life of peoples

rules, rules, rules

2012-02-12T15:51:00.001-05:00

i have learned i am a rules guy. i like to play by the rules. i like to enforce the rules. i like the comfort that rules give to me. (that is a statement all in itself, but i am not going to be addressing that one today, i dont think)

my desire for rules and boundaries has had me spending the last 7 to 10 days asking myself and others questions about how i should be living my life. pointed questions, like how should i be responding to kim while going through a divorce. how close should i let other people get to our situation. what is my part of our marriage covenant made between us and God supposed to look like right now. what are my friendships with single women or women going through a divorce right now supposed to look like as to still honor the promise that I made to Kim. am i guarding and leading my heart the way i should be as a person trying to follow his Creator? how much alcohol is ok for me to drink with people that are inviting me out (because they care about me and what to know that i am ok). how can i be the father these boys really need to have to become strong men when i only get to see them 50% of the time. how can i demonstrate the way they are supposed to treat their mother when they don't ever see us interact.

these questions, and many like them, are leaving me in an uncomfortable and unfamiliar spot. i want to do what is right, i want to be who i should be. i want to honor my God.

this morning it just came down to me sitting and talking with my God. asking and saying "why am i not hearing from you. i want to know these things. i want to do what you want me to do."

i didnt get answers to any of my questions directly. i am still confused, and without rules...

I was reminded of this from Proverbs 3 though:

5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;

6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.t

I thank God for this and he reminded me of a thought from last night's service at Calvary...A long obedience in the same direction.

God has already given me the "rule" I have been looking for...and it is sad to say that He still needs to remind me of it considering how often He has told me...but there it is..."Rob, don't do this by yourself. Trust me that I have your best interest in mind. I created you and I know what you need. You too often run off in your own direction when you should be running to me. Run to me Rob. Run to me."

You are being loved

2012-02-04T22:34:00.001-05:00

I often do not allow myself a lot of grace. I often guilt myself for failing in something. I heap the shame on thinking I deserve it.

It is stupid stuff sometimes too, like shaming myself for hurting emotionally. Seriously, I do that. I tell myself I should be over that, or that it is not worth hurting about. I feel badly for having relationship that make me smile and laugh because there is a part of me that feels like there always has to be this deep honest conversation happening so that the relationship has meaning.

There are a lot of lies I am telling myself

It is that reason why the Steven Curtis Chapman song "You Are Being Loved" has moved to the top of my favorites list in the last couple days.

While I was on the treadmill this past Friday night I came across this song and heard these words:

You ought to see the smile
you're bringing to your Father's face
You ought to hear Him sing His version of Amazing Grace
'cause that's the song being sung over you
By the God who breathes life into you

You are being loved
You are being loved
Right now at this very moment

My Creator loves me, right now, just as I am, this very moment.

And that is amazing

thinking about this...

2012-02-01T18:20:00.001-05:00

This past Sunday I found myself spending time looking through a website called barewalls.com. A site where you can find all sorts of different paintings or magazine covers. I recently began reading a book by Henri Nouwen titled The Return of the Prodigal Son that stems from a fascination he had with Rembrandt's masterpiece named the same as the book. I am only a few chapters in, but Nouwen shares the lessons he personally learned as he pursued the truths within this story that is so small considering the breadth of the Bible.

My time on barewalls.com though was not entirely spent on that masterpiece though. I decided to find other works by Rembrandt because I am finding his work intriguing. Intriguing is almost too light of a word. As I saw the different works, I was drawn in. Many of them were tied to scripture, to Jesus and his death, but the one I was fascinated by, was the one below. I saw names of Abraham's Sacrifice, Abraham and Isaac, and the Sacrifice of Isaac. I still don't know what it is officially called.

Many thoughts came to my mind as I got lost in this image. I am not sure exactly how much time passed, 20 minutes perhaps, but I could not draw myself away.

Here is what I wrote a friend shortly after discovering this work, "the angel of God pulling back Abraham's hand that was yielding the unsheathed knife while the other exposed the neck of the one who could bear the promise that God had given him. That obedience, that faith, it just stirs something inside of me that I cannot take my eyes away from."

I have thought about this painting more and more over the last few days. I hope someday to own a copy, and to study it and meditate on what God is truly teaching us here. It is more than just obedience and faith, because those are only surface words to describe Abraham's actions here. There is Isaac as well, and the love his father has for him. The pain that must have been felt as he unsheathed his knife indicated by the way that Abraham held his son's face so that there is no eye contact possible.

He was going to do it. He was going to offer his son as a sacrifice to his Creator. The trajectory of the knife's path as it is falling in comparison to the position of his hand shows that he was in motion. This painting makes it seem that he was in the act of sacrificing his son.

No, obedience and faith are too light of words for what this is...but I cannot choose the correct ones either...

And then there is this simple question...what should my response be in light of this truth?

grandparents

2012-01-27T23:10:00.003-05:00

A weird week for my grandparents this week...my Grandpa Harvey moved into an assisted living complex because his Alzheimer has increased to the point that my Grandma can no longer care for him by herself...and today on the way to the salon my Grandma Peoples had a fall that is leaving her with almost 300 stitches in her scalp due to an 8" gash about 1" deep.

Watching the way their children and grandchildren (my parents, aunts, uncles, siblings, and cousins) have responded reminds me no only how much we need each other but also how people will respond when our needs are made known to them.

I want this to be a lesson that I take and learn from. I want to build deeper relationships with my family so that we can support each other better. I want to have friends that can lean on me just as I can lean on them. I desire community in my life. And not just for me, but for you, my friends, as well as my children and your children.

Do you want this too? If so, lets build this together.

What to write...

2012-01-23T19:02:00.001-05:00

I feel that I need to write something, anything, just to keep some momentum with my blog, with my openness. I just don't know what to write. I actually feel a little numb.

Until right now. Literally right now, so bear with me as I process these emotions. I am on my way to Chicago for the first time since last June when all 5 of us went together. Not just landing in O'hare like I did in November but an actual visit to the city. The AHR Expo is in town (a big heating nerd convention and well, I am a heating nerd) so a few of us are making a trip down.

I was reminded by a friend recently that the first are always the hardest. First holidays, birthdays, and other special events. I thought getting past Liam's birthday, Christmas and New Years meant I was going to be able to slide until Valentines day and then Ryan's birthday. I thought I had a couple weeks.

Seeing the sign for a restaurant across from Wrigley did it though. It touched a place in my heart that I have not been allowing myself to venture into. Kim and I would frequent this city and it has a special place in my heart because of those many memories.

My "work" today will keep my mind occupied as I walk around viewing and learning about all sorts of products and whatnot so I will be able to escape this a bit today. The truth is though there is only so much escaping I can do and only so much I should do, if I want to be healthy (emotionally available to others and able to love) that is.

The path to healing lies within these moments, within these firsts, as I abide in Gods grace and mercy.

He has brought me far already and I look forward to the day to be able to look back on this part of the journey knowing that it was through this deepest darkest valley that I learned to feel his presence more closely and listen to his gentle voice, to cast off my own desires (which is so difficult at times) and to fully trust him and his ways.

just a bit of where i am at

2012-01-18T18:26:00.001-05:00

A piece of my testimony is that through all this I havelearned to admit that I am broken. As I spenttime evaluating who I am and the things I do, all while trying to save mymarriage, I realized I needed help and that is what drove me to Seattle with DrHawkins. I wanted a course of action totake and the result of those actions to be the outcome I wanted. It was there that I left with an understanding of who I was, why I was that way, and with an idea of whoI could be instead of a course of action. I also left with a freedomto fail.

I am still learning how deep my brokenness is within me, andam starting with a counselor here in Muskegon to help sortmore of me out.

So when I use a word like intimidated to describe myself, it is part of my brokennessthat draws that out. Even though Igained a freedom to fail in my counseling intensive, it is a freedom I onlyallow myself in certain parts of my life. I judge myself constantly, and many times act within those judgingthoughts because I am fearful of what people will think of me. It is as if I was trying to augment theperson known as Rob Peoples with my actions instead of my physical appearance. I look at myself and see a person who hasfailed in his marriage, is often late to work, doesn’t spend enough time alonewith his boys, has no degree, and on and on and then compare it to people who are successful like my "neighbors" in North Muskegon and such. Even then, there are people in my life who don’t haveworldly successes but have a close family, whom they love and cherish andcompare it to the brokenness I have, not just quirkiness and other character flaws, but something that I can only describe as disunity. It is almost if we were not blood relatives that we would not talk to each other.

The ways I am broken is why finding my identity in Christ isso important and my largest struggle is to lay down my perceptions of how thingsshould be.

God means all this for good though, and I believe that as Iembrace and learn from this brokenness, and work through these hurts, not justthe ones created by Kim’s absence in my life, that the joy and ministry thatwill happen on the other side of this is going to be awesome. I have to remember that a masterpiece is notmade in one stroke of a paint brush and that each stroke is made withprecision and that a masterpiece is what God is making with me.

(there are so many people that have prayed, helped, encouraged, and listened as i am working through thoughts similar to these that i feel ashamed to admit I still struggle. there is a great hope that i have in the promises of God and i know there are days coming, and coming soon, where we will be able to look back and continually praise the Giver of life for what he has brought from "all of this" please continue by me.)

A summer day

2012-01-11T22:06:00.001-05:00

Today was a unique gift. This winter season has been a gift but today was very special. On my lunch and amid frustration I drove to Pere Marquette. There was a summer such a long time ago I would go to that beach, I would walk the pier and I would talk to God, even just sit in the lake and let the waves pour over me as I waited for him to reply. My struggle then was God what is next. Can I, should I really go to Oakland, what about leaving my friends, what about leaving Kim, what about leaving all the things I am doing and could be doing at OVCC. Do you really want me to give all these things up?

Today as I walked the pier the sun was painted in the sky just like a summer day. The pending threat of the coming winter was silently speaking to me by the ever present chill that reminded me this day was special, unique.

I was there for the same purpose as those summer days though. I wanted to meet with God. I wanted to hear from him and calm my heart about what is next. Just like those summer days I cried over what I am leaving behind on this next stage of my journey. The life I envisioned is gone. The woman I love is gone. I am entering this next stage with massive wounds that need to be tended to and a great fear that I will be abandoned again by other people. I want to be needed by somebody, to be important to somebody, to be cared for by somebody. I want to be accepted for who I am even when I screw up.

My needs are still present and my wounds are still fresh, but God is calming my soul. He is reminding me that there is nothing I can do to make him love me any less, that the height and depth and breadth and length of his love is so immeasurable. He won't leave me wounded and is promising to heal my broken heart. He is promising and abundant life, filled with joy and strength in my inner being.

I don't know what location this journey will take me to, there isn't a set destination like Oakland, California but I am ready to continue just as I was in those summer days of long ago and to find out just what exactly he has in store.

thankful

2012-01-10T17:36:00.001-05:00

i am thankful for my friends.

old friends and new friends

single friends and married friends

friends with a work relationship and friends with a church connection

male friends and female friends

there are a lot of you.

there are many reasons why i am thankful for my friends, but today i am most thankful for my friends because they offer me perspective. they help me see the forest through the trees. they challenge my natural thought patterns. they have my best interest in mind.

i am needy, but you look after me when i am not able. i am wounded, and you cry with me and point me to the doctor. i have been transparent, and you have chosen to not walk away.

i am glad that you have chosen to call me friend

mark driscoll and henri nouwen

2012-01-08T20:26:00.001-05:00

I seem to be filling my life with a lot of things these days. You could say that I am trying on different shoes until I find the perfect pair for me. In some ways I am trying to find myself...what do I like and prefer...what haven't I done that I would really like to do...what do I do that I really don't like. Sometimes these answers are scary because it means taking a risk that I have not been ok with taking before. Many times I am still unwilling to take the risk, even with something as simple as saying words that could be encouraging to another just because I am fearful it could be rejected or change the relationship in a negative way.

I have found at least 2 pairs of shoes that fit perfectly though. Sermons from mark Driscoll and books by Henri nouwen. The holy spirit uses their words to convict me, to help me see my sin problems in a different light. They are not the only tools that god is using in my life to help shape me but they are my favorite ones right now.

Tired of death

2012-01-08T00:00:00.001-05:00

Yesterday I was faced with death as I attended the funeral for the 26 year old son of a close customer. I had met him once or twice but I was really going for his parents. I work with them often enough for them to know my work performance this summer was greatly affected by Kim's leaving. Shari had even spoken encouraging words to me now and then. I wanted to be there for them at this time that would be their greatest loss since I began to know them.

I am tired of death though. I am tired of the enemy. I am tired of brokenness and I am tired of the wounds we are left with.

Perhaps that is why Hebrews 5:8 spoke to me the way it did today.

Son though he was, he learned obedience from what he suffered (Hebrews 5:8 NIV)

The death and brokenness we experience in our lives, the pain and the wounds that sometime never seem to go away...these things are all meant to shape us, just like they shaped and taught Jesus. Perhaps the question we should be asking instead of why is this happening is what should I be learning here or maybe even what is God trying to teach me

I hope in your time of solitude that you ask those questions, even though they are much harder questions to get answers for because the response God gives often requires a response in our part...often an act of obedience.

Nothing, you see, is impossible with God." (Luke 1:37 MSG).

What is next

2012-01-06T18:36:00.001-05:00

I find myself asking that today. What's next. Kim is resolved to not come back. Her counselor seems to not want to participate in healing our marriage. I am guarding my heart from Kim so that I do not have any more emotional meltdowns. So that I am not wounded any deeper and can begin to heal from what has happened. Henri Nouwen's writings are helping my head know what to do with my heart. Turn my mourning into dancing is only 110 pages but the truths Henri shares were so piercing to my heart that it took me over a month to read the book. It is not hard reading just deep and piercing. I love it. It is shaking my presuppositions but leaving me with a greater faith and foundation.

So what is next...more books...more shaping...more healing...more preparing for the journey ahead.

today

2012-01-05T08:58:00.000-05:00

today is a weird day...will be a weird day i should say. i am working in our grand rapids office to avoid a lot of drive time during the work day. i am going with kim to one of her counseling appointments. maybe this is the first of many yet to come or maybe this is the one and only.

i do not know what to think, what to say, how to feel, whether i should be skeptical or excited.

and another weird aspect is that with every day that passes, this feels more normal. i do not want divorce, but i do not want kim to come back in the way that she is either. i want her to desire to pursue God. perhaps that is part of the beauty of it...because really the only way she is going to come back is if she does begin to pursue God, his love, his healing...

ill be back later today

looking back from then to now

2011-12-19T00:21:00.000-05:00

Right now, when I look back on the last 6 months, I see thatI have been brought quite a distance from where I was. I have gone from being a man caught up inprotecting himself and his interest, complete with the self-righteousness I hadearned in my view of religious matters (all the things I wasn’t doing) tobecoming a man who is willing to give up control of how the future unfolds andfollow his creator on a great adventure. I have gone from being a man who used people to help get the outcome Iwanted and starting to become a man who is celebrating people for who they are,not for what they can do for me. I havegone from being a man who would cower away from a challenge because of thepossibility I may be hurt and as a result show that I am fallible and ambecoming a man who knows he is broken and wounded but is confident I cancontinue moving forward because God is leading the way.

I have encountered God and I am experiencing his grace andforgiveness. I am beginning tounderstand the depth of his love. I ambeginning to understand who he created us to be. I am beginning to understand that theredemption that he gives, the eternal life that he promises, is not justsomething that we experience when we leave this world but rather that hedesires every bit of our lives to be just like the perfection of the garden.

I have begun to take on a new identity as well. The lies of the Enemy spoke to me and thewounds that he created in me, even from a very young age, shaped me intosomething that was different than what God had in mind for me. I was full of pride and arrogance. I was right and I was going to let you knowit. I was, to say the least, anass. There were so many parts of mypersona that I created that were in place only to protect me from being hurt byother people. For example, I had to havethe right answer so that people would accept me, so that people would needme. I need to be needed. When I saw myself through the shame that Icreated, through the lies of Satan that I believed, I needed to protect myself. If people only knew the truth about me…Godsent me to Seattle and I was believing that it was to learn something to savemy marriage, perhaps even something magical, but in reality, Dr Hawkins and MrKnopf (my counselors) helped me face who I was, why I was that way, and showedme that I could be somebody different.

These last 7 weeks since I have returned from Seattle havebeen spent in solitude, reflection, and evaluation. I have been processing my hurts and havebegun to move forward…but only because of a greater search, my identityaccording to God. God has been strippingaway the lies that I have believed and begun to replace them with histruths. It is part of the reason, if notthe major reason, why being in the scriptures is so important, so that ourminds can be filled with his truths instead of the lies from ourselves, theworld, and from the enemy. It is when Ifind myself with him, in his love, do I begin to see the bigger picture for mylife, and only then that I can begin to forgive the people that have woundedme.

Perhaps some of you knew from the moment you first heardabout this dilemma that Kim and I find ourselves in that this was about so muchmore than just our marriage. Thisjourney is about our marriage, but also about us specifically as parents, andcoworkers, as neighbors, as friends, as children of the living God, about oureternity and future ministry.

This season has come for the purpose of getting us ready forthe adventure that lies ahead, a journey that is full of life, and grace, andjoy. This season is not over, thepainful truth is evident, but the expectation of what is to come eases thisaching inside me.

I am afraid

2011-12-18T01:21:00.001-05:00

How many times have I failed you lord? How many times have I failed to give you control out of fear that I will be hurt again. I try to protect myself instead of remaining vulnerable, instead of risking what may happen.

You tell me that you have plans for me, works for me to do, and an abundant joyful life to live. You tell me that I am made in your image, fearfully and wonderfully made.

But yet I fear losing what I desire the most. I have an idea on what Jarius must have felt like when he was told his child was dead and that he should leave Jesus alone.

Mark 5:36 is awesome though because it says, ignoring what they said, Jesus says do not be afraid, just believe.

This man was just told one of the most horrific things he could be told, your child is dead, and Jesus ignores it. With good reason though...he knew the power available to take what is dead and bring it to life again.

Jesus words reach out to me as well...despite whatever looks to be apparent please help me to see you father and to not not be afraid and rather to just believe.

what i am fighting for

2011-12-17T17:20:00.001-05:00

this morning, i was reminded what i am fighting for. not what, who rather...and maybe a little bit of what.

noah was sick yesterday with flu like symptoms and had to be picked up from school. by the end of the work day, i too was having flu like symptoms. long story short, noah spent the night with me and kim was going to pick him up this morning.

it was in that time i was reminded who i am fighting for. instead of fighting about schedules or running from pains that are too difficult to face, kim reached out to me in my need, and in doing so gave me a little piece of her heart.

and when she did that, she exposed me to the beauty that lives inside her, waiting to be revealed.

it is that beauty i am fighting to bring out. it is her that i am fighting for.

father god i ask for strength and wisdom in this fight. please help me fight for your daughter.

Back in the bedroom

2011-12-04T20:21:00.001-05:00

Last night, for the first night since August 28th, I slept in our bedroom.

When Kim left, I gave her our bedroom set to take with her, leaving me with our couch to rest my body. It can probably be said that was stupid, I am still not sure. I know I want her to come home, and if one day she looks back and sees the sacrifice I made for her, then it will be well worth it and not stupid.

That is just to say I did not have a bed for this time. I could have prioritized the purchase of a box spring and mattress to go with a frame that is a family heirloom, and I still may for sentimental value, but I never did.

I was too scared...too scared to come back into this room...too scared to be alone...to scared to face the absence of my life as I knew it 6 months ago...to scared to face my failures as a husband.

I am left dumbfounded when I think how much I have let fear rule my life. Fear that I wouldn't be accepted, fear that I would be found a fraud, fear that I would be alone...and those are just the ones that I can admit.

Satan lied to me and I bought it. I had been hurt before, wounded deeply, and so I believed the lies...

The truth is being made known though and those fears are being exposed as lies.

As many fears and lies I have found so far, I am trying to replace them with God's truth.

I was ready to face the pain and lies that were held within my mind's eye of this room and so I called my stepmom who had offered one of their spare beds to me to accept the offer. Within hours I had a new bed here and setup, not even one of their spares.

Somebody asked me if I was finally starting to move on...no, I have decided to face this pain. I am not embracing it and will not hid from it any longer, it is time to walk through it and to learn from it.

It is time to expose these fears as what they are...lies from the deceiver that is looking, searching, for those he can devour. I may be wounded, but you may not have me nor my wife or children. God is for us...your weapons will not prosper.

a certain pain

2011-11-28T01:06:00.001-05:00

There is a certain pain in my heart. Pains actually. There are pieces of my childhood I would rather much forget. Pieces that I have done so much to forget in every way possible.

There are wounds that run so deep in the core of my heart that they have shaped who I have become.

...and God has stripped me of all my coping methods in order to expose my deepest wounds. He wants me to face them so he can heal me from them. It is almost like he is taking his finger and pressing into these wounds to remind me they are there, just so I cannot claim ignorance any longer.

I still don't want to face them, but in order to have my heart I must. I don't want this pain but in order to be rid of it and be the man I was created to be I must endure this.

The man I was created to be...the husband who recklessly loves...the father who encourages and trains...the friend filled with care and compassion...all of this and more is on the line.

The stakes are high in this battle. Lord, please make me strong and courageous.

Finding the me you always saw

2011-11-27T21:11:00.001-05:00

Kim, tonight when I told you thank you I meant it. This troublesome spot we are in is not what I want at all. I want you here by my side, today and forevermore. In this time though, as I have been trying to find a way to save our marriage, I have begun to find myself. That is where my gratitude lies. This pain filled journey broke the facade I had created and as a result I don't have to be the same man I really wasn't. I get to find that man you always saw and hoped would come out now and nobody will look down on me for searching.

I am finding that I have so much to learn, so much to heal from, so much to experience, so much to offer...and I believe this is just the tip of the iceberg!

But Kim, I am lonely without you. You are my life companion, my soul mate. We have been through so much already. I believe that just as our Creator has always had these things I am finding in store for me (and I was blinded too) that he has similar things and plans in store for you. I hope and pray that we get to experience these things, these plans he has for us, together.

Until that day comes, I will press on in this journey, hoping that when you see me again that I will be found one step closer to the me you always saw.

dreaming of a day

2011-11-26T21:32:00.001-05:00

I am dreaming of a day where I live completely for the glory that God is due. I dream of helping other men awaken from their slumber that was caused by the world's lullaby. I dream that my family and friends, known and yet to come, will join together to take back the ground that we have allowed Satan to build strongholds on. I dream of loving Kim until death parts us and to see the same with these men and their brides. I dream of our children being blessed because of our faithfulness to You. The time is drawing near for these dreams, and many others like them to become reality. God please show me the next step. Guide me, us, in this battle please for without your life giving power we are doomed.
The battle is near, you are at hand Lord Jesus. Your victory and glory will be known for generations.
Lord God please prepare us for this battle before us.

too focused perhaps

2011-11-26T11:54:00.001-05:00

Hebrews 12:2-3 MSG

Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we're in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed-that exhilarating finish in and with God-he could put up with anything along the way: cross, shame, whatever. And now he's there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls!

I have a lot of pain. Kim has a lot of pain. Our helpless boys have a lot of pain. We perhaps are too focused on our pains. I know I have been, look at my last post and you will see the hurt and frustration dripping from it.

It is still here too, the pain, just because I allow frustration to take over from time to time and become the me that I don't want to be in attempt to protect myself in the future doesn't mean the pain goes away.

Jesus is the example of what I am supposed to be as a husband and this brief description from Hebrews 12 reminds me that he sacrificially took blow after blow.

I know I don't have the answers but the last part gives perspective. Perspective of who I am. Perspective that should bring remembrance of the grace and mercy bestowed to me, that should be flowing to others as well, especially my beloved.

Disallowing perspective that brings humility is allowing a place for pride and selfishness to grow...and I have given the enemy a stronghold there. God please break apart that stronghold with the mighty flood of Jesus blood.

I don't think one can be too focused, but I believe it is easy to be focused on the wrong thing.

raw turkey

2011-11-24T12:27:00.001-05:00

AAAHHHHHHHHHHH

I am not really sure where the A should stop and the H should start, but i hope you get the message.

I am sitting here, at work, alone feeling like a raw turkey while Kim is with the boys and "people she loves." Hearing those words stabbed my heart and writing them is bringing a vomit filled migraine if i don't get it under control or release these emotions because I am not one of the people there.

I have had enough of this. I am trying to love Kim even though she has begun to create a new life and does not want me to love her. It seems like she is trying to get me to give her reasons at every turn to justify her decisions.

We just need to learn to co-parent she says. I agree, but my method would be a little different...ya know, like deal with our personal issues that have haunted us for our entire lives, learn to feel real emotions, and work like crazy to love and respect the other.

We will be giving our boys a legacy of divorce and pain. I know you don't really want to do that Kim.

You didn't intentionally lie to me when you said for better or worse, I know you believed it but yet you are walking away because it is easier than to deal with your past. Kim, why don't you see this is our worse. Our better (and best) is yet to come if we fight this out.

We can fight this out, instead of fighting each other, and our entire lives will be better because of it. Parenting will be more fulfilling, our jobs will be more rewarding, volunteering will bring happiness, our relationship with God will be filled with peace, joy, and contentment.

Divorce will bring us painful things like shame, guilt, and regret.

Kim please just stop for a minute and see that we can do this. Stop and see that you are just running from the pain inside you. Stop and see that I am here to help you through this. Please Kim, stop and see. Please.

what good would it do

2011-11-23T18:06:00.001-05:00

On November 5th, while walking the shoreline of Pugent Sound, it was apparent to me that enough was enough. The fear of my shame had destroyed too much of my life. The pain I felt inside could no longer intimidate me. I decided in those moments there, that I am allowed to be wrong. I decided on that shoreline the lies I believed no longer had any bearing in my life. The persona I created could not fly back to Muskegon with me, it had to die.

This is my ebenezer. The memorial of my shame and failures.

Jesus asked, "What good would it do to get everything you want and lose you, the real you?"

I am finding that answer.

I am finding that the real me, the me that God intended, is worth so much more than the perception I created.

I will fail again, I am sure of it, but today, and because of God's grace to me, I have a new found freedom to fail because of the confidence I am gaining in Him and because of Him.

a reflection

2011-11-22T18:29:00.001-05:00

god created me special. he timed everything out the be perfect for his plan of my life. i often like to think that i know what i am doing when in all reality i have no clue. take being a husband for example. no clue. my wife needs me to be romantic. really no clue. i am about as emotionally level as they come (most of the time) and so this is hard for me to do. i have to be super intentional about my words and actions so that i don't ruin whatever slight bit of romance that i have created. i love my wife and would give up anything up for her. she makes the dark days sparkle when she kisses my lips.

but i needlessly worry that i dont convey my love to her. i allow myself to become intimidated by my lack of knowledge and abilities.

I wrote this such a long time ago, somewhere in 2005, my world was completely different, and i didn't know any better.

oddly enough, i was vulnerable in this moment. i was truly sharing a small piece of my heart with you. i bravely admitted here that i had no clue. the problem is that i did not let these words that i said shape my curiosity at all. i should have asked why do i think i know it all, do i portray that to the world, and if i do, how do i portray it. am i being like Christ in this?

when i said i was as emotionally level as they come why did i not ask myself, is there a reason that i became this way, don't i want to feel emotions. when did i stop dreaming about things. why were the words so hard to come by.

the next line, i needlessly worry that i don't convey my love to her is a sword into my heart. i bought into a lie. i thought she knew how i feel back then. i thought i was working so hard to let her know that i didn't have to ask her if she felt loved. we spent time together, so i thought we were ok.

I WAS WRONG

Kim, I am sorry I bought into this lie. I am sorry I left you unloved. Please believe this in your heart.

When I was in Seattle, with Dr Hawkins and Chuck Knopf, I learned why I didn't ask these questions back then.

The answer is simple, I didn't want to feel the pain of the truth. I created an environment where I did not have to. I created my own reality in which I was king. I created a persona that had no room for me to be wrong, and that everybody had to appreciate me when I was right. I spoke words just to be heard by others, and because I thought I was right, my words needed action by others.

All this so I did not have to hurt, that I did not have to feel shame, that I did not have to feel weakness.

Henri Nouwen wrote this truth in "Out of Solitude":

But underneath all our emphasis on successful action, many of us suffer from a deep-seated, low self-esteem and are walking around with the constant fear that somebody will unmask the illusion and show that we are not as smart, as good, or as lovable as the world was made to believe. Once in a while someone will confess in an intimate moment, "Everyone thinks I am very quiet and composed, but if only they knew how I really feel...." This nagging self-doubt is at the basis of so much depression in the lives of many people who are struggling in our competitive society. Moreover, this corroding fear for the discovery of our weaknesses prevents community and creative sharing. When we have sold our identity to the judges of this world, we are bound to become restless, because of a growing need for affirmation and praise. Indeed we are tempted to become low-hearted because of a constant self-rejection. And we are in serious danger of becoming isolated, since friendship and love are impossible without a mutual vulnerability.

I really wanted to add some emphasis in there, but there is so much truth I didn't want you to miss it because of something that means more to me this moment.

The truth comes down to this. Kim and I stopped being truly vulnerable with each other despite our great need for love from the other person because we were afraid the other would stop loving us. We were afraid the other would stop loving us because we were both hurting so much on the inside....

Kim, I am here now, with my heart waiting to be laid bare to you. I am here for you.

i know you

2011-11-21T10:09:00.001-05:00

Thereis plenty for us to talk about, but I know you are hurting and not seeingthings as the Kim that exists beneath the pain would so my words will bemeaningless to you.

I know who you arein the depths of your heart. I don’thave to ask questions of why because I already have the answer.

I long for the day your pains are lessened sothat your true self will show again because that is where you beauty lies. It is where your compassion and kindness flowfrom. It is your inviting smile thatradiates not only from your lips but your eyes as well and lights up the darkplaces of the lives you touch. It iswhere you are a mother that cares for her children above herself and leaves noquestion in their mind if they are loved.

I know you the way nobody else does and your pain has lied to you, deceivedyou into believing something that is not the truth.

I am not pursuing your heart because of mydesires, I do not desire pain and suffering, but because the world is a betterplace with the Kim I know that exists beneath the hurts and the Kim that shehoped she would be.

I hurt for youbecause I know you. I ache for youbecause I see the true you still dying on the inside.

Kim, I want the absolute best for you. I know there is healing for you. Will you please let me help show you theway? Will you please trust me enough toknow that I am not going to hurt you but that I desire you to be full andcomplete, that I want your life filled with abundance?

a few of my desires

2011-11-10T18:20:00.001-05:00

words written in the september sun that mean more with each passing day:

i want to hear your dreams so that i can dream with you.

i want to know what you are thinking so that you know you are not alone.

i want you to share your heart with me so that your burdens don't weigh you down.

i want to embrace you and not let you go so that you will be protected.

i want to hold your hand so that i can lead you where God is calling us to go.

I want to make you smile so that your beauty is poured out for everybody to see.

eyes that see

2011-10-31T23:59:00.000-04:00

I have been listening to "When Fish Fly" audio book recently. I first listened to this book early in June was taken back by some of the lessons I was able to glean at that time.

I let the book sit for a long time, but with my trip to Seattle drawing near (I leave after work on Tuesday) I was getting excited about seeing these fish actually fly during my visit, so excited that I had to listen to this book again.

These recent times though, the book has been kicking me in the butt. My life is different today, and the words of this book, words like vision, being, intentions, are speaking to me.

What I have been learning through this book and other things is this:

The vision we have creates our beliefs, the beliefs we have create who we are, who we are dictates our actions in all circumstances.

This is hard for me to fully grasp at this moment, but I feel like I am beginning to.

Maybe I am all wet with this, but this is the reason why it is so important for us to find our identity in Christ and to set our minds on things in Heaven, not on earthly things.

When we remember what God has done for us, and what God has given us, it changes who we are. When we are a changed person because of this, it changes our actions.

More thoughts on this to come...

for you

2011-10-27T09:55:00.000-04:00

Iwant to fix all your problems. I do not want you to hurt, ever. Iwant to control the circumstances around you to give you a safeenvironment. I want you to have all you think you need and want to makeyou happy. And I don’t want to fail in this. I can’t let myselffail in this, so I hold onto everything I can in order to manipulate it and getthe outcome that I want to see…

Butyet I have failed mightly because I have not given you a place to struggle andgrow and become who God has always intended for you to be.

Andeven in my best wisdom, I would never be able to help you become what Goddesires for you. I am not the one that promised to give you hope and afuture. (Jeremiah 29:11). I am not the one that can move mountainswithout their knowing it (Job 9:5). I am not the one that can speak tothe sun and make it not shine (Job 9:7). I am not the one that made theconstellations (Job 9:9). Nobody says about me that I perform wondersthat cannot be fathomed and miracles that cannot be counted (Job9:10). Nobody seriously says, if Rob is for us, who can be against us (Romans 8:31).

Overthe last 11 years I should have been there to struggle with you and I shouldhave done much less controlling of things that I actually had no businesstrying to control…and I will still screw up in this I am sure…

Iam here today to struggle with you though…I am here today to help bring youcloser to our creator…I am here today to love you.

changes

2011-10-27T09:09:00.003-04:00

There are changes that need to happen in my life that arespiritual. God has called me to so muchmore than what I have been. Piece bypiece, I am learning these things. Bitby bit I change, giving Him more control of my life. Just like Driscol said after describing therole of a husband, who the hell do I think I am to treat God’s daughter otherthan how God says. But it is not justhow I am as a husband; this is about listening to God, doing what God says, andrepenting when I don’t.

There are changes that need to happen in my lifeemotionally. Dr Hawkins is going to behelping me with this, helping me learn how to respond out of the person that Iactually am, instead of the person that I have created to protect me.

There are changes that need to happen in my lifephysically. I have a glucoseintolerance, meaning I need to change my diet and I need to exercise more. I need to lose weight. I have been making some changes, but I havenot committed myself to doing this as Dr Ant has said. I have little excuse, and perhaps not anygood excuse, as to why I have not made these changes yet.

There are changes that need to happen with my finances. I need to get caught up on bills. I need to save. I need to pay tribute to God. I need to invest. I need to buy clothes that fit me. I need to get a bed and dressers. I need to learn to cook and make time to cookso that we do not need to eat out for meals. I need to get a lawyer.

There are changes hat need to happen in so many other ways as well. Changes that I cannot begin to understand or digest just quite yet, but changes none the less.

dreamers

2011-10-21T18:27:00.005-04:00

11 years ago we were dreamers in love. We joined the other on a journey ofhappiness, dreaming of a house to make a home, a family to raise and nurture,and the days far away when we became old with each other.

It was us against the world.

Somehow we stopped dreaming and striving for what we wantedin the beginning. We became comfortable andtried to make it through life…but we started traveling alone instead, lookingfor a way out of our pasts, out of our misery and pain.

The world is too much alone.

The dream is there for us still, waiting for our return tobeing dreamers in love. I see a pathback to the place where we can dream.

Can you trust me enough to come with me?

no celebration

2011-10-21T18:26:00.003-04:00

there is no celebration in me today...only brokeness...i miss her...

i miss her smile

i miss the way she sleeps while i drive

i miss her seeing into me and past my masks

i miss the toothpaste cap not being on all the way

i miss the toilet paper being pulled in the wrong direction

i miss the curling iron being left by the sink

i miss everything about her

god please restore us quickly, there are so many memories that we have left to make together...

to seattle i go

2011-10-19T13:39:00.002-04:00

i am scared to go to this intensive, afraid that i am so far from the person that i should be that there is no way out. i am scared i am wasting my money.

i am trying to embrace the changes i need to make though, because i have only left pain in the lives of those around me. i will embrace these changes.

i need to learn to feel.

beauty will rise

2011-09-23T19:18:00.001-04:00

a favored music artist of mine, steven curtis chapman, suffered a tragic loss several years ago. out of his suffering he wrote an album entitled beauty will rise. in that album there is a song with that same title, a song that god has been using to speak to my heart...to lift me up...to remind me of his promise.

slowly panic turns to pain

as we awake to what remains

and sift through the ashes that are left behind

but buried deep beneath

all our broken dreams

we have this hope

out of these ashes, beauty will rise

as i sit here looking at everything that isnt, like a home that has been burnt to the ground, and begin to pick up the pieces of my life and learn to live without kim, as i mourn the future that i thought we had together, in love at an old age, i have the promise of god that he will make something beautiful of my life.

i do not know what this beauty will entail, i do not know how soon it will show itself to be but i do know a couple things.

i know that god is faithful and always gives what he promises

more importantly though, i know that if god considers what is to become of my life and the life of my boys something beautiful, then by all means, i should consider it the same. how dare i think i know better than the creator of this universe and the giver of life.

it hurts to be here, it hurts like hell, but at the same time, i am glad to be here because it means i am on the path of becoming something beautiful

picking up the pieces

2011-09-22T20:36:00.004-04:00

i have to start picking up the pieces of my life. i have waited in limbo for a month, hoping that this is all just a nightmare.

but it is not.

i have lost the one person that i care about more than anything else in the world. anything else

my hope is not gone though, because my hope is founded in something greater than her or i.

today though, i have to learn to live without her. i have to fulfill my responsibilities without her. i have to be a dad but i also have to be a mom. i have to pay my bills. i have to set my own schedule. i have to cook meals. i have to clean. i have to do laundry.

the challenge is in front of me, like it or not, but i will face this challenge head on, and i will conquer it.

i am becoming the leader of my house that i should have always been, and filling these roles is just a small part of it.

168 days

2011-09-20T06:00:00.004-04:00

march 6th

one week after ryan's 8th birthday

a few days after the party that was supposed to be the most awesome for him yet

less than 200 hours after he blows the candles out his mother and i will gift him something that will scar him deeper than what has happened so far

he will officially be the child of a divorced couple...and he will have to carry that with him for the rest of his life.

but his story will not end there...in each of these 168 days before, and every day after, i will teach him to be the man that i have not yet been so far in my life.

boys, this is more than a promise that i am giving you...i will live my life as god desires me to and i will teach you how to do the same...i will help you become men.

i am such a nerd

2011-09-19T22:18:00.003-04:00

in one of the books i am reading...i am reading a lot more these days by the way...it says responsible men are like christ, who did not let his mother, disciples, or others determine his thoughts, attitudes, or actions. he was completely plugged into the father, the holy spirit, and the word of god. that's why he was able to be more like a thermostat, affecting his circumstances, rather than like a thermometer, merely reacting to his surroundings....

this paragraph speaks to me so deeply...jesus was a thermostat not a thermometer...

the reason that this speaks so deeply is because i understand what a thermostat does. i know there are wires that run to an equipment interface board (wiring hub) or directly to some equipment itself. i know this thermostat controls what the equipment does because it reads the temperature surrounding it, has a program, and then uses the knowledge that it has and the information that it has gathered to make a decision...a decision to tell the furnace to fire or not...a decision to change the temperature in the surrounding area or not...and a thermostat always acts appropriately...

jesus, please make me a thermostat...

from the mouth of babes

2011-09-18T17:35:00.002-04:00

while cleaning their room in the last 10 minutes i have heard the boys singing:

i do, i do, i do believe in you

oh, happy day, happy day. you took my sins away

god you are faithful, god you are faithful, god you are faithful

thank you jesus for these moments. i pray for many, many more like them.

a closed spirit

2011-09-18T07:42:00.002-04:00

i wounded her enough over our marriage in the little things that she closed her spirit to me. it was a raised voice here, a harsh word there, no encouragement while she struggled, and not valuing her opinion...among so many other things.

i acted in a way that had no repentance of my sins. i did not ask for forgiveness. everything kept building up on each other.

she had to close her spirit to protect herself.

today, i am at the same point...but only if i choose to be...in all situations we have the choice to lead our hearts or to follow them...my choice today is to love kim with all i am and allow myself to be in a spot that i may be hurt again or to act in a way protect myself from her actions and any further pain...

phillipians 2:7,8 says but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. and being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.

it is possible that i am reading this wrongly, but what i am reading is that jesus took pain after pain for us, all the way to the point of his death...those pains were unneeded pains to him, because he was perfect, and he is god...he did these things as an expression of his unconditional love for us.

i could close my spirit to kim, and i could protect myself from any pain that could be caused by the rejection that is to come if i put myself out there...but how would that be loving her unconditionally...i would be saying, kim, i will love you as long as you do not carry on in your pursuit of your own happiness instead of what god has for you...

jesus has not stopped loving kim despite the choices that she is making. i committed to her that i would love her for better or for worse, essentially that i would love her unconditionally. today, i can choose to have integrity and choose to stand up to my commitment. today, i can choose to love her as i said i would.

and that is my choice...to love. i will lead my heart and not close my spirit to her. this day, and every day to follow, i will choose to love.

a different view

2011-09-17T20:21:00.002-04:00

god is faithful to his promises.

that is the view that i want to pursue.

i think ryan said it best 3 weeks ago, the night that i had to tell the boys that mama wasnt coming home and wasnt going to be living with all of us anymore...

3 hours after we started talking and after many tears had been shed and many questions were asked...i was laying in bed with the very somber boys...trying to answer more questions that noah had...

but ryan blessed my heart so much that i started to cry..."but daddy, don't say mama isn't coming home, because god has a special plan for each of us."

god's promises to me are plenty...and he is faithful...

set your minds on things above, not on earthly things colossians 3:2

is she really gone forever

2011-09-17T15:24:00.004-04:00

it has been nearly a month since kim filed for divorce. my world continues to be torn apart. the reality of this action is hitting everything...

i have nobody to come home to on certain days anymore. i have nobody to to tuck into bed some nights. i have nobody to sleep next to and cuddle with. i have nobody to share my heart with the way i shared it with her.

all i have is emptiness.

but yet somehow god is going to use all this for his purpose and his glory. he is shaping me right now into what he has always wanted me to be.

i still want to scream though.

so tired

2008-05-29T00:33:00.002-04:00

i am so tired right now. i am waiting for a search of all the secret places of my hard drive to finish and hopefully find the pictures of john and danielle's wedding that i accidentally wrote on top of today.

that would include the pictures of kim in the previous post.

thankfully i uploaded some of them to facebook a week ago and you can see them here: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2785&l=4996b&id=1089922510

only 13 more minutes now...

my wife is so hot

2008-05-17T22:03:00.000-04:00

how i feel today

2007-10-02T21:20:00.000-04:00

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life

another answer

2007-09-20T01:03:00.000-04:00

how in the world did rob just abandon us like that?

well, this one is a bit harder to answer. i dont think i really abandoned anyone, i like to think of it as a shift in my priorities.

for example, i decided it was more important to feed noah and ryan and to work to enable them to eat.

i have tried to support kim while she is in school

and of course i have been trying to win with all my fantasy teams.

i did not mean to be gone for so long, and then there was the change that blogspot made and i couldnt remember my login.

so, rest assured, i will post a little something for time to time.

easy answer first

2007-09-08T20:52:00.000-04:00

how in the world does rob expect us to read his blog after being go for so long -

well, like i said, this is an easy answer, i simply don't expect you to read my blog, at this point in time, on a regular basis. as a matter of fact, i have suggested to some of my family members to read my friends blog because they are all much cooler than me.

but, if you have check my blog while i have (spoiler alert for other answers) been working and trying to be a decent dad and husband while Kim has been in nursing school, then thank you. and if you have been checking while i have been working on dominating the fantasy sports leagues i am in, thanks for that too, but that is definitely not as nice sounding as the husband/dad bit.

next answer is coming soon.

how in the world

2007-09-04T01:50:00.000-04:00

here are some how in the world questions that you may be wondering about -

how in the world did rob just abandon us like that
how in the world does rob expect us to read his blog after being go for so long
how in the world has noah gotten so big
how in the world did rob remember that he started a blog
how in the world did rob remember his password
how in the world did albert einstein find the theory of relativity
how in the world did our worlds change so much since rob lasted blogged
how in the world did rob start another blog and not tell us

i will answer these one at a time, but not now.

wireless...finally

2006-05-29T12:57:00.000-04:00

we are now home. the immediate family rush is now over. time to get down to business, pictures of noah. now, i am not as cool as some of my friends, and on top of that i do not know how to create massive picture files. but what i can do is give you 5 of the best shots i've got. then in a couple days i will show you noah's first bath. it is video...

ok - so heeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's noah.

this was very shortly after he was born. thank you andrea for the hat...and for everything you did to help kim.

all that hard work makes a baby tired

funny story. not more than a minute after kim put this on him the bottle he had just eaten went all over it. it was just coincidence.

yes - that is a real smile from big brother ryan. he really loves his little brother (so far)

this one is my favorite.

welcome noah

2006-05-27T16:41:00.000-04:00

i was only a day off in my prediction that noah would be born on the 25th of may. we did go in on the 25th, but it was the 26th after all. noah was born at 7:42 am. he weighs 6lbs 9oz and is 18.5" long.

he is a real cutie too. if you don't believe me than come see him. i will get pictures onto this site as soon as i can figure out how to get past the novell security at the hospital.

one thing i learned this weekend

2006-05-22T00:02:00.000-04:00

i am going to be 27 in a few months. it is hard on me to not think of myself as a young person, but i have challenged that perception a bit this past week. today, i think you lose the right to be considered a young person when you have your first child. somebody depends on you then. their food comes from you, they depend on you to tell them right from wrong and when to go to bed.

i think this because i see being young as being a person that is carefree. somebody who is able to drop everything and run to chicago on a whim. you dont have to ever call in to work because your kid is sick and cant go to day care.

but all this is an unfinished thought for discussion some other time. what i sat down to write about was a conversation i had with my father in law this weekend.

we were driving to pick up some pizza from mancino's in fremont (good stuff, get some if you can) and talking about this and that. as we conversed, jack would say something and i started to think, yeah i know exactly what that is like. jack would say something else and i would think, wow, you struggle with that too.

now to understand why this is such a big deal to me is because i am somebody who likes to sit more at a computer while jack is someone who would rather be freezing his kiester off in the woods waiting for a chance to see a buck, let alone get a clean shot at it. jack is more of a man's man, where i am more of well, i am not so much of a man's man. jack can fix things. i can't. i hope you are starting to see some of the differences here, and why this is big to me.

what i learned will stick with me for a while. it will help me be a better person. we are all similar people. despite our background in life we are looking for the same things in life. there is a common ground for us to start on, it just depends if i want to care about other people and use what we have in common for the good of the kingdom.

by the way, noah should be here soon. i picked the 25th long ago and it is looking like i have a chance to be right.

things that would be fun

2006-04-30T13:33:00.000-04:00

between working too much, being with kim and ryan , and sleeping, i have compiled a small list of things that would be fun to do. here we go

own season tickets to a baseball team (preferably an mlb team like the a's, but even the whitecaps would be cool).

have a prom type party with all our current friends. tuxes and all (that way instead of renting a tux at $130 for my brother tom's 3rd wedding i could just buy one).

attend a huge sporting even like the nfl draft, or the world series or something like that.

be on a cruise or a week long vacation to somewhere sunny with my friends.

joining a bowling league (it runs in the family)

so those are just a few thing. anybody want to go with me?

clifford the big red dog

2006-04-01T23:15:00.001-05:00

i do not know which is harder to believe.

clifford the big red dog, who is the runt of his litter, being somewhere around 15' tall

or

emily elizibeth's parents giving up so much to allow their daughter to keep the enormous dog. they first sold their cozy home in the suburbs and moved to an island. they had to leave their jobs. they built clifford a pole building to live in. their is the cost of his food. and the worst part, there is all the dog poop.

maybe i am not making much sense to anybody else, and if not that is fine, but i really dont see all the sacrifices that emily elizibeth's parents make to allow clifford to live with them as something that is out of the norm. i am continually learning as a father, but i know that i adore ryan and want to see the best things for him. the sacrifices that the parents in clifford the big red dog are just an example of parents that love their child and want the best for her.

i only hope and pray that desicions that i make are the right ones for ryan, and soon for noah, and that i can lead them to be men full of character.

and if i cant do that i hope i can teach them to play soccer.

ryan's latest tricks

2006-03-29T23:46:00.000-05:00

it seems like every day ryan is coming up with some new trick that he is doing. here are some recent ones:

he made his own picks for march madness - and was tied for 5th place in the wilke wilke league, but paul deleted him becuase he was doing so well.

he counts to 11

he loves mr. scribs pizza, well i should say he loves the crust. he took all the toppings of the 3.5 pieces he ate

he tucks his bear, dog, and pooh doll in after he gets up in the morning

he likes the newer song 3r's by jack johnson. reduce reuse recycle. it is on the curious george soundtrack

he doesn't want to be inside at all and will stand by the door and ask to go out (continuously) even after we just finished playing at the park for over an hour.

and a bunch of other things as well...

strike is over

2006-03-22T21:38:00.000-05:00

my blogging strike is over. what, you didn't hear about it. that's because i was on a blogging strike.

i have been on strike since kim and i were in panama. i decided that i was not going to blog again until kim decided on either benjamin robert or noah benjamin for our baby's name.

she decided on noah benjamin. finally. the little guy is going to be here in roughly 11 weeks and to this point has been nameless.

11 weeks. that seems so soon. and if kim is early like she was with ryan that could be 9 weeks.

we are nowhere close to being ready. at least i dont feel like i am. i am tugged in so many ways right now at work that i dont answer my phone any longer and only respond to voice mails that are left. and that still leaves counter traffic, coworkers, and the designs. that then leaves little time for me with the family. i leave work between 5:30 and 6:00 so i have 2 hours at best with ryan and 3 hours at best with kim. if i try to work after they are in bed to get caught up i get burnt out after a few weeks because i dont relax and also usually stay up too late so that it makes it difficult to get up in the morning and be to work on time. maybe i am wrong, but i definetly think my issues start with time management.

so, when noah comes i am worried that things will be worse. but maybe they will be better.

reward of a busy week

2006-02-11T13:54:00.000-05:00

i really love our baxi boiler. and it is not just because it modulates the gas burner to what is actually needed to heat a house (or hot water) and prevents us americans from wasting more than we already do (yes it does save people money as well). today the reason that i love our baxi boiler (ours meaning the one i sell at work) is because they are sending kim and i to an all inclusive resort in panama. it you look really at the map to the right the city that we are going to be closest to is penenome. we are leaving tonight and staying in gr so we can catch our early flight to toronto where we will meet up with the rest of the group even earlier on monday morning. if you want to look at the resort just follow this link: http://www.decameron.com/Destinations/Panama/rdecameron_panama.html

i should come back with a bit of a tan or a lot of sunburn.

busy week

2006-02-06T15:00:00.000-05:00

this week has been a full week. lots of work, a day and a half off, a birthday party, and my first live pistons game.

i still have a lot of work to do before we leave for panama on the 12th, but the price of doing a little extra this coming week.

but the pistons game was awesome. 7 of my friends went with some tickets that i won back in december. 4 plus me left around noon. we took our time getting there and stopped at the mall just north of the palace (it is called great lakes crossings) we spent a good portion of our time at gameworks where a worker named brandon hooked us up with about 5 free races.

we met up with the 0ther 3 guys and went to the game. when the steelers showed up the pistons decided to show them how champions played and dominated the the t-wolves for the rest of the game. they were so far ahead we started calling for darko (the human victory cigar) the crowd finally erupted when he got in with 4 minutes left.

then there was more work, and i took friday off. ryan and kim were a little sick (at least i thought ryan was, but kim says different) so i stayed home with them

all in all a very busy week

a full week

2006-02-04T21:08:00.001-05:00

a full week

2006-02-04T21:08:00.000-05:00

hold the presses, stop the vote

2006-01-28T00:51:00.000-05:00

not because kim wants me to stop the vote, but because i have come up with a better way to do it. the voting is still going to be a head to head competition, but you can vote all at once. i will run the voting for round 1 from today through next friday.

just follow this link:

http://peoples27.proboards55.com/index.cgi?board=vote

face off #2

2006-01-26T09:02:00.000-05:00

austin wins face off #1 vs aaron

from today through saturday we are taking votes on

brady v cameron

face off #1

2006-01-23T07:10:00.000-05:00

face off #1

aaron vs austin

vote by leaving a comment.

voting will go from monday through wednesday

i am working on a better way to have the voting.

name competition

2006-01-20T14:35:00.000-05:00

kim and i are having a hard time deciding what our new little boy should be called. this is partly because my family is doomed to have boys, meaning that some of the names we like and agree on are gone, and partly because we have different ideas of what we want our 2nd boy to be named. so, here are the names that have made the list right now (see below) for the next several weeks we will be having an unoffical baby name competition. (unofficial means that kim doesn't really want me to do this...) the competition will start on january 23 and each set of names will battle for 3 days. the winner goes on and the loser...well that won't be my son.

so, here are the contestants:

aaron

austin

benjamin*

brady

cameron

carson

carter

chad

christian

ethan

evan

nicholas

noah*

seth

*will receive a first round bye

New Baby

2006-01-18T13:37:00.000-05:00

life has been busy as of late. working. losing weight. kim being pregnat. fantasy sports. being with family...

but today we had our ultrasound. we were able to do some 3-d pics. this is one of them.

and in case you are wondering, it is a boy.

27 minutes to go

2005-12-31T23:33:00.000-05:00

and then it is happy new year!

any resolutions anybody?

hooray

2005-11-22T20:40:00.000-05:00

i love baseball, so this time of the year is full of anticipation while i see what happens in the mlb. but that is not why i checking in.

i just wanted to let you all know i lost another 2.5lbs.

that brings the grand total of loss to 7.5

and me down to 248.5

still quite a bit to go on my quest for 200.

just kinda chillin

2005-11-19T21:56:00.000-05:00

i am taking a break from my heavy workload. only a break because i do not get to escape my work any longer. when i was hourly i would be able to seperate my days in my mind. i would work 50 hours each week and be done since my boss would not let me work more than that. but things have changed. i no longer receive an check based upon the hours that i work and so i am having a harder time seperating my work load from my personal time.

part of the reason for this is because it is the time of the year for the heating industry to be busy. we have an almost constant rush from mid september through the new year. but that is not the only reason. up until a few weeks ago, there was a fella named john that was based out of my muskegon branch, who was the guy that customers viewed as an authority on the design and workings of heating system, specifically those of the hydronic, hot water, style. john is no longer based in my muskegon branch. he still works for us but now floats around all of our branches.

this only matters because i am the guy that people come to when john is not available. i am not viewed as an authority, i am still too wet behind the ears for that, but, because i work for the wholesaler, i am considered an expert. well, to some people. others considered me to just be a pert. i forget what that means, but it was funny when a contractor told me.

so, to wrap this all up, john is gone, i am as busy as all get out and feel like i am just spinning my wheels on most days, and so my mind is telling me that even though i "off the clock" that all that work still belongs to me and that i need to do it.

that is why i am just kinda chillin. i am trying to relax, but if i minimize this screen i will have a little post it note on my desktop telling me i have six jobs that i need to work on still this weekend. i guess i better get back at it.

good news and bad news

2005-11-15T21:33:00.000-05:00

Daniel Rudd said...
ok Rob, I have good news and bad news:1: Bad News: I'm not sure how definitively a place on the quiz bowl team makes someone a "powerful somebody".

this really wasn't bad news daniel. i was not even a powerful somebody, i just perceived myself to be because i had the title of captain. this is normally something that is reserved for seniors who are on their way out, but i was bestowed the honor of being the quiz bowl captain as a junior. you can go ahead and laugh. it kind of makes me a nerd. but i always knew that i wasn't "cool"

ryan has begun a new stage in his life. he is more consistently pushing his boundaries to see what he can get away with and what he cannot. sometimes he is so funny while he pushes these boundaries and sometimes he makes you sad to have to enforce them. i am just glad that he listened while we were at amiee's house trying to figure out a way to fix her heating system. i was putting the thermostat back on the wall and out he comes with a piece of trim with a couple nails sticking out. the nails were facing him. and he was running. i am glad that when i told him that was a no no and took it away that he listened and did not fall on a nail and have it poke his eye or something like that. i don't ever like to see him hurting.

i only lost 1/2 a pound this week. but for the 2 weeks that makes me down 5 all together. my joints feel better already.

week 1

2005-11-07T12:41:00.000-05:00

i am pretty happy with week 1 of my diet. i did not snack despite the temptation of the corbin's bowl of goodies during halloween (unless you count those 4 pieces of gum that i chewed for a collective 23 seconds before swallowing) and the lure of a world's smallest sundae (almost) from russ'.

we go to russ' frequently now. not because they have anything that is overwhelmingly tasty or healthy for us. but because ryan makes noise when he eats. he is a good kid but vocal. and he likes to throw his food sometimes. and he tells us no even when he means yes. he like the power of the word.

i like power too, but nobody listens to me. i have always liked power. i think that is why i hung out with freshman and was on the quiz bowl team. because there, i was something, no somebody. somebody with power.

so we were at russ' and kim and missy got a world's smallest sundae (almost) and it looked so good. missy had a caramel and kim had chocolate. ryan had one too. he needed to eat something for dinner. that chocolate looked so good as it dripped from the spoon.

so i said no to all the temptation and it paid off. my weigh in this morning was a great surprise. i thought i had lost a pound or maybe two. but no, i lost more. i lost more than even kim did recently, between here morning sickness and the respitory infection that she currently has she lost 3 pounds. and i lost more. my starting weight was 256 and my week 1 weigh in was 251.5. i am very happy with the loss.

weighing in...

2005-11-04T12:56:00.000-05:00

every once in a while i decide that i am fat. and this is ok that i think this because i am . i weighed myself the other day and i weighed in at 256.5 lbs. that it is a little heavy for my 5'11" frame if you ask me. it is really heavy if you ask my doctor.

so i decided that on this past monday i was going to go on a diet. the abs power diet. i went on this last year and did quite well until i decided that i would eat like crazy and drink lots of soda. so i regained all that wait plus some to bring me to my 256.5 weight.

why am i telling you all this? i am not sure, but at least it is not a month from the last time that i wrote. really though, i am writing because i know that i will need help to keep on task. here are some ways that you can help me.

don't feed me cookies no matter how much i beg
don't give me a soda no matter how much i beg
celebrate with me during my cheat meal each week on saturday, where i can eat anything i want, even cookies and soda.

checking in

2005-11-01T23:18:00.000-05:00

daniel has me dead...

keith thinks i am two weeks late for my monthly blog entry...

and kim is threating to take my link off her blog...

ok - so the third one is not true, i think.

anyways, you may have noticed some a new look (or maybe you forgot what this blog looked like) and that it because i am recommitting myself to making this blog something.

so thanks for hanging in there with me. i'll see you soon.

guys night out

2005-09-22T12:45:00.000-04:00

ryan and i had the night to ourselves last night. it was pretty fun because we did somethings that his mom doesn't like to do.

once we got home from work/day care, ryan was saying that he had a really stressful day at work and wanted to play. so, play we did.

i gave ryan some water and we went upstairs to change. ryan went to our eliptical trainer as he usually does and got the idea to set the water on the foot pedal. since the pedal is at an angle of about 60% it slid down the pedal. ryan loved it. each time he watched in wonder and laughed as it slide down. i watched him do this for about 5 minutes.

he then got the idea that it would be fun to spill the water into the foot pedal. so, spill he did. once the water was there it had to get out somehow so ryan decided it would be a good idea to take his left hand and hit the water that had pooled up at the bottom of the incline. splash, splash, splash. one the water was all unpooled he poured more water in. again, another good 5 minutes worth of fun.

ryan and i then went on a safari walk. i know that we do not have any jungles here in muskegon, but ryan doesn't know that, so it was a safari walk. we walked to the park and went down some stairs that daniel told us about a week ago. it looked like they led all the way to bear lake but we only went down as far as the stairs went. (i am scared of snakes and it looks like there could have been some snakes on the rest of the path, and i didn't want ryan to think his dad gets scared.) the great part about this walk was that ryan was taking it all in for what seemed like the first time. as far as i know, ryan has never been surrounded on all sides by trees like we were last night. his reaction is something i will remember for a while. he was just looking around and saying, tree, tree, tree, wowwww. he looked up and to the left and then the right and pointed here and there. wowwww.

the walk went on, but i will tell you about that later.

your 18 month old's language and cognitive development

2005-09-14T23:33:00.000-04:00

instead of copy this article completly over i provided a link for everybody to check out how ryan is changing. ( it is the title )i have heard it say that in the first year babies grow physically and in the second year they grow mentally, or cognitively (it is my blog, i can make words up). here is a brief breakdown, by paragraph, of where ryan is at.

1 - ryan knows way more than 12 words well. because of all our friends and family, i would say he knows 12 names of people alone and more than 100 words. although, he does think that any dessert is ice cream. (i will let him think that for a little while still because ice cream is my 2nd favorite dessert - bannana cream pie is #1). also, ryan links a lot of words together, althought he is having a bit of trouble saying touchdown michigan state. (i am hoping he will get better this weekend when the spartans clean house on the irish.)

2 - yup, lots of babbling - but ryan likes to sing. we were singing twinkle, twinkle little star the other day (kim even heard it. it was very clear) he repeats many things that we say, as well as acts them out.

3 - i haven't noticed a tone of voice all that much. the times that i have is when he is on his way to bed and does not have his dog (thanks again to and and ryan for letting us steal that dog from you). he will get louder and cry goggie, goggie. (ryan barks when he sees dogs on our walks - arf, arf - and says harrington when he sees a golden retreiver)

4 - yeah, not so much. he knows his name when we refer to him, but he really doesn't refer to himself

5 - ok - i will do that

6 - this should be fun - just as long as they are not those kids cd's we have at church in the 3-5 year old's room

7 - recognizes things yes - looks at books no. he is just to active. he recognizes football on the tv.

8 - things that aren't present. well, that would be me. a few weeks ago kim picked me up from work for us to go to my grandma's house and as they pulled into the parking lot ryan noticed the building and said daddy. isn't he smart? he does the shoe thing, and he even did one better. he went to the fridge, (i had it opened for something - i dont remember for what) and knew that in a certain box there was food that he liked. he reached into the box and pulled out a piece of pizza. it was really cute. i got some pictures.

also - thanks for all the comments. i promise i will try to blog more than once a month, but just to give you an idea of my life it is usually something like this

sunday - church, watch football and ryan
monday - work from 8am to 10 or 11pm
tuesday - work from 8am to 6pm, be with kim and ryan
wednesday - work from 6am to 6pm, usually have a meeting at night for something
thursday - work from 8am to 8pm, be with kim
friday - work from 8 am to 5pm, go to family gathering at grandma's
saturday - lounge around, watch ryan because kim is going crazy, hangout with friends at night.

this week has been like that so far. i worked until 11p monday, 6 tuesday, and from 6a to 10p tonight. so, i have been busy. (yes i did take most of sunday for football.)

back by popular demand

2005-09-10T20:57:00.000-04:00

ok, ok, enough of the badgering. just when you thought it were dead, the life of peoples is back. ok, so it was actually dead, but angela said i couldn't shut it down, so i didn't.

but here i am. back to blogging.

actually, back to work, i am on call and just got page to go in.

work time

2005-08-06T23:38:00.000-04:00

i just realized that the only time that i have ever talked about work here is to say that i am busy and that i am working too much. well, part of the reason that i allow my self to work as i do is because my job is pretty enjoyable...on most days.

i work in the sales department at johnstone supply here in muskegon. we are a heating and cooling wholesaler that partners with thousands of heating and cooling guys in the west michigan area.

my job is a bit different that the other guys on our sales strip because i get to design stuff. well, not so much designing as laying out. let me put it this way. a contractor brings me a blueprint and i run it through a program to find the correct size furnace, boiler, or air conditioning it needs to have. if they want me to, i also layout the radiant system or the duct system. it is a never ending job and i can get behind really quickly, but each print brings a different challenge.

my favorite part of the job is making the sale. i never get to see the product put in or the finished system, but i like making the sale because it shows my job has worth to the company. somedays i think that i would be better for the company if i answered phones and took orders like the other guys, but those are only the bad days.

i have several customers that are my favorites, but i will tell you about them later...i have to get back to work...ok, to bed.

if time didn't fly...

2005-07-28T22:51:00.000-04:00

in my down time i often wonder what life would be like if it didn't fly faster than the speed of light. there would be so much that i would get done. there would be so many people i would call and invest my life resources into. i would read. i would have conversations. real meaningful conversations. i would listen to people. i would take naps when i got tired. i would educate myself in the fine art of selling. i would exercise (and lose weight)

now i am wondering what is stopping me. why can't i prioritize these things. whey can't i open myself to people and invest in them.

i will see you later, i am going to get some answers.

in awe of granpa

2005-07-21T00:35:00.000-04:00

these are just a few of the pictures that i will post in the next few days. each one shows a sliver of the awe and love that ryan has for his granpda miles

coincidence...or god's perfect timing

2005-07-20T23:18:00.000-04:00

forgive me friends, for i have sinned, it has been 18 days since my last blog entry

vacation was wonderful, we just relaxed and loafed around at our house and at kim's parent's house on a little lake in fremont. live has been busy since then. last week when i got back i knew that i was going to have to play some catch up but i never imagined the pile up that i had. after working many hours i was at a reasonable level going into the weekend.

but then disaster hit.

kim's grandpa who has long been fighting with heart problems and blood circulation and chronic back pain and diabetes and, only recently, liver cancer. he fought a long time and finished the fight as peacfully as he knew how.

after kim found out it started to thunder with bits of lightning. then the rain came. and then kim's call.

"do you think that it is coincidence that we are having a storm after my grandpa died because i remember one time when it was storming and my grandpa asked me if i knew why there is thunder." she was choking back the tears at this point. "i told him and he said how smart i was and then took me for a chili dog because i was so smart."

looking back now my answer was one of the stupidest things i have ever said in my entire life.

"yeah, it is probably just coincidence hun"

i just didn't really think before i answered her and soon after that i realized i was wrong. i was not wrong because i didn't answer her and deny any coincidence whatsoever and as a result attempt to comfort her.

i was wrong because i forgot how much god loves my wife. i was thinking, yeah, it is probably just a coincidence because these storms have been in creation for several days as the weather front brought them across the states. i was wrong because i forgot that god controls the weather. when he says storm, it storms. he knew what he was doing. he called jack miles home. he allowed a caring parent to call my wife. and he had a storm front in the works days before any of that for the exact moment that he wanted to calm the spirit of the apple of his eye by reminding her of her grandpa's love.

i am sorry kim, it was not a coincidence at all. the storm was god's perfect timing, and i am sorry i did not realize it.

has it really been that long?

2005-07-02T23:50:00.000-04:00

i have been on vacation the past couple days and am for the upcoming week as well. 12 days of no work for the price of 6 as our bean counter said - but the overtime that lead up to taking the vacation off just to be caught up was horrible. i know there are people that work more hours than i do - and that i am blessed to have a job - but there is only so many hours that i can stare at a blue print within a weeks time. at any rate - it does not seem like it has been a week since i last posted but it really has been. and to be honest i do not have much to talk about. the week has kind of been a blur. so i will leave you with this one thing - a gift - a picture of ryan -

this picture was taken at ryan's first birthday party as he was starting to eat his first birthday cake - four months ago now - his bites were dainty at first but i would say he at about 1/3 of the cake - with another 1/3 ending up in his lap.

imagine....a toad

2005-06-25T22:48:00.000-04:00

imagine with me if you would being a toad. not an itsy bitsy one. but not one the size of your hand either. imagine with me being a toad the size of...well, a small frog. now imagine being this toad that is the size of a small frog aimlessly wondering around outside in some person's backyard. maybe you hop past some leaves that have fallen. and then you hop to the tree and looks up at it. maybe you starts thinking to yourself that if your legs were stong enough you would hop right up the tree and live there forever. maybe you would then daydream about all the spiders and ants and mosquitoes that you would eat and then wham a 16 month old boy falls right by you. the boy notices you and reaches for you. you start to frantically hop away but it is no use. this blonde 16 month old is back on his feet and chasing you. you think that maybe you can out smart this boy by hoping around the tree and then he won't see you anymore...but you have no luck...he is a peoples boy afterall.

then the next thing that you know is that you are a toad the size of a small frog hanging upside down from this peoples' boy left hand.

if you can imagine all that then you have a good idea of what the first toad that ryan ever caught must have felt like. i did not know whether to applaud him for his effort or tell him to put the toad down before it peed on him. so i did both. yeah ryan, good job getting the toad but lets put it down so we can catch it later ok. well, maybe i got kim's attention first so that she could see how big our son is getting, and then told him to put it down. but he did, and then we played in the sprinkler.

i am pretty sure that when grandpa jack gets wind of ryan tracking down this toad and catching it with his bare left hand that he will try to have him out at deer camp this fall to teach him some other fine hunting techniques.

photo shoot

2005-06-20T01:38:00.000-04:00

hehe, this fishies are tickling me

i found my rock bed, daddy come look

i didn't just eat that rock...i promise

should i tell them i went pee again?

what is grandpa doing with that?

where did i leave that rock?

but mom...i don't want to go home yet

the joy of water

2005-06-19T23:10:00.000-04:00

can you hear ryan screaming, "water, get your ice cold water here!" he is going to be a terrific sales person someday. or a great football fan (for the spartans and raiders if you are wondering) or a really great band nerd (he already plays a keyboard better than i do). the point is i know that when i look at him i just want his life to be full of love and joy and faith and hope and grace. no matter what other plans and hopes and dreams come true or not those are the things that i hope for above all else. it would be great to see him score the goal that pushes his fellow norsemen to the state soccer title, all in his freshman year, but even that would fade away. and it would certainly pale in comparison to ryan spending the last of his allowance to buy a dinner for a man who has not eaten in four days. i will be proud of ryan for whatever. (i already am, he said sunny days today, just like his elmo doll)

while skipping church this morning i remembered earlier today a song that i sang when i was six.

i am a promise, i am a possibility, i am a promise, with a capital p. i am a great big bundle of potentiality. and i am learning to hear god's voice and i am trying to make the right choice. and i'm a promise - to be anything god wants me to be.

today - ryan is my reminder that i am a great big bundle of potential. not just as a father, not just as a salesperson, not even as a pistons bandwagon rider, but as a promise. i hope that my 15 month old prophey can remind you of that as well.

(for pictures of ryan try looking here)

often intimidated but never duplicated

2005-06-17T00:34:00.000-04:00

the two most important peoples in the world

2005-06-16T00:06:00.000-04:00

allow me to make you familiar with the two most important people in my life. the little boy that is playing with the suv is my wonderful son ryan. his latest trick is to say "how now brown cow" seriously! he is only 15 1/2 months old. i am pretty certain that tonight when i laid him down to bed that he repeated love you when i told him that i love you.

the beauty next to ryan in the love of my life, kim. really, don't you think she is hot? we met at church in 94 started dating in 95 and were married in 2000

if you look in the background you will see a bright shining pair of legs - those are mine. you see the ones right under the belly with a blue shirt covering it?

on a side note, i have thought about suggesting that we enter ryan into baby contests because i am sure that he would win hands down.

the first of many yet to come

2005-06-15T22:04:00.000-04:00

your days of waiting for my blog are finally over. today, june 15th of 2005 i am starting to take over the world, and will use this blog to influence you to think the way that i do. ok, really now, the reason that i am starting this blog is because i want to keep my friends and family invloved in the inner workings of my life. i find that as each week goes that it seems i have less time to talk with each of you. so, here is to blogs and the relationship they represent!