the boss will reward him with trust. 

When he tells a woman she is pretty, she will know in her heart she is beautiful.