That old message is still there

There is a message that I just can't shake from my head.  The past few months have been so full of successes, movement, and growth that it is absurd this message still lingers in my mind. 

It is the message that I am not good enough. Dress it up however you want, but the message is still the same. 

Your house isn't clean enough. 

You don't work enough. 

You need to return voicemails faster. 

You can't lead anybody. 

You are a lousy soccer coach. 

You are single. 

You can't meet deadlines

You don't follow through enough. 

You don't pay close enough attention to the small things. 

You are too fat. 

You aren't fashionable.

You don't love well. 

You are selfish.  

You don't do enough for your boys. 

I have been so firm and filled with confidence for a while, I don't know where this snuck up from. But I am in a funk right now. Today. Tonight. 

I'm hoping this is just a lack of sleep and that tomorrow I can start with a fresh outlook. 

Wow was I lost

In the last 24 hours I have read most of what I have on this blog, including the many unpublished posts. 

Was I ever broken!

I have gobs of journals lying around my house of the deeper struggle and inner turmoil I had experienced as well. 

But looking back from this part of the journey, I know I am a better man because of it. 

In many ways, I have become a man. I don't mean the "I've got a big boy job and responsibility" but rather that I am able to make decisions about my life, set goals and chase after them.  I am able to take rejection and learn from it.  I am comfortable in my own skin. I can laugh and enjoy life. I can admit I don't have all the answers. 

I've grown from a boy into a man, because of the brokenness that I talk about here. 

My heart could be broken again

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

These words from C.S. Lewis have meant so much to me in the last 3 years. I memorized them and quoted them, to myself, friends, even strangers. 

I had a paraphrased version that helped people see the truth that is here.  

Previously these words helped me pursue Kim when she left. On days when I was too wounded and had no natural desire to press on, these words were a challenge and an encouragement to me.  I remember telling myself that if I really loved her I had to be willing to go where nobody else would go and that I had to do what nobody else would do. I told myself that I needed to remain vulnerable to her so that she could see my heart. 

Today though, a few years since these words first hit me, the truth is ringing home again.

I have begun to date. If texting with people and flipping through online profiles is really what dating is these days. I've messaged with lots of women and only 1 has made it to a first real date.  And then a 2nd date. And hopefully a 3rd date soon. I like her and I find myself looking forward to talking with her more and more. 

But there is this hesitation inside of me. 

What if you like her more than she likes you?  What if you begin to care deeply for her and then it's over. What if you love her and she has an affair and leaves you for somebody else. 

All fears, which mean this is the enemy speaking to my wound, like he is an expert at doing. 

Here is what I know: I am not dating the woman that left me. I am not the same man that was left.  I want to be known in the depth of my soul. In order to be known in the depth of my soul, I have to share my fears and my dreams. Ultimately, I have to be willing to experience hurt if I am going to fully experience the joy and oneness I really long for. 

Please don't date daddy

Ryan overheard me making plans with a friend to watch Fury next weekend. I said I'm open unless I have a date. 

He made a comment on the way home about it and during snuggle time, it all came out. 

I am broken by his fear. 

"Daddy, please don't get married really fast like momma."

After a lot of conversation about why I want to date and have a wife, and what God created us for (Noah was here too, so I left out the sex part) the rest of the story came out and the wound of both the boys was exposed. 

They are afraid that our safe place, our team, is going to be broken up and they will be left all alone without somebody to love them. 

I am broken by this. After assuring them I will not leave them and the woman I find will also want to love them and care for them I tucked them into bed. I couldn't hold it in anymore and I just cried for a few minutes. 

I once read that people will see God similarly to the way they see their father.  I hope it is true. I hope these boys will know that just as I am on their side, and they experience me not leaving them alone in this life, that they will know God in the same way. 

God please strengthen them through this.

frogturduck

The frogturduck is my unique hybrid that I made with a red eyed tree frog, a painted turtle and a duck.  Frogturducks are good at surviving because they are good fliers, swimmers and climbers.

            Frogturducks are omnivores which mean that they eat both plants and animals.  They can live in a lot of different places because they have an aquatic diet and a land diet.  They can stick their head underwater (like a duck) and eat algae, small fish and mollusks.  If they get tired of sticking their head underwater and swimming, then there are always bugs!  Frogturducks also like to eat insects like moths, flies and crickets.

            Food is not the only thing that frogturducks need to survive because they are not on the top of the food chain.  They have many predators.  If they are flying then they could be taken down an eagle or a hawk.  If they are swimming they could be eaten by a big fish like a northern pike.  If they are taking a little nap then a snake could eat one up.  They usually rely on camouflage because they have brown feathers blend in with tree bark and dead leaves.  If a frogturduck does get caught off guard then there is a slim chance that it will be protected by its hard, but light shell.  If they see a snake coming then it will fly away or climb a tree using its sticky foot pads.  

by Ryan Peoples

on giving up

i have to admit, giving up when the road is difficult seems like a pleasant idea.  there is another path right there, and down that path is what you really want.  take the path.

that internal conversation is a constant one it seems like.

but you would think that i have learned by now that just because i am feeling empty and lost and not gaining any ground towards my desired destination...when it feels like it is going backwards and a bit out of control that i would stop those conversations with the reminder that every time i have gone down that road, it only takes me further away from my destination.  

i find it best to have a conversation instead  that ends with "trust God, he is for you.

i used to think that Jeremiah 29:11, a verse that is often thrown around about Gods provision.  I used to think that is what it is about at least...with the "plans to prosper you and not to harm you" part and all.

but today, i find that verse different.

written in the context to a people far from home, a people broken and with shattered dreams, this verse is a very intimate conversation that we can identify with.  

i would paraphrase it something like this, "your dreams are not dead because i am the dream giver.  i breathe life into all things.  so hope beyond hope, and hold fast to your dreams of home.  wait in anticipation.  i will deliver."

its my paraphrase, but that, that is what ends the conversation about giving up.

Perhaps my favorite words I've ever written.

Ryan,

I am excited to give you this Bible because it is a trail marker on your journey to becoming a man and a warrior for the kingdom. I pray the love that God has for you motivates you to change the world one moment at a time. I am honored to call you my son. 

Love always. 

Dad.